See You Forever #55

The decisions we make, through our words or actions, remain within us and outside of us forever as yesterday will always be. We have the ability to lift up and or destroy others as well as ourselves; for every action there is a reaction that occurs. We regard those deeds that are conveyed through the effect(s) that they have on us while seemingly being unaware that we achieve the same in others in some manner. Throughout these years I have had many reactions that were expressed in anger on the outside after having been felt as fear and frustration on the inside. I wish I could say that I have always handled life well but then I would not be here. Just because I have appeared to “have it all”, meaning only heaven, does not mean that it transferred into reality for me. Failing to cope well is something that loves everyone equally regardless of money, addiction, education, position, religion, lack of or BLAH. It has seemed as if the more I felt pain, the more I reacted in manners that were not of benefit to myself or to others; not unlike an addict. I would love to go back in time and reverse what I am personally responsible for but what has been done cannot be undone no matter how much I wish it to be. How our feelings, coping and pain are expressed, depends upon the person who is living with them on the inside. The green truth is found in the appearance of people, places and things while the real truth is found in the details of them. The mirror knows all of those aspects about each and every one of us as well as those little boxes of feelings that we hide. I have been angry and hurt, due to a multitude of behaviors by others while feeling that mine were reasonable. Justification of responses helps us to feel heard as well as minimizes the behaviors and or feelings of others. ‘When you do this, I feel this” touches on the surface of those feelings but leaves the particulars of everyone’s actions and the accountability for them hidden away. I know that there have been many times in the past that my children have tried to explain to me how my choices effected them on the inside. I can say that I did not hear them because I was too busy justifying my actions. That line then could have the capacity to reach deep inside if it included the words “I chose my action/reaction because I never learned to hear myself”. How hard is it to hear that your words and actions have an effect on others; especially in the ways that they experience it on the inside and then reveal it on the outside? How aware are you of the ones that you feel in the interior and convey on the exterior? Is it difficult for others to perceive the results you feel from their actions? I have realized that its impossible to hear others if I am unable to hear myself. By hiding or denying some of my parts, it was not feasible for me to be whole nor for me to teach my children to be whole. Through my inability to do those very important things, I have been a part of the conditional love of my children and of myself that was a segment in the illusions of perfection. The wellbeing of my relationship with my children is based not on some of their parts or some of mine. It is the result of the celebration of the heaven and the hell in every one of us. I wish that I had understood that so much earlier in my life but unfortunately it was not in my handbook about myself nor my parenting one. Yesterday will always be a part of me because it carries the mistakes and the pain. It is also where I felt incredible fear, the strongest courage and the ability to breathe in brave. I know that my intent was to do this right but I lacked the details of what is required in life; which is not to pretend to be in heaven. Hell will always be because things will go wrong or others will effect us or we will make mistakes or BLAH. The other day Ashlee and I were laughing because it had been a day full of chaos because of the choices of others. She said, “We’ve got this mom because we are good even in hell”. She of course is right. We do not require growth of any sort in heaven but we do in hell. We do not need to hold the hand of courage as well as fear’s when things go as planned. I learned all of this when I started to listen to myself and then my children. Through the bravery of Ashlee, Ryan and Taylor, I have discovered who I am and what I am capable of. Their unconditional love helped me to discover that it is not about getting out of hell but to instead embrace it knowing I am better because of it. Rather than behaving today as I did yesterday, I continue to discover how my mistakes and my pain are coming together to make me a better person for tomorrow. I am the perfect person to love, hate, accept and or change all of my parts but never to deny them. I am a circle of heavell that will always be. See you forever hell because through you I have found the real heaven and not just the illusion of it.