Recollect Yourself #185

The way we use value to determine whether people, places, things, behaviors or even words are acceptable is often based from a limited view rather than our being aware of all the details, or even the lack there of, that are a part of something or someone. Demeanor, motion, outcomes and appearances can imply the presence of only forward steps or the opposite depending upon what we think we see and yet shifting, missteps, a missing course of action as well as dreaded falls can be found in some form in everything in a different truth. Let’s take the simple statement of “don’t do drugs” and it’s directness that holds the hope of stopping a very complicated and difficult issue before it can begin through the awareness of how substances can effect some individuals. That expression was uttered so many times in our home, on the inside, as my children were growing up and even as they went through their school drug prevention programs, on the outside. Personally I do not know any parents, including those whose child is a substance user, who did not have the same expectations as me that the words “don’t do drugs” would result in the desired and acceptable outcome for our children. Years later when it became apparent that those straight words had not vetoed the use of substances by Ryan, that expression evolved rapidly into the next blunt and obvious set of terms known as “STOP doing drugs” Both of those phrases are actually something that I regret having ever said. Say what? Those easy words of “don’t start” and “just stop” have the appearance of a straightforwardness that we can all understand and follow through with and yet they are a green truth because simple words are not enough when we are facing life altering things and or moments. It’s like repeatedly saying “calm down” to someone who is acting out of control even though no one has ever relaxed because of that statement and it often actually makes the situation worse by down playing, that devaluing of, that person’s feelings. Why do we leave out the particulars that can help us go through? It is not our ability to understand what each phrase means or the potential of how substances can effect us but rather a complicated collection of things that cycle within the place that needs us most that has the actual power to cause those falls and the ability to lift us up as well. We are all able to perceive of the fact and the opinion that no one ever aspired to become an addict nor feels that he or she will until it happens but by implying that one needs to only think to not begin or to end it continues to feed the very hell we appear to want to “STOP” In other words, it doesn’t have to be perfect but it does have to be the all of us and that includes, most importantly, what we experience as individuals in this so very heavell life otherwise we have a missing course of action that is and will continue to be detrimental to finding and holding onto prevention and change. So why do I have guilt and grief over using the expressions “DON’T start” and “STOP” even though both were what my mind kept saying over and over? Does something about that part of my story seem familiar to you either because you did it too or you listened to it just like Ryan? The real truth is that those effortless phrases hold exactly what defines them, no mental effort, despite our being on a very messy trail that requires continual adaptations to navigate it especially if addicted. They also imply substance users are impossible, regardless of our intentions. Can we truly be surprised, then, at that being an “f” moment and not one of the good ones? It was certainly an eye-opener for me as well as for many of the parents of addicts that I have met over the years. Give me a moment to recollect myself. Oh hell, give yourself a moment to recollect yourself as well. This is life so let’s lean in to hear what’s there rather than just staying within that limited view that actually holds missteps for us. After all, we also have always had the choice to not repeat today what was done yesterday just as we have expected of addicts. Both Ryan and I needed our matter of time to perceive of and then understand that. My regret lies in my having thought that he was the only one who needed to change and that my actions were effortless even when my motion implied otherwise. Be loud and be kind but most of all have the best day possible for you as you recollect yourself because it is always good to be home where there is great value in being who you are. Love Always, Heavell.