Promises are made that give rise to expectations that can at times never truly see the light of day. Whether the collapse of those failed assurances is because they were actually lies or whether they were filled with the possibilities that just couldn’t be, the results is the same in the hearts of those who wait for their fruition. The non-fulfillment of each of those commitments can bring the loss of hope until the next time when a new vow is made. With the discovery of each crushing blow, devastation that reaches to the core can make it impossible to breathe and anger can consume those who are faced with the disbelief of the real truth. They lead to the thought process that addicts will say and do anything in order to achieve whatever is necessary to obtain and then consume the object of their desires. Tricks are not just for substances but are for people, places and things. Our hope fuels every action taken that tomorrow will not be the same as today because we need it nay want it so very much; not unlike an addict wanting a substance. Ashlee told me recently that she can handle the loss of hope that occurs in the relapses of addiction as long as it’s not a surprise. If we know that relapses are a part of addiction, then the revelation of that deterioration is an expectation we just hope will never become the reality. The depletion of our yearnings has the ability to affect everyone on the circle of heavell as one part fails, a domino effect can occur for the remaining ones. The cycle of both dreaming of dreams and feeling fear because of those dreams becomes a trauma in that it lifts up and then stomps out our breath. Hope can seem foolish when reality speaks the truth the loudest but it is also where we find the beauty by breathing in brave. Whether an addict or not, hope is where we take the hand of courage as well that of fear and step forward in hell. Every glimpse of my poster child brought the reminder of what was, not as a prompting of all that had been lost but of that which must be found. How is it possible to survive the cycle of the promise of hope and the reality of devastation? Is hope, in part, the beautiful form of denial? There is only so much that a heart can take before hope is pushed down so deep inside that it is possible that it may never see the light of day again. Time then becomes another false promise in the face of relapse because it cannot ensure sobriety nor can it guarantee healing from the traumas.
Spending time with the children of addicts has brought an understanding of the highest level of devastation that results from the need and the love of substances, people, places, things or BLAH that wasn’t as clear for me prior to that. I was obviously aware of some of the affects because of my ex-husband but since his visits were sporadic, it had not carried the weight for me that it had actually deserved. I have a greater appreciation for the resilience of children as they breathe in hope with the magnitude of all that is possible; fed by their ability to love and to forgive despite devastation. With all the chaos that ensued from Ryan’s addiction, I had never noticed how much distress Ashlee had been in. In fact I had needed her to be my partner in trying to save Ryan rather than a person who was surviving being a wreckage herself. Today when she speaks of her father or her brother, her voice is as soft as it was when she was young and as fierce as the warrior that she has become through her time in hell. She is able to hold hope in her hand after having lost it when it was used to fill in the gaping wounds in her soul. When hopes have been dashed so many times over the course of a life, it can be hard not to feel foolish for even believing that tomorrow could ever be better than it has been today. I think of that young woman I met in Denver whose entire family are addicts and yet she is not. She is one of the beacons of hope that every angel does not fall just because of the traumas in their life or because of the normalcy of them. Her voice carried the acceptance of what has been done can never be undone with the easiness that is felt when determination keeps hope alive. Both Ashlee and this young woman convey the wreckage of addiction that has occurred in their lives through failure and conviction. Neither has held every moment perfectly but each has stood despite the challenges. They are each the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of their personal circle of heavell in order to be whole. Yesterday will always be and if they were to deny any of those parts, hope might not ever see the light of day which in itself would be a tragedy.
I can remember desperately trying to maintain hope despite the realities of Ryan as well as the influence of the non-believers. Without holding on to it, I would have given up a long time ago on him. It is easy to maintain faith when things are going as we wish but it is in hell where we learn to cope well by breathing in brave. I have felt such pain during all of this that it was impossible for me to stand; let alone even step forward in hell. Through all of this, my children have maintained hope in my abilities to stand and face the hell with the determination that yesterday will not be repeated today. I am and have been the “f” word. While we cannot give addicts their will to do this differently, we do carry the beacon in our hands that can and does lead the way. We are powerful enough to effect everyone on the circle of heavell by lifting up or destroying them as well as ourselves. It is possible to carry hope in our hearts while knowing what the real truth is; especially as it pertains to addiction. I no longer dream of Ryan or his father getting out of hell. My wish is that each of them are able to find beauty there so that each may be able to remain standing. They need to know how they feel about anything and everything because it is their emotional definitions that will help them to cope.The hard part in life is to love others knowing that they may fail to love themselves and in turn be unable to love us in the manner that we yearn for. Every dream matters whether they are here or not. Please stand by because hope makes heaven a possibility in hell.
To my Ashlee: Thank you for all that you are and all that you have been. You are my unsung hero. When you breathe, I breathe. I love you doll.
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