Did you know he was using drugs? That question has been asked so many times of me that it should no longer surprise me but it still does. It frequently leaves me speechless because the question is so simple and yet the answer is as vast as the world is. I did not know the first time or even the twentieth time but there was a point where I was fully awake to the knowledge that Ryan was using drugs; that phone call from a police officer a year earlier. How does a parent explain the fall into hell to people who do not have first hand knowledge of a dream becoming an addict? How does a parent impart the understanding of all the pain, confusion, fear, anger and desperation that comes from living it; not reading or hearing or judging but living it? Perhaps if the non-believers actually understood, they would ask a different question. One that would lead to the accountability that everyone understood their role on the circle of heavell. A query that would actually lead to preventing and solving addiction. The green truth is that merely telling kids to not do drugs will prevent them from doing so. Or that telling them to stop once it has been discovered, will end it. Every day we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who have our own emotional definitions created from our own life experiences that lift up or destroy ourselves and others. A single tree can bring down a forest by exposing the weaknesses of the whole group. It is not our ability to love but our ability to face adversity together that determines the success or failure of all of us as individuals, families and groups. His doing drugs speaks volumes that cannot be answered in a simple manner. It is not a yes or no response. I had failed to realize he was not coping well before he turned to drugs and also after he began using them. Perhaps my answer to that question should be that drugs were the outlet for a poster child that was merely existing while failing to cope with his emotional pain. Does anyone really want to know that answer though?
Adversity is a part of our daily lives. At times it is simple and at times it can bring us to our knees. Most often it roles in volumes rather than in a single moment. Once addiction had become a part of our lives, each of us began to suffer from the traumas. Those disturbing experiences led to us wanting, nay demanding, that our needs be met. We were all afraid and angry. As single trees in our forest it was essential to find relief from the emotional strain that each of us felt. That adversity coupled with our individual emotional definitions divided us. We all wanted to be heard and helped. Ryan of course was at fault for bringing those traumas to our lives. He, however, was not responsible for the resulting exposure that we were all weak. We were incapable of facing adversity together; of not coping well just as he had not. It is so easy to blame the addict but the real truth is that we had already failed long before the angel had fallen. That fail was the result of our sins no matter how minute or quantitative. If we had all been doing the right job on the circle of heavell, one tree would never have tainted himself nor exposed the weaknesses of the forest. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do; sometimes in secret. People who cope well may falter when facing adversity but they do not fall. Do as I say not as I do, needing to be right, behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is why we are here; why we will stay here as more dreams enter the valley of the fallen angels.
The pressure of this fell solely on me. For Ryan’s siblings, my husband, my ex, his wife, the doctors, the police, the BLAH, I was next in line for being responsible for all of it. I wish I could say that the inability to deal was the reason why so many people felt the need to blame only an individual or a single tree rather than the forest. It is true that for some the task is daunting but the reality is that the avoidance of accountability is the driving force for most. I have even stood in that position by blaming my ex-husband for his role as an addict. Surely he was at fault for this because I don’t do drugs nor do I even ever really have a drink. I have even felt that those who are tasked with keeping drugs off the streets were at fault for not preventing Ryan’s access to them. Or how about the first person who gave Ryan a pill in order to ease his pain; surely it’s his fault. Maybe Ryan was a flawed individual. Its all his fault because he did not do as I said. How dare he fail to cope well when we all did! I have faced every position on the circle of heavell and blamed each position until the mirror grew so big that no matter where I turned my reflection filled my view. It is then that I realized that the snake does not just speak to addicts; encouraging them to bite the apples. He speaks to all of us as we bite the apple of it is your fault not mine. The green truth is that a single person or moment caused all of this. Every single person who has stood on the circle of heavell in an addicts life has played a role in a moment or a quantity of moments; including the non-believers. Judgement/blame is the friend of a lack of accountability and the snake loves it when we choose it. We can’t ask addicts to change when we don’t want to admit that we must also change; do as I say not as I do. Little boxes of feelings are important to every single one of the trees and should matter to the whole forest.
How long was I going to keep Ryan alive on that ventilator? I know in my heart that if he could have spoken that he would have told me to turn it off. Laying in a bed was not living. He had been existing in a physical form but without the emotional definitions that made him who he was. Drugs had tricked us by putting death in that bed. How or what was I supposed to do because the world was still moving for everyone else even though he and I had been frozen in time? Would the loss of my poster child even be noticed? It is often easier to let go when adversity shakes us to the core or when we need to be right.
Tell me about your little boxes of feelings. I am a dream. So are you. Angels are lead to where they fall. Tricks are not just for drugs. The snake wants everyone to bite the apple called “lack of accountability”. Because its your fault not mine. Adversity exposes the truth. The forest is weak. The circle of heavell can destroy or lift up. I am the same and so is the addict. When you breathe, I breathe. Welcome to the valley of the fallen angels. I will be your guide in hell. The mirror sees you.
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