Pass This Way Again #203

The light, which is a part of the creation of things such as flowers, also has the ability to fade or to weather all sorts of items whereas darkness isn’t just the absence of light but also holds the particularly effective feature of illuminating what we need to take a look at again and again. It’s all of the details, rather than just one or two descriptions, that help us to look both ways especially when we are trying to solve something. We can, for instance, feel that someone is beautiful while at the same time that individual can believe that our opinion is not the correct view of his or her self. We can recognize the fabulous parts of a person while his or her perception is only of the failures or the things that make him or her impossible. We can also believe that a person is solely a reflection of his or her “f” moments and that individual may accept that opinion as a fact as well or in a different truth that someone may desperately want to be seen for being so much more but the outside isn’t able to value anything other than weeds. Because the possibilities of definitions can go in so many directions, understanding and believing in our encounters is an important part of being able to go through this so very heavell life. “Flipping out” is also one of the phrases that changes direction depending upon the who and the why. It is the very loud voice of pain expressing itself through extreme anger or even fear in undesirable ways. We decide the worth of that suffering and then the resulting reactions to it with the belief that some details make that act of losing control defendable while in a different story they do not. In other words, I was allowed to behave in that manner because Ryan was using substances but he wasn’t because it was wrong to use stuff regardless of the why. While it was the real truth that he shouldn’t have used those things to cope, that limited view or focusing in on that specific detail kept me from seeing that it was still a way of “flipping out” in any kind of life. There are a variety of reasons for why we lose control on our journeys and whether we agree or not in doing so, that behavior is the illumination of pain that needs help in order to transform. When I turn around and look at the yesterdays, I can see that I broke down a lot, hello pain, while being on my ride and it wasn’t just because of Ryan. So if I did why not Ryan as well even though his particular expression wasn’t desirable? His weeds as well as the worth of them had to be acknowledged and they were going to be seen in whatever manner that they could whether we wanted it or not. What he needed all along was for me to lean in to hear what he had to say but, as an illusion of perfection at that time, closing the door to the chaos was far more appealing and easier for me then the act of pulling weeds and not doing so was an accepted practice. But the fact is that it is impossible to actually assist someone in helping his or her self when we continue to repeat a behavior while telling that individual that he or she must stop losing control in his or her way without actually turning around ourselves and jumping into the weeds to go through as well. So is it possible to see the conflict in my saying stop “coping that way” because it’s not in your best interest while also implying that Ryan had failed by losing control in the first place but then also pointing out his flowers which should have prevented his fall but didn’t so he must be what the darkness said while being that perfectly justified person who wasn’t dealing either? That was a cycle of intermittent “f” words and moments provided from the outside and the inside that kept feeding the hell as we each “flipped out” together and not together while trying to get off the ride. When I pass this way again and again, because it’s always going to be with me as a part of who I am, I sometimes stop and wonder if he would still be here if I had showed up for my weeds long before his substance use began or if I had quickly jumped into the darkness despite not wanting to or believing that I needed too once he had begun. If I stay in that particular place for too long, though, pain will take hold of me through regret and grief and I will fall not unlike I already have in the yesterdays or even as Ryan did over the course of his “flipping out” and sobriety. What I do know is that I can’t undo what has already been done no matter what I wish for, because sometimes hope is impossible, so I have to take it all with me and keep working through the messes in order to transform them as well as me. The detail of the use of substances as a reflection of losing control is substantial or the thoughts about choice versus not an option have their position in this or the what and the who we enable holds a piece too but most of all it’s a series of movements in the pain that carries the weight of the world rather than any particular feature that has the ability to effect and limit our view. So pass this way again but this time in the terms of your offer, be safe in your fondness for yourself especially in the darkness as the pain illuminates what can still become a strength. After all, flowers become weathered when always in the light but understanding found in the weeds is a superpower that will always eventually get you through. Oh hell you know that you will pass this way again so you might as well decide to do it loudly with kindness and lots of tissues. Have the best day possible for you, don’t forget to laugh every so often until your stomach hurts and when thinking of you, look both ways. Every dream matters whether here or not. Thank you. Love Always, Heavell