Do people make consequences or do consequences make people? That question is something that Ryan had asked me to think about a couple of weeks before he became ill. He wrote that thought on a piece of paper and left it on a tray for me to look at when I had a moment. I found it a week after he died; along with several other slips of paper with questions or statements that he had written. In life we are taught that consequences result from the choices that we make; but that belief would be a green truth. There are often moments where people make choices that result in outcomes for someone other than themselves; whether an addict or not. Addiction itself is not a choice but rather the repercussion of substance utilization; regardless of the how or the why that use was created. No one aspires to have it or to hold it but it happens everyday; because no one knows if he or she will become dependent until the day that it becomes the reality. One of the things that Ryan had said about his drug use is that he had wanted to prove to his dad, a recovering addict, that substances could be stopped; if one chose to do so. His heart had been in the right place in his desire to save his dad but as he discovered for himself, addiction has never ever been that simple. Ryan’s actions ended up effecting many people just as many people had impacted him; throughout his life with their own choices. Was the end results proof that he had made the ramifications in his life or that they had made him? The real truth is that the answer contains both as well as so much more; because a part can never equal a whole. When hell comes through people, places, things, traumas, “f” moments or the BLAH, it can effect every part on the inside of us; feeding the hell within. Ryan had been completely justified in his use of substances in order to avoid the pain that he had felt from the moments of the all that had been in the yesterdays; even though it had been detrimental to his wellbeing. The understanding of both sides of that part, the heaven and the hell, took years for us to find. What is hidden in the shadows, in the those little boxes of feelings, can be hard to see and hear; whether an addict or not. What if in a moment like this you were to love, hate, accept or change every part of you; because you are the perfect person to do so? What if you were to see that as you are, you are justified in how you feel and have coped; but that you will continue to walk in circles as long as you feed the hell? Whether we are talking about addiction, people, places, things or the BLAH, we have to take it one part at a time. If we hope to transfer hurt, also known as anger and fear, into understanding then we cannot continue to repeat what brought us here in the first place. A tree can bring down a forest just as a part can bring down a whole; because on the circle of heavell, every single piece and dream matters.
A couple of days ago I was in the drive through at a MacDonald’s when I saw a young man at the intersection who was repeatedly crossing the street, talking to himself and waving his arms around. As I waited for my order to be completed, I overheard a man who was standing near my vehicle as he spoke with a 911 operator; he was describing the behavior of the erratic young man. Imagine, if you will, what your perspective of that young man would be. Would you believe that he is on the streets as the end result of his choices; such as using substances? Would you feel sorrow that yet another dream is in hell? Or believe he is a victim of the consequences created through the behaviors of others? As it was, that young man was behaving in that manner because of the confusion within his state of mental health; his to have and to hold even though he never aspired to do so. Literally he was walking in circles because he had no idea what to do or how to step forward; not unlike an addict or even a non-addict. The manager of that MacDonald’s insisted that because he had been aggressive in trying to take food, that he was in fact an addict; assuring me that he had a lot of knowledge on the subject. That manager’s perception was created from the moments in his life but unfortunately when we only see one part of the anything and the everything, we tend to feed the hell; being a part of the problem rather than the solution. Simply this young man in his slippers, who had mannerisms that are known to evoke anxiety and judgement in others, was in need of food and a drink on a very hot day. The real truth is that fear, anxiety, hurt, the BLAH and judgement have the ability to take a moment and propel it towards the possibility of serious trauma; that can have far reaching effects whether realized or not. That young man was unaware that he was impacting others and they were unconscious of their influence on his state of being as well. I purchased a meal for him and explained that his behaviors were causing concern in others. I will never forget the look on his face as he apologized to me and to the MacDonald’s employee standing next to me; who had insisted on following me outside in order to ensure my safety. I will also not forget the look on that employee’s face as she realized that the young man was not what he had appeared to be. What is in your words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? Do you feed the hell on the inside or on the outside? What would you want people to know about you; that judgement has prevented others from recognizing? I want you to know that I am and will always be the mother of a heroin addict, a sometime warrior, an “f” moment maker as well as so much more; but you cannot see any of that on the outside of me. Ryan was a contemplator of world issues, incredibly forgiving, a survivor of all that had been in the yesterdays and a sometime warrior; forever lost to those who never took the time to get to know all of him. If people are going to survive what has become theirs to have and to hold, then we literally need to take this one part at a time; because addiction or the BLAH has never ever been the result of nor will it be fixed by just one part.
Mental health issues have become a serious crisis in the world; effecting elementary children at an alarming rate. Those challenges include anxiety and depression; not just the ones that we normally associate with mental suffering. Pain, whether from the inside, the outside or both, is a part of substance abuse and as such must be dealt with. Another part of Ryan’s sobriety was found in doing everything he could in order to deal with the all that had been in the yesterdays; working with several amazing counselors. What if you were to ask yourself if you are happy? Do you even know what your emotional definition of that word is; not what others or a dictionary define it as? Addiction is a hell like no other but it also has the ability to become a superpower that allows you to love, hate, accept or change all of you; rather than deny or hide or be judged for some of your parts. Please hold on because you can find beauty no matter where you are; as long as you take it one part at a time. As you are, you are the perfect person to be the heavell keeper of your life.
Thank you Ryan for the lessons; especially the ones brought through your addiction. This still “fucking sucks” but we are learning to laugh at the stories of your antics as often as we cry over the ending of a sometime warrior; because you are the reason we had to learn to take it one part at a time.
Recent Comments