My son’s lawyers advised me to get him into a drug program. They said it would look good in the eyes of the court. The court. People unknown to me who had no knowledge of me or my child but would be deciding his fate due to his actions. I was completely panicked at this point. What had started as a shock that my child was using drugs quickly became a minute by minute range of emotions and pain on a daily basis. How was I supposed to handle or even survive all of this? Of course everyone has opinions on what to do, especially the judgers, but try LIVING IT. Who has a happy life and then decides to exchange it all for a stint in Hell?
Searching for a treatment plan was like taking a test on a subject that I had never taken the class for and my child’s life depended on my getting an A. I had to trust the people selling the programs because the experts supposedly had the master key. I had to trust that their formulas added up and that the numbers of successes were indeed truthful. In reality I should have talked to the people who went through the programs on a personal level instead of just reading and accepting what was said on the website or on the brochure or by the people involved with the program. I should have talked to the addicts because after all that was what my son was. People selling a program believe that program and they are not going to point out any flaws. They are going to claim that their way is the right way and if it does not work for an addict well…relapsing is a part of recovery. Some programs claim to have experience with multiple relapses. Is that because the addict failed to commit? Or is it because the program is not the right one? Or is it because addiction is a disease that holds the whole family accountable and not just the addict? How can this be so complicated? Because I felt I had failed some how or my child was a failure some how, I became a vulnerable parent desperate to solve my child’s addiction even though I still clearly did not understand what that meant. Why did he start and why cant he just stop?
I started by taking my son to an interview with an inpatient treatment program in another city. Based on their assessment that was determined by what they saw and heard, I was advised that Ryan did not belong in an inpatient treatment program. I am guessing that his appearance of a clean cut, polite young man played a role in that decision. I am SURE HIS LIES on the level of his drug use carried a lot of weight on their recommendation. People using drugs have already sold their souls for the cathartic relief they get while using. They are unaware or don’t care that the cost raises with each use until a catastrophic event, like being arrested or over-dosing or even dying, alters the game. Drugs are a life and death game for the addict, even the family, but processing that takes time and emotions prevent the process from moving quickly. How can any 30-90 day treatment program produce a win with MY CHILD whom I know better than anyone? Can it really be a win or is it a delay of game?
Our next step was an outpatient program. Fortunately there was one close by. Ryan and I went in for his assessment. We chose this program because they said all the right things based upon my knowledge. The requirement was that Ryan would attend several nights during the week, Saturday mornings and the “family” one night during the week. It seemed all so simple. Attend this, follow through with this, add this and in no time you will be moving forward again in life. No one actually said that but it felt like that. I was sure we would all be fine however the whole process of A plus B plus C plus…did not take into account all the players, all the members of the family and all the emotions that are involved. Every single person has to change behavior(s) in order for those steps to add up to the win. What happens if the players, the family, the addict or the master (known as drugs) don’t change or miss a step? How can anyone change when you are still trying to accept being in Hell?
A lot of treatment programs follow the 12 steps process of AA and this program chose to include that too. Meetings became our lifeline and the new “healthy addiction”. Parents introduced themselves at each meeting as the PODA of so and so. The counselor introduced himself as a survivor of this and an addict of that. I did not understand how introducing one’s self as an addict/survivor or parent of an addict everyday of one’s life actually helped anyone. The badge of whose kid was the worst or who was suffering the most became the norm. I did not want to keep talking about being in this group. I wanted hope that this would end. I could not understand how anyone would be a lifetime addict if treatment was completed. Confused emotions became a part of the deal because of this reality. There was comfort in knowing others were going through this. There was comfort in the plan. There was sadness in “forever an addict”. There was complacency of never getting out of the group of PODA. My mind kept screaming “Please let me out. I don’t want to do this. This can’t be right”. I was quietly dying on the inside.
Perhaps it was my need to get out of the group of PODA or my not understanding addiction is for life or just plain denial that led to many missteps along the way. Those missteps led to the believing of my son when he spoke even if events didn’t add up just because I couldn’t maintain being vertical for that day. His addiction also highlighted the flawed family that we were as we did not come together to work to save one of our own. The anger of family members and the fear of others placed me in the position of carrying the weight of our world on my shoulders. No one thought twice of heaping more responsibility, blame or pain on me. My daughters (as well as my son) needed me to solve this because it was destroying me and them. I kept trying to find the balance between emotion/pain and the normalcy that every day life requires. I believed I was doing this well but the reality of everything kicked me in the gut once again.
It became apparent that my son was again using drugs heavily. The hunt was on for an inpatient program that was out of state and the people who would be able to forcibly transport him there because he would not have gone willingly. I would have to set Ryan up for the take down while going against his lawyers and the court in order to save him. I am a rule follower. In fact breaking rules makes me very nervous but I was desperate and determined. I knew failing meant my son would die whether anyone else understood that or not. Time was not on my side so I made the call to a place in Utah…
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