When we think of things that come from nowhere, we visualize actions, words or the BLAH that suddenly appear without warning. What we don’t realize is that those things happen most often on the inside of ourselves; blindsiding us when they do. Our hearts grasp our feelings while our minds hold the words that we use to narrate our stories. They are separate parts within the whole that are together while not together. Because of that, what resonates with one does not necessarily translate for the other. Think back to a moment in your life when you felt very strongly about something that happened to you; whether an addict or not. Was it your mind that hurt or was it your heart that felt the pain? Were you able, at the time, to go through and say exactly how you felt? Did you then stop feeling that way once you expressed yourself? Or are you still carrying it in your heart because it is timeless? As you are, your mind is able to understand the who, what, how and why of moments. Your heart, however, does not use words to voice the emotions that it holds; declaring itself through pain, anger, sadness, anxiety, doubt or even the BLAH. So what? Turn around and understand that your mind can’t talk your heart out of feeling the weight of the world. What is there, though, is your ability to be all right while not being all right in some parts and or moments. This is you and this is also me finding our way in this kind of life; a so very heavell one. We are not illusions of perfection but instead are the bringers of hell and the beholders of heaven; in any given moment. What appears to come from nowhere can always be found living in our hearts; from the all that has been for us. Believe in your yesterdays but know that those things were never ever meant to go through into the tomorrows as the repeating of what has already been. Got Heavell? Of course you do. Why else would you be a sometime warrior with super powers who also falls? I’m just going to wait right here while you grasp your tissues as you go to that place that’s called nowhere; also known as your heart.
A year ago at this time, we were in an unexpected and unbelievable hell with Ryan being hospitalized. We went from his being on a long awaited fishing trip with a favorite uncle to being airlifted back to Tucson. He had fallen ill which resulted in his being unable to breathe on his own without the help of a ventilator; a consequence of his former substance abuse. Each day during that three week journey was an emotional rollercoaster; a battleground on the outside and the inside for all of us. It has seemed like yesterday over this past year through the moments that have appeared out of nowhere; even when I am laughing until my stomach hurts. After all, it is not my mind that is in distress but rather my heart that sometimes feels like it can’t breathe from the weight of how every moment has felt. Whether an addict or not, you have also had those moments in which your heart has continued to hurt despite what you or others said. As individuals who are experiencing this kind of life in different ways, we are connected by the understanding of what that means; regardless of the who, what, how or why for each of us. What you have breathed into your heart cannot be perceived of from the outside unless of course you express it in ways that it can be heard; at times those patterns will be detrimental to you and or others. Even when you do say what needs to be said, it often can and will be misunderstood by what others view; accept that. When you speak, it is to share your perspective but most of all it is because of and for you; so that you will listen to you. What you seek outside of yourself will never ever bring the relief for what is on the inside. While this life may exist in people, places and things, it is actually interpreted and lived through our feelings and personal emotional definitions; having been filled with our moments. Because of that, it is then within our reach to provide comfort and understanding to the place that needs it most; our hearts. What has been done cannot be undone nor will it ease in it’s loudness until you get comfortably uncomfortable with just being you. Oh hell, it’s going to be that kind of day. One in which you, as the heavell keeper of your life, hold the key to what hurts, makes you laugh and cry, find understanding for and the kindness that your heart needs. After all, you have always been the perfect person to take the nothing that came from nowhere and turn it into something beautiful; otherwise known as you. Here’s to having “f” moments and the all that they bring for us to hold. Love, Heavell.
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