Drugs were not my problem before because they did not affect me…until they did. If they troubled you or yours then that was your problem. Indifference is convenient until you realize that the snake banks on that indifference; or even the complacency that we feel when someone is affected by something that is not our problem nor our choice. Out of sight out of mind. That false sense of security is how the snake has taken over, turning dreams into nightmares.
Judgement also helps the snake. I am guilty of feeling that I am justified in my anger over this situation. Even my anger towards everyone seen and not seen in how this came to be. My assessment though prevents me from fully looking at my role. I was sure that their “sins” were worse then mine were. I would not have reacted this way if they had not acted that way. It has allowed me to not be accountable for my actions. To claim powerlessness when in actuality I have always been more powerful than I have realized. No matter the size of the action or reaction or inaction, it carries an impact. Add them all together and moments can outweigh everything else. I am still working through my understanding of how I feel and how others feel; those emotional definitions. Anger still flares in me about certain situations especially when I see others justifying their choices. I, however, must look in the mirror so that I may see how I have helped and especially how I have harmed.
I have, in my times of desperation, wished for a superhero or a magic wand or a time traveling machine to end this nightmare. We are in hell. Reaching for or clutching at anything that will help is normal. Bargaining for the end of it has occurred on a moment to moment basis for me. I asked the question of “why” a million times expecting the answer to pop out of thin air. When it didn’t, I rolled through my anger and my sadness searching for the person responsible as well as the person who could fix this. Here we are though; no superhero, no magic wand, no way to go back and change this. Everything happens for a reason. I am a part of the circle of heavell and I have avoided the mirror too. It is so much easier to see how people and things affect us then it is to see how we affect people and things; to understand the impact we have.
Four days had passed and Thanksgiving was the next day. My ex and his father would be joining my family for dinner. Our families had never shared a holiday during our marriage. It had taken a tragedy to bring us together now. My husband and Taylor would make the drive to another city to have lunch with his family and then return in time for dinner. Instead of celebrating at our home, it would be held at my parent’s house. They were five minutes away from the hospital. Close enough that it was almost as if Ryan would be there and yet just far enough away that the nightmare was kept in the back ground. Now you see me now you don’t.
When trauma occurs, the mind, body and spirit can be over run with emotions. Those events can be as simple as being unheard, devalued, blamed, on up to extreme events that happen to us, are witnessed by us or happen to people we know. At times we handle traumas well but more often than not we fail to cope especially if they occur during our childhood. Ryan, his dad and I dealt with traumas in very similar ways despite the titles of addicts and non-addict. I had coped by ignoring things as if they would miraculously go away on their own, leaving no after effects. They had fended for themselves by using drugs to not feel their pain. All three of us did not deal appropriately and our actions or lack of affected others. It is so much easier to expect adults and children to do as we say rather than as we do.
The doctors had told us that we needed to get Ryan high top shoes. His feet were continually in a position of pointing down on the bed. That position could lead to the muscles in his feet staying that way permanently. He would have had to walk on his tippy toes. That is, if he ever was able to breathe on his own again. His father had gone out and bought the ugliest high tops that he could find. They were black with orange shoe laces. They were to serve as a shocking reminder of why they had been purchased. As his father put them on Ryan’s feet, tying them firmly, I had snapped a photo. It had reminded me of the first high top, white shoes Ryan had worn. He had walked at the age of eight months skipping over crawling as if it were a waste of time. Everything he had done in life had been “with gusto”, including his drug use. Now he was 18 years old, unable to breathe on his own and his dad was tying his shoes for him just like when he was a little child.
That day came to an end with the same conversation with the doctors as the previous days. “He should be able to breathe on his own by now. This is BAD…”. They were shocked over the lack of change in him. I was in disbelief of it. Ryan was a fighter and yet he wasn’t fighting. Why? Tell me WHY!
Breathe fallen angel breathe. The green truth is convenient. The snake is the enemy. Stop biting his apples. You sold your soul. Tricks aren’t just for drugs. Some people appear to be good. The forest is responsible for the tree. You should look in the mirror not me. Now I see you…don’t leave me. Promise?
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