When I listen to the words of addicts, I hear very similar things. Words of pain and of not being heard; not from a moment, or a person but from many, many things through out their lives. I perceive the same from non-addicts. We all want to be heard, seen and accepted for who we are. We blame addicts for listening to the snake and for biting the apples. The snake however does not just speak to addicts. We are all listening while using our emotional definitions to justify our actions and reactions. The aspect of being respectful towards others seems to be determined by how we perceive them and ourselves. Addicts have failed to cope and are perceived as less than. The green truth is that they are the failures in society. The real truth is that they are not really that different from non-addicts but their behaviors make them the obvious problem. Over my lifetime I have encountered many people who have lied to me, lied about me and held me accountable for their unhappiness in life. Their choices. Some of these people were close to me and some were brief encounters. Some were addicts but most were not. Most were not. I, myself, have also done some if not all of these things. Every single one of us is responsible for our position in the circle of heavell and how it affects the whole circle. We cannot justify our behaviors based upon others’ behavior. The mirror knows the real truth about everyone; not looking into it does not remove the sins nor the accountability for them.
Respect is not something that only certain people are entitled to. Giving it is a reflection of ourselves not what others have earned. Recently I had the opportunity to buy a meal for a homeless, young addict who is battling mental illness. During our brief time together he must have apologized for his needing food at least twenty times. Each time I responded that he was fine. I had to explain to him that he deserved to be seen and heard just as much as I did. How many people over how many moments have devalued this young man in his life? How many more will do the same thing in the future? His actions and reactions are only one part of those moments that also include the behaviors of everyone else in the circle of heavell. I know how he feels having been on the receiving end of that type of behavior. I left that young man sitting at a table eating his meal and clutching the water bottle I had bought for him. I may have made a difference for a moment in his life but he impacted me in a way he probably does not even realize. As a mother, I have failed to hear my children. I was too busy being right. Too busy justifying my actions. How can we be so willing to defend to the death that we are not wrong? Why do we expect others to be accountable and yet we are not? Not hearing my children had cost me my son and had dramatically affected my daughters’ lives. I can still hear that police officer, from when Ryan was first arrested for drugs, telling me to let Ryan go because that was what he had done. He had let his child go.
The trauma of Ryan over-dosing was different than turning away from an addict child. His body was there in the ICU but he was not there. I had felt as if my choices were gone. Telling him to let go was my way of releasing him from his suffering. Perhaps even mine. I stood there thinking about when he had entered my life. He had been perfect when he was born. I remembered each finger and toe. He had always had a mischievous look in his beautiful blue eyes that had been slightly open as he lay there. He walked at 8 months and had proven to be an athlete in any sport he took an interest in. His heart was kind as he would defend anyone smaller than himself; which was most kids. He had a zest for life. His motto had been “Go big or go home”. He had taken that same attitude to his drug use and now he was going home. It just wasn’t our home. Through that dream that had turned into nightmare, he had always remained my poster child. Other people might not have seen that or felt that way about him but I always would because I knew who he was. His life had unfortunately held so many moments of devaluing that he hadn’t just listened to the snake, he had eaten all the apples. The failure of the forest to value each individual tree is what brings down the whole forest. Happy people don’t alter their state of being but unhappy people do. You just don’t have to be an addict to run from your pain, your sins, your lack of accountability nor to justify your choices.
Angels are led to where they fall. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. To all the non-believers. Why do you justify your behavior? Addicts and non-addicts both listen to the snake. Do you see the sins? All dreams matter. Behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is why we have failed. You can run but you can’t hide. The green truth is that the poster child is the problem. The real truth is that we are all responsible for the circle of heavell. For our sins. Just ask the mirror. When you breathe, I breathe. It was too much to ask you to live. I am letting go too.
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