To have hope and belief in our ability to deal with what effects us from the outside of ourselves, we must have confidence in what lives on the inside especially when our courage and strength are not easily found nor remembered as ever having been a part of going through in the yesterdays. What happens, though, when the words that we say to ourselves reflects more of our “f” moments or those that appear to be than they do of the actual beauty that is a part of each of us? Or what if our pain feels like such a mess that closing the door and keeping it shut is the only view we are able to think about? What we are encountering is what we believe we are capable of in this moment because that uncomfortable voice is far louder than the one that speaks when we or things are all right. For instance, the voice of fear is most often expressed in an aggressive manner that does not imply being scared but rather that an individual is angry. Pain is another feeling that is also conveyed in that very same way. Our feeling hurt or scared is thought to be a sign of weakness where as being mad is seen more as a strength or a position of power. Even beauty can be misleading in the thought that it is something to be seen on the outside of us while the real truth is that it is a complicated place that at times holds feelings of fear and pain as a part of any transformation. In other words, if you don’t talk straight to yourself and to others, knowing what words actually mean for you, you will continue to experience feelings as well as the belief that you lack courage and therefore are impossible. So what if you are scared or worried or anxious? So what if this moment or the last one or the next one hurts? If you turn around, you will see that everyone is fearful and overwhelmed by messes at some point in their lives for far longer than they should be as well. Those particulars may be different for each of us but the reactions to whatever adversities we encounter are similar no matter who we think or feel we are. For me there are and always will be moments in which my thoughts lean towards my grief over the loss of Ryan and how that feels in the place that needs me most. I can distract myself by keeping busy but what I can’t do is hide from myself how much it hurts and that, while different, is really just like whatever feels the worst for someone else. Pain, fear, anger and beauty cannot be compared as it is defined by each individual and his or her moments but what we can do is understand that any of it, in any given moment, can destroy or lift up that person as the beholder of it not as we on the outside value it. Today I am living this so very heavell life by leaning in to hear what needs to be while also loving the moments in which I can laugh until my stomach hurts because it’s good to be home no matter what breathes there. This is you and this is me and we might as well be who we are because it’s what we are going through with even when there are parts that we hate. The small things and the big ones that have been cannot be changed into a different truth until we believe that falls are not weakness but rather the moments prior to the discovery of steps. After all, superpowers and sometime warriors are made for what will always find a way to be illuminated rather than the moments that are all right. I am going to wait right here for you while you find the possibilities of an inanimate object like a box of tissues as well as the beauty of weeds and words in your kind of life.
Next week on Tuesday, January 19, 2021, Heavell will be linking a Facebook page called Ryan Travels The U.S. to it’s website. This page was started by Ashlee, unbeknownst to me, a short time after Ryan died in May 2019. On this page she placed a variety of photos of Ryan that anyone could download onto their phone and then take him with them on a trip somewhere. These family, friends and complete strangers took a photo of themselves while holding Ryan’s photo in whatever place they wanted him to be seen and he’s actually been all over the world including the 2019’s winning game of the world series and the U.S.A. Women’s soccer team playing against Ireland as well as a 14,000 foot peak in Colorado. Ashlee came up with this idea because there’s a love that will continue on for our Ryan and so that he could still travel to places or events since his health prevented that in that last couple of years of his life. A month after in February, Heavell will be adding a page to its website so that you may share photos of you and your friends, loved ones or even strangers that have been lost to this world because of addiction and or mental health issues. You will have the opportunity to share a few words to describe your dreams or to say something to them as well. All photos and words will need to be approved of first by Heavell before being published. Every dream matters whether here or not and we want to illuminate them as being more than just what destroyed them. After all, there’s a love that will continue on for them as well in the simplest moments, the “fun” ones and the ones we cry over so we might as well be who we are. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
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