The saying that “misery loves company” is the real truth on the inside of us; as well as the outside of us. Being perceived by others can encourage us to fracture ourselves in order to belong; focusing on only a part or some parts. The unity that can be found there or even through substances, can then lead to our continually walking in circles; actually feeding the hell. The green truth is that the oneness that is felt through the belonging makes us whole but the real truth is that it can and does create discord within ourselves. Which group is on the inside; as well as the outside of you? Which one can see your pain but will also motivate you to find the beauty that lives in hell; in order to move forth on the trail? Which one hopes that you will just be in that hurt? Somehow the feeling as well as the justification that “everyone is doing it or everyone is at this place” makes the anything and the everything seem alright; regardless of who or what may be harmed in the process. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Share with me how you feel so that I may understand you but most of all so that you may remember all of you; not just a part or some parts. Have you ever been in a room full of people, known or unknown, and felt alone? How about being in a group in which you feel as if you must hide a part or some parts of yourself? Or are seen only for being a part or some parts? The green truth is that being included by others or fitting in with them or the use of substances will remove the hell; whether an addict or not. The real truth is that no matter where you are or who you are with or what part has the loudest voice, you will still have to walk your trail in hell alone; no person, place, thing or substance can change that. What if in a moment like this, you realized that you are the perfect person because you were made in heavell; and as such are the heavell keeper of your life?
One of my favorite addicts is celebrating and suffering in sobriety this week. He or she has chosen to do it differently this time because what has been done in all of the yesterdays has continued to not work for that person. Hope lives in every moment of the past, the present and the future but it will stay in the shadows if we continue to repeat the same actions while expecting a different outcome. When I spoke with this person, I relayed a story that I had briefly watched on my local PBS station. A young man was speaking about being an ADHD person; how it had been hell for him. His perspective reflected his frustrations while his interpretation showed the influence of words and actions as given by others; because we can lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others. This young man had spoken with another person, a woman, who had a completely different take on being an ADHD person. I could see and hear that her words had had a profound effect on him; the discovery of the beauty of hell. She said that being ADHD was her superpower; her strength rather than her weakness. The view of every moment, trauma, part or the BLAH is in the heart of the beholder. If our recognition of something is only the hell, then it can be all but impossible to have hope or courage or to even breathe in brave. In the anything and the everything, as well as ourselves, there is both a heaven and hell and as such we must treat them equally; even if we can’t yet see it or don’t want to. I asked my friend, “What if your addiction really was and is meant to become your “superpower”; the creation of the warrior in you?”. The adversity of what has been has always been intended to undermine you, to challenge you on the trail, but it was never ever meant to completely destroy you or to become all that you are; a part can never equal a whole. We assume that heaven is the place to find superpowers, our strengths, but the real truth is that they are created through our suffering in hell; and merely celebrated in our heaven. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you because your perspective will determine how long you walk in circles. You were made in heavell so what if you seek out the beauty by viewing addiction as the opportunity for you to become whole; whether an addict or not?
I am confident and comfortable with my heaven as well as my hell; as produced by me and as given to me by others. The pain, the traumas, the “f” moments and the BLAH have hurt me on the inside and as such I have expressed them on the outside; just like an addict. It seemed easier to expect others to pick their own weeds while I just smelled my flowers; justifying or denying my behaviors. The real truth is that I was behaving today as I had yesterday, while expecting a different outcome, by following rather than leading myself and or others; walking in circles. My superpower lies in my ability to transform the all that has been for me into my understanding that what has broken me has also lifted me up; the beauty of adversity. You can find me in heaven as it’s the place to just be but you can also find me in hell because that is where my sometime warrior was created; and is still needed in any given moment. Tomorrow holds the hope that no matter what is found on my trail, or even yours, we will eventually go through; rather than continue to walk in those circles. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Tricks aren’t just for substance abuse because heaven and hell use them as well; to make you both incapacitated and fierce. Got Heavell? You certainly do because just like me, you were made there.
To my friend: You have been walking in circles in hell; for what has appeared to be forever. It was heaven to hear the strength in your voice again; even though I know you are suffering in your sobriety. Prior to and throughout your addiction, you have felt and seen so much; breathing into your heart what was never yours to carry nor all that you are or will be. No one ever wants to feel the all that has been but its power has grown from your running; don’t feed the hell. Turn your pain and the anger into understanding by facing the mirror and heading towards what you fear most; the real truth. Stay strong and be weak, together as well as separately, by being the heavell keeper of your life. Sometime warriors are created by your parts being all for one and one for all; otherwise you will stay fractured. Life’s journey is filled with the moments that we’ll never forget because they have always been made in heavell.
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