Love Them Where They Are #206

The best features of our flowers are found in how they make it simple for us to see beauty, to breathe in hope and to have a friendship with ourselves. In that particular place of comfortableness and positivity, love is easy because they are, after all, a celebration of our desired things. However, when we leave that site and find ourselves confined in what we don’t want, the door closes on what safety and fondness is for ourselves. Why is that? How can we feel possible in one moment or place and then perceive of only being objectionable because of a different one? Is it that what flowers represents makes us believe that we can only be safe and loved in their light? Or is it being in the weeds and the matter of time it takes to get out of them or is it that memories are a funny thing or perhaps its both that can change what we feel for ourselves? Or just maybe it’s all of those items plus so much more that pushes friendship with ourselves into the shadows. As Ryan stepped towards and fell into the use of tricky substances, his flowers withered and once he was in that place there were others in his life that completely forgot that he had ever had any flowers to begin with as well. I imagine that my focus on handing him his value was in part because of the fact that while those celebrations were no longer seen they still existed regardless of any opinions that said otherwise. The details or reasons for why Ryan and the others behaved in that manner are what separates them but what brings them together while still not being together is the unity of turning away from him while he was in the darkness. Sobriety, as we know, is a painful series of movements that start, stop, speed off and plummet and then repeat themselves all over again and again because it is a ride on a rollercoaster in hell not a stroll in the flowers where safety and love are easy. It is a “flipping out” in any kind of life and once there, getting out is as tricky as those substances are but there is the hope that change is possible. Ryan’s journey in those weeds was a long one that also held periods of beauty and belief but unfortunately from the start and to the end those others continued with their same view even when he was no longer in that particular place. When I pass this way again, I have to wonder how much did those specific perceptions, as well as those from the others we encountered along the way, continue to feed the very hell we wanted to end as well as actually delayed the possibility of his transition. It’s easy to think that at times my steps as his scared out of my mind mother empowered his substance use, of course they did, but in a different and yet still very real truth so did his encounters with those who failed to remember his ever having any flowers and those who assumed he never did. The question is, then, what role did those experiences play in helping to keep him in that place as well as to go back there again and again as a part of the circle, the cycle, of substance use? When someone has lost his or her safety and fondness on the inside, our words and actions can either encourage possible or enable the impossible; effecting the changes that we want as well as the ones we don’t. We can’t do it for them but we don’t need to choose to make getting out of the weeds any harder than it already is. Ryan was well aware of every dreaded “f” moment that he ever had whether real or imagined. Those things were a part of his falling to begin with and then coping through substances as he continued to try and keep the door closed on the pain. He didn’t need to be reminded of them because he lived and breathed them in every moment of every day. He didn’t need me to point out his flowers because their beauty was faded in his field of view and those two different perceptions kept us separated when what we needed was for us to be together. It was essential for Ryan to find forgiveness for himself for having “flipped out” in his so very heavell life that was a hell of a ride in the weeds, not just from his substance use, but that felt impossible when others only reminded him of his darkness. That is not saying that there weren’t things that needed to be dealt with because there were but the change that we wanted had a far better chance with all of the parts transforming than with just one or some. Ryan, of course, still had to want to whether we did or not and he did, as did some off us as well, but that ride was in part harder and longer because of the “flipping out” by others with different perceptions. The value of the hurt and the opportunity for understanding that it provides about ourselves as well as for others has never ever been easy to recognize, especially when in the midst of it, but they are defining details of safety and love that help us to believe we are possible no matter where we are in our series of movements. Trust, fondness, friendship, fun, hope and even beauty are some of the best features of our showing up for ourselves and for others but they don’t stop existing just because the illumination of something else has pushed them into the shadows where they will stay until transformation has the chance to lift those items back up. It’s not that we can’t have gray lines in order to be safe and to have fondness for ourselves but it is that we can do so while also being able to love them where they are and not just when we are laughing until our stomachs hurt or smelling flowers or are comfortable. This is me and while the stories and the reasons may separate us, we still go somewhere together in our responses to any kind of life and within that there is understanding and friendship if we sit and lean in to hear. Be loud and be kind because there is still time for change to be what we desire even though pain has a way of making us believe we are only safe and loved in the light of flowers. Have the best day possible for you and if memories are a funny thing for you, remember to love them where they are as you look both ways at your collection of things. Love Always, Heavell