Love Always #190

Just like how words carry different emotional definitions for each of us, our personal gray lines on the inside can fluctuate from moment to moment, feeling to feeling and person to person. What we won’t accept from one person will often be something that we will tolerate and excuse from someone else or even from ourselves. Let’s start with the terms lost and found as well as what we believe to be a part of being one or the other. Each of us has a perception of what being off-course means, not together, and it is often easier to see someone as being in that place when it pertains to not having concrete things such as jobs, education, a home or items. What’s not there though is the different truth that one can have all or some of those pieces while still being adrift in feelings, possibilities, communication, connections, understanding and love. In other words, the perception of being lost appears to be defined by the lack of easily seen things but there are far more hidden details in actually being in that place than what we can possibly determine from just the view in front of us. Even the value of being found, having it together, is represented as having or achieving things and yet the absence of those objects is not an accurate reflection of anyone’s knowledge, possibilities, experiences, understanding, connections or strength because those particular entities live on the inside where they can’t be seen. What, then, does it means to be lost as well as to be found for you? Why is that? Are you aware that in order to be located you have to have been misplaced to begin with because those two words can only exist in the presence of each other just as fear and courage do? How would you feel if what you believe made you who you are simply disappeared? Now turn around and look at the others in your life and what you view they hold as well as what you are willing to accept from each of them. Is it easier to tolerate actions in some moments, for some things or only for some people based upon what you believe they have? Why is that? This past Monday, Memorial Day, was the two year anniversary of Ryan’s death. Rather than being able to just focus on the memories of his life, those “f” moments that were fabulous as well as the failed ones, and what I believe has been learned from him, an addict amongst the group had a major life event that thrust everyone into a mess. In that chaos, gray lines, values, words and the tolerating of some things from only some people came into my view as someone who was, for the most part, on the outside of the situation. There was even two different views from two of the positions on the circle of the situation comparing the value of items versus the trauma of the scenario. What wasn’t there when that adversity came to be was the love always that was actually needed by all for all. It has always been easier to be supportive or to appear to be when everything is all right but open the door to pain and fear and see how quickly we each become adrift, not together, despite the collection of things that we believe say we are together. I have to acknowledge that I felt angry about the mess and the behaviors of those involved. Controversary is never convenient nor simple and it often comes when we don’t want it which is actually never. As I turn around and look at all of the objects that I have accumulated over the years, not a single one is useful in helping me to go through on my trail especially when my grief feels like the weight of the world in my heart as it was on Monday. So despite the appearance of having it together through the image of my things, I actually still get lost periodically and I don’t always handle life well like when the loud voice of fear or pain is expressed through my anger. It is, however, good to be home within me because while I am not always all right, I know that being adrift is the moment before stepping into being located regardless of the time it takes for me to get there. New gray lines have emerged for me from this past mess because it is about love always for myself. Only I can define what I will tolerate or not and what I can or cannot do otherwise the value of anything will be decided on the outside of myself which, just like easily seen concrete things, won’t help me go through in this so very heavell life and will actually facilitate the continuation of my walking in circles instead; also known as the feeding of hell. This is me and this is also you whether you are an addict or not. Have the best day possible for you regardless of being together or not while on your journey. Be kind and be loud while you Love Always. Heavell