We all feel something about everything. Even an inanimate object evokes feelings in us. Take a cell phone for instance. We use them. We need them. Some people cannot live without them. Based on the importance of our cellphones, we belong to the group that feels the same way about it. I had felt indifference towards mine prior to the discovery of Ryan’s drug use. After he had over-dosed, my emotional definition changed. It had been used by his “friend” to inform me of that fateful moment. I then had used it to notify family and friends as I rushed to the hospital. I had also used mine to call my friend for the words of strength that I needed daily during that trauma. My cellphone had held me hostage as I constantly checked to see where it was and that it was charged in order to be reached anywhere at anytime. Mine had become a lifeline between myself, family and friends and most importantly the people taking care of Ryan. I needed it and I hated it. Heaven or hell was at any given moment one phone call away. I had never understood why people couldn’t live without their cellphones until circumstances placed me in the position of feeling the same way.
Drugs are another inanimate object that evokes a host of different feelings depending upon how or if they affect you. My children had never actually seen their father use drugs but he would disappear during their visits for hours or even days. The draw of the apples and the relief that they offered him was stronger than any love he had for his children. When drugs take precedence over children, they are left believing the green truth; that they themselves are unlovable. It creates abandonment issues. Ashlee and Ryan’s emotional definitions of themselves and life were defined during that time; affected by not just their father but by all of us. The two of them were joined by the despair that drugs had brought into their lives. Ultimately they were separated when Ryan had listened to the snake and stepped towards the lure of the apples. It was there that he found a connection with his father; abandoning Ashlee just as he had. Everything that my children felt during that hell became clear to me when my dream turned into a nightmare. Living it lead to the discovery of emotions that I could not perceive otherwise. How can we solve this if we do not recognize that each of us feels our own way about everything created by our own emotional definitions?
Ashlee and Ryan’s life with their father did not just affect them as Taylor was thrown into hell when drugs became a part of our home life. After Ryan had gone to rehab, she believed like the rest of us, the green truth that drugs would no longer have an affect on us once he came home. While looking at Ryan laying in that bed in the ICU, she said that she had felt betrayed; angry, fearful and BETRAYED. What had that meant to her? Had Taylor and Ashlee felt the same way? The two of them had become connected as the siblings of an addict; which is a different position than a child of an addict. As the mother of all three, the fight to save him often resulted in them making and accepting sacrifices. How could we have understood each other when this was my child and their sibling? I would have fought for any of them but the circumstances along with the emotional definitions did not leave any of them feeling as if I would have. Do as I say not as I do had been a failure on my part and it had affected my children. I was a part of the circle of heavell that lead my children to where they were even though I had never realized it. I had even denied how my actions and reactions could have played a role in the descent into hell that was our life. By behaving today as I did yesterday as I would tomorrow, I was ensuring none of us would get out.
It was a different day and yet the same story. Ryan was alive because a machine was breathing for him. The doctors’ had been stunned over the lack of change. One of them told me that it was unusual for someone who had over-dosed to not be able to breathe on their own after 24 or even 48 hours; especially not 6 days later. Was it the heroin laced with fentanyl that had done this? The amount of time that had passed before he had received care? I had needed the answer because it had always been easier to blame one thing, one moment, one mistake, one person for all of it. If only Ryan had done what I said instead of feeling as he had, he would not have been lying in that ICU bed. The real truth was it was every moment, everything and all of us. With each passing day it had become clear that he was not going to be able to breathe on his own ever again. Drugs had not just claimed my son, they had claimed all of us and we would never be the same.
I know an angel that fell. So do you. The poster child is still my dream despite the nightmare. The circle of heavell teaches us to understand each other. A tree can destroy a whole forest. It’s not just one soul for sale…it’s all of us. Do as you say to do because we lead our children to where they are. Just look at the mirror and you will see. When you breathe, I breathe except you aren’t breathing.
Recent Comments