When a part becomes the definer of us, a chain is created that binds us to it. Over time, we can develop the simultaneous feelings of not wanting it and yet not knowing how to just be without it; as the loudest voice on the inside. Taylor has told me that while she hates her disease, over the years, it has become a familiar hell; the limitations that it has brought have become comfortable. With the possibility of a cure being found, she has begun to consider how her life may evolve; without those physical restrictions. What if in this moment you contemplated what you would do, how you would just be, if addiction were to end tomorrow; whether an addict or not? Hope keeps us moving while the fear of the unknown helps us to remain living today as we did yesterday; even if we don’t want that. We, ourselves, feed the hell when we fail to recognize the abilities of our heaven; especially when the “f” moments, the traumas or the BLAHs occur. What has been done will always just be because it cannot be undone but you do not have to just be in that place; unless of course you are comfortable there. An addict once told me that he had relapsed and subsequently had made a fool of himself in the process. I said, “So what?” He replied, “But I made a fool of myself!” I heard the recognition of the hell in his voice as he breathed it into his heart; reinforcing his thought process that its all that he is or ever will be. Our perceptions of ourselves, as well as those of others, are actually what chains us in that place of pain. Each of us has the opportunity to find the beauty that can be located in the shadows; by not being defined by a part, some parts, “f” moments or the BLAH. How at ease are you with just being in the place that you are; on the inside as well as the outside? What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Whether you have an illness, an addiction or the BLAH, you have the ability to use your heaven to lift up your hell; being strong even when you are weak. You are and have always been the heavell keeper of your life. Therefore it is you and you alone who must move forth on your trail in life’s journey; even if everyone else is walking in circles on theirs.
The longer we stay in the place of hurt, the hell, the more difficult it can become to find hope; even though it is always there. What do you see when you look in the mirror? How did it come to just be there? What is the real truth of your life? Has it become all that you are; even though that was never meant to just be? In the yesterdays, I have had moments of foolishness and the possibility exists that I will again in the tomorrows; not unlike an addict. There is also the probability, nay a guarantee, that life will present challenges in those future days that will immobilize me as well; returning to walking in circles. So what? None of that is a complete representation of who I am; no matter if you meet me when I am standing or completely lost on a circle. What those moments are meant to be is the opportunity to learn to see our hell and then accept it as having been just a part of us; whether an addict or not. It is not the place to continue to just be in but the point before eventually moving forward once again; in whatever time that takes. It’s also where the sometime warrior is created; even if there are only glimpses of that part of you. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Today is the chance to breathe in brave even if you are feeling scared or are comfortable with the hell; we all are at some point. Find the grace through the understanding of why you are feeling that hell on the inside and then expressing it on the outside; to the detriment of yourself as well as others. Be a victim, be a monster, be both, just be there or realize that while you may feel disadvantaged in some parts, you have depth in other ones. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept and change every part of you; but never to deny otherwise you will remain fractured. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you; chaining and unchaining yourself. Life’s journey is not an illusion of perfection but a full circle of heavell that leaves us on the ground and raises the sometime warriors; while at times we act like fools or are immobile.
The beauty of my son’s addiction, that incredible trail in hell, has been the discovery of, the meeting of and the learning from so many amazing people. It is often easy to miss out on or even to dismiss the vast array of interpretations that are available to us through the words of others; especially when hell overwhelms us. One such group that I am learning about and from is known as BrokenHourGlass. They feature artists Brian Powers and Tyler Jenkins. Tyler has written a song, untitled as of yet, that contains a line that resonates with me. It is: “Take a walk in my shoes, tell me what you see as me” I love those words because they bring the contemplation of what is being felt and seen from the inside of someone else; which is actually so much more than what we on the outside believe we see. How do you feel about that line? If I were you, what would I see on the inside and from the inside of you; rather than what you share, or appear to be, on the outside? There have been many times over the years that I have wished that people who were not going through what I was, would have taken the time to step into my shoes rather than judge me; I am sure Ryan has felt the same way even about me. Our perceptions belong to us, having been created by the all that has been, but there are times when we need to be understood and moments when we need to understand as well. All feelings matter as they carry the weight of the world in the heart of each beholder. So while Tyler and I come from two different worlds, we both have the desire to be perceived of in a manner other than what we have been; that connection. How would things change, if you were able to see people, places, things and even the BLAH from a different view? What if in a moment like this you decided to stop feeding the hell by discovering what its like to walk the life’s journey of someone other than yourself? Got Heavell? I hope so because there is so much more to you, me and everyone else; whether an addict or not.
Thank you Tyler and Brian @brokenhourglass_records for allowing me to quote your line. The words of others, as well as their sometime warrior status, can help us to find and or give a voice to the little boxes of feelings that we are not comfortable with. Thank you for helping me to locate one of mine.
Recent Comments