Our experiences create the energy of who we are that will always just stay with us; even if some of them now live and breathe in the shadows. Moving forward on the trail in heavell implies leaving behind those people, places, things or the BLAH that have been a part of our lives; but that is a green truth. It is possible to be all right and not fine at the same time in any given moment. Ashlee pointed out to me that I will eventually be okay in my life but that I will never be okay with Ryan being gone; the heaven and the hell of a part and or the whole. If that is the real truth for me in Ryan’s death, then it is also the reality for anyone else who carries in his or her heart the weight of the world from a moment or the BLAH; whether an addict or not. When it comes to the anything and the everything, there will always be some that we wish to keep forever and ones that we never want to feel again; both, however, will always remain as a part of the formation of us. What has been done cannot be undone and as such they are an important piece of the yesterdays. They will also move forward with us into today and then appear in the tomorrows; to help guide us on the circle of heavell. It is possible for you to perceive of me even if you have never been to the place that I am now at; the value of such lies solely in the heart of the beholder. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? There really are no expressions that can be said by anyone that will ever make this hell okay for me; just as I nor anyone else can make yours all right either. Those emotional definitions, not just words, live on the inside of each of us; from every moment of happiness, suffering and in between. They are what makes each of us the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; but never to deny any one of them if we expect to be whole. I am not a sometime warrior because life has only been heaven or the appearance of it; nor have you. The real truth is that we have it all through our life long moments that are meant to stay with us as we walk our trails in heavell. What if in a moment like this you chose to do this differently by embracing your hell; feeling destroyed in one part while still being able to be all right in the other ones?
During the three weeks that Ryan was in the hospital there was another young man who was also in the ICU on a ventilator; he is still on that floor fighting every day for his life. I had overheard his mom in the ICU waiting room; speaking about getting him into a rehab for his addiction to alcohol. She has joined the group of parents of addicts; whether she wanted to or not. We found comfort over those weeks in the exchanging of the progresses as well as the setbacks of our sons; encouraging hope when one of us felt scared. I understood her distress as I had been in that place years ago when Ryan had overdosed at 18 years of age. She was able to perceive of me as a mother who was holding the hands of fear and courage; while breathing in brave. In that unimaginable hell, two people who would have never crossed paths became friends. One of the first things she spoke of the day that we met was about the judgement she had received; as a part of this new hell in her life. I could completely relate to that because it has been something I have had to deal with for years. Even when Ryan had arrived at the hospital in Tucson this time, judgement was expressed through the eroneous conclusions of some of the medical professionals; words that were filled with their feelings rather than the real truth. When we feed the hell, we fail to think clearly and problem solve appropriately; thus encouraging the continuation of cycles that are detrimental to all. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Are you a part of the solution, the heaven, or are you a part of ensuring that hell will always stay close? Life long moments will always contain the weeds but they also hold the flowers; and as such we must treat them equally in order to be whole. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this differently by asking how you can help or by just listening; rather than telling someone what they have done wrong? What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside of all of us; as a reflection of what needs to be seen as well as dealt with. I’m not it because I believe in your heaven but know that I am also well aware of your hell; because every single one of us is a circle of heavell. So what? It only matters if you use the knowledge of you to destroy yourself and or others; rather than to learn and lift up. A part can never equal a whole so breathe in brave while looking in the mirror; you have always been so much more. Share with me how you feel about the anything and the everything so that I may know you; but also so that you may remember all of you. Hold on because while the trail may appear to end, there is always another way to step forward; bringing along all that has been to use in what will be in the tomorrows. Just as every dream matters, whether here or not, so does every moment.
To Sharon: Life long moments brought us together in a hospital that is very far from your home. I have watched you over the weeks transform your fear, through the grace of understanding, into knowing what both of you need; despite his inability, at times, to speak. Your courage is inspiring and your hope has taken life inside of your son as well. Your power lies in that determination to help him help himself. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you every day. Thank you for your support; especially in my darkest moments in hell.
To Josh: We have never met but I know you through your mom. She has been with you every moment; except for the once a week that she leaves to take a shower and wash clothes. Whatever has happened in your life is in the yesterdays and while it will always be with you, it is not all that you are. You have shown that you are a sometime warrior; just like your mom. Breathe in brave fallen angel as you move forward in your life long moment.
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