How we feel about the anything and the everything in our lives can be difficult to understand within ourselves but even more challenging when it pertains to others. Despite any similarities, we are each a circle of heavell with our parts creating our personal whole. When we express how we feel, depending on our emotional definitions and those of others, we can either experience being perceived or being disregarded or even being completely devalued. We often seek that validation of our feelings by being heard on the outside of ourselves rather than discovering how to believe and support from within. In the yesterdays, our words held all that should be with our children but as they move forth in seeking their own independence and acceptance, that influence becomes one that others can and do control; sometimes in secret and sometimes publicly. Over the years as I have listened to addicts and non-addicts speak about their feelings on addiction, substances and life, I noticed that while everyone used similar words, those comments did not express the same things from the inside to the outside for each person. The definitions of words merely describes the universal understanding of them but when they are conveyed by the user, they carry the weight of the world as perceived by that person. When we listen to others, we can either discern a connection with them or we can feel disassociated from them; even within the same family. Everyone on the circles of heavell has the ability to lift up or to destroy others as well as ourselves through the comprehension of those individual emotional definitions. Tricks are not just for drugs but also live in the failure to be aware of the value of feelings within ourselves and others. We are each the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change each part of ourselves in order to be whole; but not if we deny or devalue any piece of our circle or those that are outside of us. People, places, things, substances and BLAH help us to either run from, cope with or find the justification in our feelings; sometimes to the detriment of ourselves and others. Please stand by as we are all in need of repair.
There were two children who each had a bouncy ball at their individual homes. The first one played with his or her ball everyday and loved it as a favorite toy. The second child had no attachment to his or her ball. That child went over to the home of the initial one and saw the favorite ball on the ground. While walking to the front door, the second child kicked that ball so hard it had burst. The first one then came out and proceeded to yell at the other one for having destroyed his or her favorite toy. Each of those children had their own emotional definition pertaining to that toy that was based on the feelings that had been created through their own experiences with bouncy balls; rather than just knowing the dictionary definition of the word. While it can be said that the second child should not have kicked that bouncy ball hard enough to burst it when it was not his or hers to do so with, that was only a part of what was said and not said between the two children. Through the second child’s action, the initial child felt he or she had been devalued by the loss of that favorite toy. Because of his or her own indifference towards the object, the second child was not able to perceive of what the first one had expressed. A moment can carry so much more on the inside then can necessarily be perceived on the outside or even in the appearances of things for each individual that is involved.
How I feel based upon my life experiences is important to me but that is not necessarily the real truth for anyone else including those within my family. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? In theirs to you as well as themselves? Do they contain the green truth, the real truth or even lies? Do you feel validated or devalued or somewhere in between? I have found that when I express my pain, those that have also felt a similar pain will connect with me but that it is not the automatic response of those who have not. If the ones who have had a role in my pain, do not grasp my feelings, the situation becomes even more complicated; just like the story of those two children and the value of bouncy balls as it pertains to each of them. It is not easy for others to connect with what is on the inside of ourselves that we express on the outside; regardless of being an addict or not. Words are just words but within them is the story of each us where only our hearts truly know of all that has been. The mirror holds the real truth about what has happened to us, what we have done as well to others, and the feelings that have been created through all of it. The yesterdays will always be and as such we must look at them in order to not repeat them today or even in the tomorrows. Ryan has said that all addicts and non-addicts need a place to just be, on the inside and the outside, rather than a place to un-be through justification, denial, substances, people, things or BLAH. Take the hands of courage and fear while breathing in brave and hold on because it is possible to find beauty while in hell. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because words are merely just words and not necessarily the real truth of what is on the inside.
There are times when we need the support of those who grasp our feelings and all that they hold as it pertains to being the friends and the families of addicts. One such group is @theaddictally on Instagram or wethevillage.co where you can not only find answers and support from professionals but also those who are or have lived through the hell of addiction. You will also be able to provide your valuable knowledge to those who are: new to dealing with addiction, caught in a cycle that needs a different perspective or in need of the understanding that can be found in the beauty of encouragement from those who can perceive of us.
To Chad: Three years have passed since you left this world even though it feels as if we just saw you yesterday. You will always be one of our dreams because you are a part of what makes us whole on our circle of heavell. Love you and miss you yesterday, today and into the tomorrows.
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