Just Starting #261

Imagine that you are writing a story about an ordinary individual whose goal is to finally defeat a specific dragon so that he or she can return home to live a desired life. Think about how that person never envisioned being held for such an extended time by that beast and the challenge will be to use who he or she has become during that captivity rather than the one who had entered that cave oh so long ago. Visualize how the previous failed attempts have affected him or her particularly now that the persona is about to try again. All that individual has been dreaming about is getting back to the place where he or she was, which of course is understandable, but what could be said differently to overcome those feelings of failure? Now replace that story plot with your own. The long-term goal is for you to conquer your particular dragon so what do you think needs to be adjusted for how you are feeling in this very moment? If your battle scars have changed the way you see and believe in yourself, then how will you hold onto the light of your hope as you encounter debris along that trail? I had never been the mother of an addict until Ryan started using substances and it felt like I was trapped right along with him. Of course, I was able to come and go physically from that darkness, but even when I wasn’t in that place, I was breathing it in as if I were. As we know when we are in the midst of a mess, the loud voices of our emotions can turn a moment into forever and a step into walking in circles regardless of our goals. I have never been the mother of a deceased child either until a moment a little more than three years ago made that a reality for me and any growth that I thought I had made disappeared from my sight as my anger grew in power from the pain. You see, I am not a persona in a made-up story and while our details may be different, when it comes to battling real-life dragons every day, any kind of captivity can feel as if we are just starting again and again. Shaping hope means working with who we are right this very minute not who we were nor the goal of who we want to be tomorrow. In other words, the mother of the non-substance user wasn’t really helpful particularly the longer we stayed on that addiction ride and the mother of the addict didn’t know what to say to the mom of the kid who didn’t survive the damage from his prior substance use. I have finally and painfully begun to adjust to that debris found in a so very heavell life. Love lives in so many ways but we falter when we don’t accommodate ourselves with the understanding that “I have never been here before” despite it appearing to be a repeat of yesterday. After all, you are another moment stronger even if you are feeling weaker. We don’t always read flowers as we should because while they appear to be a goal to get to, hope is the flower that we carry with us wherever we are, and we have to shape it to fit what we need when we need it. Today might not be your day, I feel that, but then it just means that it’s the right time to be kind to yourself by sitting with you in that place rather than thinking about who you were or who you should be. A story of love for yourself is often simply accepting you as you are until you are able to move the plot. Be smart with your goals by adjusting your expectations to flow with your proficiency as it fluctuates with your feelings along your sun-lit and debris-filled journey. Each day we are just starting because it might turn out to be the type of day where we need tissues for our tears of pain, or it could be the one where our stomachs hurt from laughing and our tears are from joy. Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell