Everyone behaves today as they did yesterday and as they will tomorrow. There is comfort in that consistency until conflict arises that challenges those expectations. If your child has done as you said, then you will develop the presumption of that. Young children tend to do as we say because we are in the position of power with them. At some point though, as the pressures of our expectations as well as outside influences mount, he or she will deviate from the behaviors that we have come to know. They will NOT behave today as they did yesterday; sometimes in secret. They are coping as well as they can without necessarily having the emotional intelligence to do so. I am guilty of having the assumptions that my words, my thoughts carried the same weight, the same importance, as they did when my children were young. The problem with that expectation was that it failed to take into account the influences of others as well as the very personal emotional definitions that each of my children were developing on their own. As conflicts emerged that affected them and ultimately us, I continued to react today as I had yesterday expecting the same outcome. When the outcome wasn’t the same, my frustration level rose, resulting in the response of just do as I say! I had failed to cope well with the changes in them. Children are perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. The green truth is that I was and still am a very involved parent. The real truth is that it takes so much more than just being involved. We have to embrace the inconvenience of them as well as allow them to become who they are; not who we think or want them to be. Not acknowledging the importance of their thoughts and feelings was my failure not theirs. I have lead my dreams to where they are today. How difficult would it be to change a behavior in me that I had become comfortable with? What does it imply to my children if I expect them to change or adjust and yet I failed to do so? Ryan and I are very much the same but my behaviors imply I am the good one; the one who copes well. His behaviors just make it easy for others to appear to be good.
Recently a woman I know was arrested for a DUI. She has addiction problems with alcohol but has always made sure to not drive while under the influence. For whatever reason this time she chose to drive, placing herself and others at risk. Her behavior, her choice was wrong. She has failed to cope well affected by whatever happened in her life. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do. She justifies her behavior as does everyone else. She had been released from the jail in the middle of the night. She had no idea where she was having never been there before. The employees of that jail did not respond to her questions of where she was. Unfortunately this is not an uncommon story. She was there because of her behavior however they used her choice to justify their bad behavior. She is unaware of how her actions affects others and so are these employees. Neither is able to see that someone could get hurt by any one of those choices. Addicts and non-addicts are very much the same. Every day we make choices that affect others. When it is pointed out that a behavior affects someone, more often then not, the behavior is justified. If you had not been here then I would not have done this. If you had not acted this way then I would not have acted that way. It is your fault not mine is the common theme amongst all of us. I have asked, pleaded and threatened addicts and non-addicts to stop behaving in ways that affected me in an adverse manner. They have asked the same of me. None of us changed our behaviors because we felt justified in them. How is it possible that we could behave in ways that harm others or places them in harms way and justify it? How about when it involves someone we claim to love? Lack of accountability is a failure of ours to understand our role on the circle of heavell and the affects of the whole circle. A non-addict I know has often used the rationale that his choices are based off of his feelings of anger; not knowing what to do. He feels justified and yet he does not believe that anyone else is entitled to feel angry about his choices. He has failed to cope well and it is everyone else who needs to adjust or change. There is no vindication for the wrong behavior. The mirror knows the truth about all of us and holding others accountable for our choices won’t nullify that. We lead dreams to where they fall by behaving today as we did yesterday as we will continue to do so tomorrow. Tricks are definitely not just for drugs.
As I walked into Ryan’s ICU room, my father had smiled at me. I then stopped and looked at the doctor who was also smiling at me. No one said a word. I then turned and looked at Ryan expecting to see the same thing that I had seen everyday for 15 days. I had been completely unaware that the sound of the ventilator was gone. Instead of seeing the half-closed eyes I was use to, his eyes were wide open. All of the tubing that had gone into his mouth and nose had been removed. He mouthed the word mom at me as he was unable to speak because of his trache. He held his arms open so that I could hug him. I was completely stunned. He was AWAKE. Breathing on his own. During the time that it had taken for me to go home to get ready for work and drop my youngest off at school, the doctor had decided to try one more time to wean him off of that ventilator before the nursing home came to transport him. A minute prior to walking into that room, I had come to terms with ending his life in 6months to a year. “This is bad” had turned into “This is a miracle”. I walked towards him while saying “Look at you!”. Ryan had always been a go big or go home kid. He had gone big by fighting back and now he was coming home! That is the Ryan I know. He is my dream, my poster child who became a fallen angel.
When you breathe I breathe. Every dream matters. We tricked drugs. I belong to the group “Parents of Drug Addicts”. The snake tells lies. Don’t listen. Now you see me now you don’t. There is the green truth and then there is the real truth. Perfectly, Irritatingly, Messy People. The valley is filled with fallen angels. Everyone has little boxes of feelings. To all the non-believers. Addicts are Just Like You. Some people just appear to be good. Mirror, mirror just tell the truth. All three of my dreams have been my greatest teachers. They have also been my guides in the circle of heavell.
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