The dreaded “f” word seems to be synonymous with the words addict and addiction. Somehow it’s as if we have been conditioned to think less of those who have become one and those who raise them; especially if they use drugs. So what if I am the mother of an addict? I am, after all, a human being who has not necessarily known how to handle having it all; the heaven and the hell. Yes a part of the hell of me has been the “f” word; also known as fail, failed and failure. We can’t learn to do this better if we do not recognize the role our own mistakes have played; instead of pretending to be illusions of perfection. The other day a parent was upset about his or her child’s lying. I listened intently to all the things that this parent was hurt and frustrated by. I can remember how angry I felt every time I had discovered another lie from Ryan or anyone for that matter. If whatever someone is doing is alright, even acceptable, then why lie about it? Why not just put it on the table for all to see? There was a cycle of lies, frustrations, discoveries, actions, reactions and anger that led to the feeling of being trapped on a ferris wheel in a life that someone else seemed to be in control of. Tricks were not just for drugs but were for anyone who was hiding or denying a choice, a behavior, a BLAH. The problem with seeing others as the only ones with the failures, who need to change, is that it removes the part where we can learn to understand ourselves and each other better. That parent who was upset about the violations that his or her child was perpetuating, is someone who has and continues to lie. The whole do as I say and not as I do becomes an irony in the cycles of failing; where only some behaviors are seen as acceptable or justifiable and only some people are allowed to lie. What’s in your words that you say to others and to yourself? As you can imagine, that parent didn’t want to hear anything other than what he or she said and believed; otherwise that parent would have asked rather than just spoke at me. I hope my simple response of “yes it is painful when people lie to us; particularly when that someone is a person we love” brought peace but also ushered in the mirror that will eventually be looked at rather than continued to be denied. “Just be” in the knowledge that you have been or are the “f” word at some point in life. Each and every one of us has and will make mistakes that can and do result in failures; regardless of whether we are an addict or not. The green truth was that Ryan was the failure while the real truth is that I am as well for my part on the circle of heavell in our lives. The hiding of that honesty mattered when we were in denial but the seeking of that reality is when this all began to change. While it’s important to find the heaven in things or moments, we have done so almost to the detriment of our ability to cope well in hell. The “f” word is an opportunity to try again by not repeating today what was done yesterday. Tomorrow holds the possibility that lessons failed will become lessons learned. No one, and I do mean no one, is only heaven or just a dream. We are all a circle of heavell that includes being hell or a nightmare at any given time to anyone or even to all. Things happen in life that are not always easy or even necessarily possible to overcome in our heads but especially in our hearts. Sometimes the odds do feel overwhelmingly stacked against us and its okay to feel that way. Step back and breathe knowing that it is acceptable to not have done every moment well before or even now. Be kind to yourself as you move through the emotional hell of addiction and the “f” word; just don’t deny it or justify it. When you can, use the experiences of your life, that pain, trauma and successes, to start again. Every part of you is what makes you the only one in this world; especially those mistakes done by you and to you. You need to find an understanding, an acceptance, of those parts because yesterday will always be. If we don’t process through the hell, then we will continue to appear to be illusions of perfection who don’t truly know how to have it all. How do you feel about anything and everything? What will you do with the knowledge of you?
Eleven years ago this week I was honored to give a part of myself, a kidney, to another person whose life depended on my ability to do so. That donation is just one part of my life that has been made up of heaven and hell. My truth is that I have been a failure as well as an illusion of perfection and also a success; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. If you are able to gift a part of yourself to another, l hope you choose the admittance that you have been or are the “f” word. Breathe in brave while holding the hands of courage and fear as you speak the real truth about you. Then dare to change it by learning from it. You never know whose life may rely upon your being able to do so; including your own. If you cannot accept you on your bad days then you will never truly have good days. Denying any of the parts prevents beauty from being found in hell. “Just be” in the knowledge of you; starting with the “f” word…
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