It can be difficult to understand how we got here but if we turn around, there is a lot to listen to from the yesterdays. After all, it has always been easier to close doors, to say that it doesn’t matter or to hide things in the shadows rather than go through what makes us uncomfortable. However those things have the ability to repeatedly effect the building of our wholes and need to be heard. Whether an addict or not, what holds the strongest voice for you? What one word would you then use to describe that particular part? In-between what we see and what we feel is the balance of being destroyed and lifted up. It is the position where there is understanding that being lost is a part of the process of being found or just another “f” moment. It is the site that holds a fall as the beginning of a rise or a tumble into a darkness where light cannot be found. It is also the place where walking in circles always happens before steps or it is the repeating of today what has already been in the yesterdays. If you are going to breathe in the mess, then open the door so that what’s in-between can be seen rather than continue to grow in the darkness. This is you and this is me. We do not always look like this because sometimes it’s worse and at other times it is better. If it seems like yesterday, then perhaps it is if you are still trying to go through without all of your details; especially the painful ones. No matter what group(s) you belong to, a mess is still a mess and beauty is still beauty. What appears to be for certain is really just the beginning of what else can be found wherever you are. After all, that nothing that came from nowhere has always been something in the place that needs you most. Here’s to listening and to saying all that is required while understanding that the value is in the heart of each beholder. Here’s to the hope that as you go along your trail in a life that is so very heavell, you will breathe in both the flowers and the weeds as well as everything else in-between.
As the mother of a former heroin addict, thief, liar and manipulator for the hell, there is an “f” word that others have used to describe both Ryan and I; overlapping our groups. What do you imagine that term is? Has that word ever been used to describe you as well? That term happens to be a facilitator of the hell through the placing of values on stories that are complicated by those tricky details and or substances; while not seeing or hearing those things. While the intent of using that word is to judge the merit of the receiver, hidden within it are other definitions. Depending upon what moments and feelings you have chained to that term, your view will either place you in this group or that one or perhaps the one that is in-between. What we can understand, together and separately, is that each reference includes falling but what is not as easily seen is that some also hold the beauty of an unfolding rise or change. What is in the words that you say but also in the terms that you hear? If you connect with only the pain of a person, word, part, moment or messy room, then you are feeding the hell on the inside and the outside. If the real truth is that you have in part fallen, failed or are flawed, then consent to the other real truth which is that you are also in the comfortably uncomfortable state of change for your matter of time. You can continue to hide things and close doors or find more by seeing and hearing beyond what is just in front of you. This is me and I am an “f” moment maker that includes flaws as well as fabulousness. My personal emotional definition of those two terms and everything else in-between makes me who I am. This is you and at times our groups overlap because while the details of a feeling may be created and defined in many ways, it still lives in the place that needs us most; and we can all understand that. Every word, moment, part and feeling holds heaven and hell for us to find but its our view that keeps us walking in circles or fallen for longer than we should be. Turn around because what’s in-between is as important today as it was yesterday. I am just going to wait right here while you see me in you and you in me regardless of our stories. After all, it’s the kind of life where boxes of tissues are needed for laughing until our stomachs hurt, the pain that is often expressed through fear and anger as well as everything else that can be found in-between. See you soon. Love Heavell
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