One of my favorite lines is an expression that I learned from Ashlee. She uses it when someone is behaving in a manner that is less than he or she is capable of being; we are each so much more than that. She works with young people who are challenged with mental, emotional and addiction issues. When one of them is expressing on the outside what is being felt on the inside, she tells that person “I’m not it”. Those words mean that Ashlee is not the person who will believe nor accept that this is all that the individual is or can be. If there are moments, traumas, the BLAH in his or her life, that it is merely a part or some parts of who he or she is; a part or some parts can never equal a whole. All that has been in the yesterdays or that could even possibly be in the tomorrows may not be within that individual’s control but what matters is what one does with the knowledge of the whole self. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? When you look in the mirror, do you see the green truth or the real truth? Share your feelings with me so that I may know you; but don’t forget to treat both your heaven and your hell equally. We really do have it all, whether we want to see that or not; whether an addict or not.
The non-believers are those who don’t believe in each of us, including themselves, as being a circle of heavell; convinced that a part or some parts are equal to a whole. When did you become one yourself? When did you stop seeing all that you are? For each part, there is a heaven side as well as a hell side; at times there are multiples of them located within a single piece. It is up to you to pick your own weeds and to smell your own flowers for every one so that you may be more than an illusion of one or the other; whether an addict or not. Life can never be just heaven because it does not exist without the help of hell. Hell will never be that far away as life will always be filled with adversity; even for those who appear to only have heaven. Our trip to Nashville contained both heaven and hell. Taylor’s disease is the hell and being a part of multiple studies that are searching for a cure is the easily seen heaven. In Nashville, the heaven was that the researchers are looking at the disease in a different way than the other two studies are; looking at every part is better than only seeing one. The hell of it is that it’s possible that a cure may open the door for a different disease; something we had not perceived of in our quest for that heaven. Also as a part of the trip were two days of airline delays and missed connections. The first day occurred on our way there and our gratefulness for the inclusion outweighed any inconvenience or adversity. The second one happened on the day of our return; after emotionally and physically exhausting days. I did not handle the second one as well as I did the first. In fact there were probably several minutes of hell that were felt on the inside and then expressed on the outside. No matter the moment, the anything and the everything, people, things or the BLAH, there is always a circle of heavell involved. Beauty can be found no matter where you are if you look for it; even if it is just in the lesson of not breathing into your heart the hell that others bring. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
What you feel on the inside, whether an addict or not, will be expressed on the outside; sometimes to the detriment of ourselves and or others. If you are going to express the hell about yourself or someone else, then you must also discover and then state the heaven of that part or moment or BLAH. In doing so, we can acknowledge the pain that can and does carry the weight of the world; as felt in the heart of the beholder. We can also place that hell where it belongs; as a part or some parts of us but never as the whole of us. When under duress, each of us has the ability to be a nightmare through words and actions that are then added to the anything and the everything of ourselves and others. The delays and the missed connections from those days were frustrating but it was my reaction that had the ability to lift up or bring down myself, Taylor and potentially others; while still being delayed and having missed connections. I have to imagine that if Ashlee had been on that trip with us, she would have said “I’m not it” as I expressed my feelings; in a manner that was less than I am or can be. What will you do with the knowledge of all of you? What beauty can you find no matter where you are? Addicts are focused on the addictive substances and we are focused on the addiction; with the hell being a constant perception. We all need to breathe in brave and remember that a bad moment, part or BLAH does not equal a whole; and as such it can’t be the only thing we look at or speak about. This is not a competition but a quest to help each of us, whether an addict or not, to become whole; by loving, hating, accepting or changing while never denying any of our parts. Please stand by because hope lives in the tomorrows, in every single part and in hell as well; whether seen or not. You are the perfect person to speak about all of you. I’m not it because I believe in your circle of heavell. What do you believe?
To Ashlee: Once again you have taught me something about myself, about you and others as well. Your grace is the ability to instill in others that they are and can do this better; because they are so much more than just the hell. You are a beautiful circle of heavell. Thank you for all that you see, say and do. I love you.
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