People often talk about the achievements of their children. Achievements are concrete things that are easily seen and understood; they are not a measure of happiness. What no person has ever said to me is whether or not their children are happy nor whether or not they are coping well in life. Why is that? If I ask someone if his or her child is happy, the parent usually looks surprised and replies yes. We make assumptions that the attainment of jobs, education, vacations, houses, vehicles, clothes and BLAH leads to happiness but they do not. They are certainly important and can remove some of the stress in life but they are in no way an indication of how someone is actually coping emotionally. How we see and hear ourselves, as well as others, is an indication of our coping skills and our happiness level. Concrete items are the green truth. They are found in the cliff notes in life. We want these things and we need these things but they can never meet our emotional needs; using them as a definition of ourselves is why we are here. We can be in a room full of people, having the best of BLAH and still be as lonely as we are in an empty house. Everyday we affect others in positive and negative manners that carry far greater weight than any concrete item ever will. On the circle of heavell you are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem. Your achievements will not remove your accountability for that. Once at a holiday party a woman, that my husband and I know, ran around whispering to all the other people about me. What she said I do not know. What she did though was encourage these other people to mistreat me. The snake spoke and the apples were eaten. Everyone is doing it however just because you can does not mean you should. Her conscious choice, as well as the behaviors of the others, spoke volumes about who they truly were versus who they appear to be. Education, money, clothes, religion, charitable donations, BLAH will never make wrong behavior right; appearing to be good based on concrete items does not actually make you good nor happy. I am an adult and it took a lot of strength to stand and smile despite what was being done. I walked away from that situation maintaining who I am and made the easy choice to never interact with any of those people again. How do we expect children or even the fallen angels to stand through such common behavior? We lead people to where they are while justifying our own behavior. Do as I say not as I do. The mirror knows the real truth about everyone but it is much easier for people to point fingers at someone else in order to prevent the truth about them from being seen.
I had the honor of meeting two perfectly, irritatingly, messy young men over the weekend who welcomed me with open arms and big smiles. Both young men were very articulate about their observations in life. Each has faced their own personal traumas and coped in their own personal ways. One is a recovering addict and the son of a dear friend. Neither of them was aware that I am the parent of an addict until I told them so. These young men are very aware of how parents/others perceive and feel about addicts. They have faced judgement repeatedly. My son is also very conscious of how others feel about him. As their mothers, we are also painfully aware of everyone else’s feelings besides having our own. All of it requires an emotional balancing act in order to understand and support the entire circle of heavell; unfortunately that often opens the door to judgement. Judgement is the justification of one’s behavior in reaction to another’s behavior and requires no effort at all. There is a difference between judgement and opinion. I can tell you that the non-believers have never taken the time to find out why my son became an addict but they certainly judged him for it. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do. I can tell you that not one of them has ever told him to keep up the good fight whether he was sober or not. Ryan is an inconvenience in the world of green truths as are these two young men. Addicts’ behaviors make it easy for others to appear to be good; illusions of perfection. It is never convenient to hear or see others because it requires work; something not found in the cliff notes of life. Treat others as you would have them treat you because if it is good enough for them then it certainly is good enough for you. Take the time to look in the mirror. Did you feel heard when you were young? Have you encountered the judgement of others? How did that feel? Are you a judger? Do you believe that behaving today as you did yesterday as you will justify in the future is the path out of hell? We are frustrated and hurt by the repeat behavior of addicts, the relapses, and yet as non-addicts we do exactly the same thing. I once pointed out to a family member that he consistently repeated a behavior that affected me adversely despite my asking him to stop on a multitude of occasions. He of course denied and then justified his behavior. Non-addicts and addicts are really the same. We reap what we sow in small and big ways all the while justifying our behavior while judging/blaming others for theirs.
The fallen angels are speaking. Do you hear or do you justify? Look to the mirror for the truth. The snake speaks and non-addicts bite the apples too. Some people appear to be good but it is an illusion of perfection. To the non-believers. Your behavior tells the truth about you. Tricks are not just for drugs. For our sins big and small. The circle of heavell. We all have dreams and they all matter. Now you see me, now you don’t because it is not convenient. We lead people to where they are and then blame them for it. I am your guide in hell but only you can do the work to get out. When you breathe I breathe.
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