What does being brave mean to you? Often we feel that the people who have that quality are the ones who are rescuers or enforcers, or are people who go above and beyond or perhaps are even self-less. We believe that the bold do what they do because they are strong physically, emotionally and mentally. Those things are true but they are also a green truth. Some moments of bravery lay in the day an addict decides not to use a substance any more or a parent decides to send their teen away to rehab despite that teen’s pleadings not to. The simple act of not acting can also be bravery as long as excuses or justification are not a part of it. I have been immobile from fear to the point of being on my knees during a lot of the years of Ryan’s drug use. I have also had a few moments of incredible bravery that I reached deep inside to find; like when I had Ryan forcefully taken away to rehab or when I planned to turn off his ventilator. For some people, daring is found in the simple act of getting up each day or in walking into a classroom full of people. It is also found in those who step forward despite having stepped back the day before. Being brave does not mean that you have all of the answers nor all of the strength that is required to do or to overcome something. It means that at some point you stand and step forward for however long you are able to in whatever manner you are able to; sometimes while holding the hand of fear. That fortitude is expressed in the word no as well as the word yes. It can be found in not knowing what to do today with the belief that it will be solved in the future. It is formed in the ability to love, hate, accept or change each part of our personal circle of heavell. That strength is also shown when we recognize the effect that our actions have had on others and not just theirs on us. Courage is found in the smallest of moments as well as the biggest ones no matter who you are or what you have done or have survived. It takes grit to choose to not continue to behave today as you did yesterday. Heart lies in the traumas, the failings, the mistakes, and the losses. Beauty is not just in the places that you fit in but can also be discovered where you don’t. It is, however, never found in comparison nor competition because those are the friends of the apples known as denial, justification and excuses. Bravery lives in you and breathes when you do but sometimes it’s hard to remember how to do that.
Hell can bring the bravest to their knees because it loves everyone equally even if some appear to be there longer than others. Past or current traumas, no matter the size, can fracture us to the point that we may be surviving while not coping well. Being lost at times is a part of life, especially when things do not go as planned. It was not my plan for Ryan to become an addict nor was it his but here we are. It was not Ashlee’s plan to grow up with an addict as her father and ultimately an addict as her brother nor to make sacrifices in order to help both of them. It was not Taylor’s plan to have her brother’s addiction effect her life nor to suffer an illness that would alter her life but they both did. When people, places and things bring shadows or even darkness into our lives, it is easy to be angry and or unable to move forth; sometimes in secret and sometimes for long periods of time. It is not just our traumas but the pain of others, that once shared, that can damage us as well. Addicts and non-addicts both fail to manage well through challenges while using denial or justification to continue existing. The chains that bind us can and do bind others whether we realize it or not and even if that was not our intent. We know how to long for, enjoy and love heaven as we believe happiness is found only there. We have, however, failed to develop a relationship with hell even though it is an intimate part of the circle of heavell that we all reside in. That what doesn’t kill us still breaks us but it need not be the sole definer of us. Hiding it will not remove it from being a part of the circle nor will lying about its existence even with the help of justification. You can run but the mirror will find you because your little boxes of feelings are what make you the only you. Love, hate, accept and change all those parts of you. Know that beauty reflects both light and dark because it is as much a part of hell as it is of heaven. We already have it all but we don’t actually know what to do with the parts that are not the happy ones. Bravery lives in you so take your time breathing until you are able to bear one step. This is not a competition but a crusade to embrace all of you perhaps today, or tomorrow or in the future. You will find us in hell holding the hand of courage as well as fear while being perfectly, irritatingly, messy people but never illusions of perfection. We are not brave every day but have been in moments that ultimately led to our standing. Be kind to you for you are the perfect person to accept and love all of you.
Last week I met an amazing young man named Trevor Garroutte whose purpose had been laid out with each step moving towards the happiness that he desired. Then life brought hell in the discovery of a blood disorder and a cancer that would end his purpose forever besides having the ability to kill him; he had already survived being a medic for the military in Iraq. With bravery he faced his illness and won but in that hell he lost his way because he no longer knew what to do or who to be. He spiraled into homelessness for sometime. He eventually returned to his family but found he was merely existing while searching for a job. Knowing he would never find himself if he didn’t break the chains, he decided to embark on a walk across the United States that started in California and ended in South Carolina. In his book titled “Stomping In Puddles”, he details that which broke him as well as helped him to find his way back. This book is a remarkable and raw reflection of Trevor and yet so relatable for any of us. We can understand the trauma, the pain, the loneliness and being unable to breathe as well as the feeling of making it through one day at a time. The book is available on Amazon for $15.00. Trevor is a veteran, a cancer survivor, a writer, and a speaker who found beauty in hell.
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