I Am Real #35

Is today a good day or a bad day? Some days I am completely strong in my determination to win the game against addiction as is every parent whose dream has become a fallen angel. On the days that I feel overwhelmed or lost, fear makes it hard for me to breathe. I think that those days are affected by Ryan’s attitude and or by my attitude. When I have a bad day, I am able to recognize that it will pass. Ryan’s bad days can lead to a host of issues that can include death. I have developed an attitude of never give up and also one of acceptance that death continues to lurk in the shadows; the extreme conflict of the two keeps me in a heightened state at times. I have stood next to too many parents whose battle was ended by death. There is no peace when a fallen angel is lost forever because questions, hopes and dreams remain unanswered for eternity.  I am plagued by the “what ifs” that play repeatedly in my mind. I belong to the parents of drug addicts group and yet there is also some small part of me in the parents of gone forever addicts group. It has been very hard to not linger in a mourning state when I turn and look at the past; at what could have been. My expectations versus the realities have been in conflict on more than one occasion. Sometimes I still hope to wake up and find that none of this is the truth but merely a nightmare while sleeping. When actuality sets in, I feel the fear spreading throughout my body that if the behavior of everyone on the circle of heavell does not change, tomorrow will be the same as today as it was yesterday. I do not want live that way anymore and that fuels my fear that we won’t get out until Ryan actually does die. Addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same because accountability and change is almost impossible for everyone to implement. We lead angels to where they fall and we lead angels to where they stand. We do this individually and as a whole. Ironically my ex-husband has become one of my best supporters. We frequently did not agree when our children were young and rarely spoke. Today we talk every few days or so. He always supports my decisions while still offering help and advice as best as he can. My father has also been an amazing supporter of mine as well as Ryan’s. I have needed that belief in me because I cannot do this alone. I never could have imagined that I would have to reach deep within myself to find the strength of an army to stand against the devastation that hell has brought. On the days I do not want to be that strong or can’t look in the mirror, I try to be kind to myself by taking care of me. It is not denial to turn away from the mirror but a survival mode to keep from being destroyed. What does not kill us still breaks us but with lessons learned, we can evolve to being stronger.

I have a new friend who works for a rehabilitation center. He is the first person that parents encounter when searching for that perfect place to end addiction for their dream. He is a former addict who has risen from his fall. He is a parent. He understands my fears as well as my pain. His story is filled with suffering and a laughter that is so infectious, I felt like I had known him for years. He imparted his thoughts and feelings of his life as well as his addiction to me as the son of a mother who has been where I am now. He is the hope that parents of drug addicts are looking for; a dream that was lost but has returned. He has remorse for the pain and choices of the past. He believes in the strength of his mother as having been a part of his ability to stand. Parents are crucial in the fight against addiction because we are the ones who help to lead our children into or out of hell. I, however, also believe that he should be celebrated because addiction is only one part of him and not the whole sum of him. I am the mother of a drug addict but I am so much more than that. While addiction lurks in the shadows of my life, I have suffered and laughed with all my might through out all of my time for many good and bad reasons. It is important that I do not allow addiction to cause me to be lost as well. I have other children who need for me to love, laugh and fight for them as often as possible too. This new friend and I are very much alike because we have failed to see that we are each, individually, made up of a full circle of heavell with addiction being only one part of us. We are real people living in heaven or hell on any given day; many times its both.

I breathe when you breathe but I can breathe on my own too. I am real. I am a circle of heavell. The green truth and the real truth are not the same. Denial is not a friend. My little boxes of feelings. The snake speaks. Everybody agrees. A dream became a nightmare and then a dream again. Today is the same as tomorrow as yesterday was. The fallen angel is still fallen. Some people appear to be good. Are you there drugs? It’s me, a mother and so much more.