Feeling empty and powerless in hell is an experience that loves everyone equally. Hell has the ability to place any and all in a solitary confinement even though the effects of others are still able to reach us.There are so many negative actions and reactions in that place that it can be hard to breathe. Ryan has told me that substances require more, each time that they are used, in order to facilitate the implied freedom found in yesterday. He has also said that negative behaviors promote a release of pain that can be cathartic regardless of the repercussions that can and do come from them. I know that when I have been angry, especially during so many of those overwhelming moments of fear and frustration, that I have felt the discharge of pain when I expressed it. With each time that the strong feeling of exasperation surged through me, I became louder while seeming to be more powerful. Negative behaviors and or substances always lead to the need for additional amounts in order to find that relief as well as to continue the justification of them. A cycle is then created in the use of substances, people, places, things or behaviors in the pursuit of the memory of yesterday where the soul first breathed the appearance of liberation; despite the fact nothing will ever invoke that moment again. We seek power from the outside of us through the venues that appear to provide the commiseration we desire. We elicit a connection wherever we can find it even if the cost is ourselves and or others because we need to be perceived.
One of my seemingly powerful moments in dealing with Ryan’s addiction came when I had him forcefully taken away to a rehab in the wilderness. I had felt like a victim of his dependency but in that moment I felt like I had the strength of a giant even though I had in fact become a monster. The goal had been to save him before he over-dosed and died as well as to allow myself to breathe again. Tricks were not just for drugs as they were also for me as I sought to break the chains that bound all of us. The words “anything for the win” could have been placed on a poster with my picture right next to it. There was, however, an enormous cost that resulted from that choice of mine that cannot be undone because yesterday will always be. In that quest to save Ryan, I created betrayal between he and Ashlee as well as the two of them and myself. It also left Taylor with an impression that if she did something wrong, that I could send her away as well. Unfortunately it never occurred to me that there were would be any consequences or fall out from my actions. I was behaving just like Ryan even though I believed my warfare was justifiable; any casualties would be minimal as well as acceptable. Ultimately that destruction only delayed the inevitable because an over-dose would not be denied in the future for Ryan. I, for years, refused to see how any of my children had been effected because I was sure I had been right. Every time they tried to speak about it, I had a justifiable answer. My emotional definitions, particularly as a mom, made it seem as if it had been okay; not unlike an illusion of perfection. I was never able to find beauty, though, in those rebuttals nor in saying them louder and the results was that my children never felt heard. Negative behaviors, even unrealized ones, can create victims that then can become monsters; I, as well as my children, have been both.
I put a lot of effort into finding the rehab that Ryan attended in another state; the first time by force and the second time by choice. I loved what they had to offer as far as being an outdoor environment and the therapeutic/psychological support that they provided. Most of all I looked for a program that I strongly felt would connect with Ryan in order to discover what was needed by him to ensure his sobriety. Addiction, for the majority of people, is a forever hell where falling off the cliff can occur in a simple moment or through a pattern; no matter how long sobriety has been achieved for. Relapses are a part of the ordeal because the sense of freedom found yesterday becomes the desire of today especially when an individual remains fractured. I say these things because I have been asked how I was able to make the decision on the facility that I had chosen for him. I have also been made aware that not all rehabs are created equally. Unfortunately no one can promise a success that will guarantee the permanent recovery of an addict because it is dependent on the individual addict’s state of being; what they feel on the inside and then express on the outside. No one decides or chooses to become an addict but everyone chooses to start something in order to fit in, run from something or BLAH. Addiction is a hell that involves many steps forward as well as backwards. It is the home of the brave because in it is where some of the strongest courage and most gut wrenching fear is found; whether an addict or not. Beauty does not lay in a system, or a purpose or even in the use of degradation of our fallen angels. Together we are powerful enough to change this by recognizing the individuality of each dependent person while helping them to love, hate, accept or change every single part that makes up their circle of heavell but never to deny them. We can perceive and learn from each other despite being in a solitary confinement. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do every day; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. No one, and I do mean no one, is doing this life thing without having hell in them or around them in some manner. It is the vulnerability of that as well as the acceptance of the real truth from the mirror that holds the ability to change the illusions of perfection that actually keep all of us in hell. Make the best decision possible, with the knowledge that you have today, that will help provide a connection for your addict that leads to the breathing in of brave; rather than the liberation that substances imply can be found within them. Yesterday will always be a part of us but today and tomorrow hold the power of beauty in both heaven and hell if we step towards it.
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