When a dream becomes a nightmare, it becomes impossible to see anything other than the dependency that has become the focus of that nightmare; especially in life or death situations. I have been as consumed by Ryan’s obsession as he has; almost to the detriment of everyone and everything else. The clear visual of addiction has a concreteness that is easier to hold as being solely responsible for hell but that is a green truth. We often focus on a piece or behavior as being the defining definition of someone or the only part that needs fixing. The real truth is no one is only one thing including addiction. Every single one of us is made up of heaven and hell. If we fail to accept, love, hate, work on or through all the other parts of us, the fracturing will open the door to unhappiness, the following of others, addiction and more. The controversary or the hell is the test of ourselves and our relationships to do this better by not accepting that one part is all that we are nor what others are. What part do others recognize in you? Is that part heaven or hell in their eyes? How do you feel about that piece? There was a beautiful, young woman in our lives that was an addict, a trauma (s) survivor, an artist, a liar, a daughter, a girlfriend, a rose and so much more on the circle of heavell. She had tried to speak of her pain, her traumas but found that those she spoke to did not feel as she did about those events. Her parts became fractured and as time passed, she accepted hell as the defining definition of herself as did everyone else. The appearance of that concreteness weighed heavily upon her which led to her choosing to end her life. To this day, I grieve for my part on the circle of heavell that failed to see all of her while she was alive but was able to find in her death. We lead angels to where they fall when we become obsessed with nightmares while failing to remember that they are dreams too; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same. We hide parts of ourselves in order to seek acceptance from our circles of heavell whether that is from ourselves or from others until we can no longer do so.
Someone reminded me recently that we can only do the best that we can. That is the truth as well as a justification for behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow. In everything we do from raising children, working, relationships, to BLAH, we have the opportunity each day to learn from our sins no matter how great they may be nor how small; the mirror knows the real truth about everyone. Often though we choose not to as we use denial, justification, and the illusion of perfection to hide our hell. While we have our own personal definitions about anything and everything in life, we cannot ignore the importance of others’ definitions as well. That dream who ended her life felt unheard as her feelings were continually corrected by the emotional definitions of others. The misery is that Ryan has felt the same way. There are too many to count that have repeated those same opinions to me over the years. Unfortunately I am guilty of having perpetuated that onto my children as well because after all, I am the adult and my feelings ruled. If the emotional responses of others are not validated despite the possible conflict with our own, how can anyone ever learn to cope well? When we hide our parts, we will seek confirmation where we can find it; sometimes in secret. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who appear to be good who fail to deal with ours and others little boxes of feelings. In my circle of heavell, there are non-believers who feel that everyone else has to do the right thing but they do not. The conflict lies in that we do not feel the same about children, family or even addiction. If I had followed them rather than myself, the results would have been the loss of Ryan. I am aware that they will never truly be of any help to him or to me and thus I do not expect anything from them. It’s has taken me a long time to be strong enough to look into the mirror in order to see that truth; not the green truth they would have others believe which is that Ryan and I, as well as his sisters, are the problem. They will never be familiar with the Ryan that the rest of us have loved and enjoyed over the years. For them he will always be and only be the part of him that is hell. They will never really know me either because of their justifications. I guess they are only able to do the best that they can. Sadly I saw that behavior in the family of that young woman who ended her hell as well as that police officer who told me to let Ryan go as he had his daughter all those years back. There is nothing that says you should be here. It’s up to you where you are and where you go on this path so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. This is hell and there is no easy way out. However, do not tell others what their emotional definitions are because that is in part why we are here. Treat others as you would have them treat you. I took a stand not just against drugs but against myself in order to find my child in the valley of the fallen angels. I do not get to choose to see or hear him when it is convenient. The loss of my poster child is far to great for me to accept the justification of any behavior including my own. Do what you feel is right today knowing that the price may be your dream. Courage and fear walk hand in hand no matter who you are. Lead with both of them if you are going to get out of this. Today is a good day for Ryan and we are both feeling courageous. Faith is always easy when the conflict or the hell is hidden or we are biting from the apple known as denial. If tomorrow changes, we will face that as well.
Now you see me now you don’t. Angels are lead to where they fall. Look in the mirror to find the real truth. One person’s dream might be another person’s nightmare. Hiding your hell does not make you good. Everyone has little boxes of feelings. The snake speaks and everyone denies that they listen. Courage and fear are your friends in hell. Seek and you shall find your path because you should be here is a green truth. Are you there drugs? It’s me a mother and I messed this up…
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