Knowing our values of the things that can be found on the inside and the outside of ourselves is not something that is easily seen; especially when those parts and moments hold what carries the weight of the world for us. Finding, then. the understanding, and not the excuse, of how and why we act and react in the manners that we do is equally difficult to discover. When we fall, stand and walk in circles we do so because of the anything and the everything that has come together within each of us; not as it has in someone else. What if you were to realize that the value that you, yourself, have given to every moment and part is what is holding its power over you; feeding the hell as well as illusions of perfection? In addiction, substances initially provide a cathartic relief; helping the user to feel powerful. Over time though, the real truth is that substances become stronger as the user’s voice is pushed further and further into the shadows. The same can also be said about our feelings; regardless of being an addict or not. Strong responses, especially those that involve pain, can at first supply the alleviation of the distress that we need but as those emotions continue to grow, we become weaker; as a part takes control of the whole. Can you accept that the loudest piece in you is a reflection of what is in need of understanding on the inside; but is not all that you are? In your matter of time, you are going to walk in circles with the people, places, things, “f” moments, parts and even the BLAH that you are feeling; until you are ready to see beyond the view that is in front of you. Here and there as you step, you may also fall again as well as feel those parts or substances getting louder once more; within you. In those moments, it’s all right; the beauty of you is that you can lay down in one part and stand up in the next one. That fear, also known as anger and hurt, is a powerful part of us; making us doubt our ability to go through. It is also the reason why our sometime warriors can only be found here and there; needed in hell and not in heaven. This is the perfect moment to love, hate, accept and change every part of you. I will just wait right here or even there while you feel the all of you. Take the hand of courage and that of fear and breathe in brave. Accept that you, as well as others, are not going to do this well in every moment; but tomorrow holds the hope that you will do this better than you did today.
I made the choice to leave town over the holidays as I just couldn’t be in the place that Ryan was no longer at. I knew I was going to feel sad but I also thought that a new place and new memories would make things all right. What I discovered, though, was that all those strong feelings came with me and were still expressed on the outside; as a reflection of the mess on the inside of me. Wherever we go, we will take every moment and every part with us whether we want to or not; its the how and the why we came to be. Fortunately Taylor and Ashlee were with me, as well as others, who were able to let me be as I needed to be; standing over me as I lay in my hell. One of the things that has been tearing at my heart for the past several months is that although I was with Ryan when he died, I didn’t get to say all of the things that I had wanted to; my final words to him in this life. During one of those very tearful discussions about him, Ashlee reminded me that he had always known how I felt; and that I also knew how he did. Those words, made up of my personal emotional definitions, didn’t need to be said because of that. She also said that if I had spoken them it would have caused Ryan to worry about me; and he was already suffering greatly in his “this fucking sucks” moment. Expressing the things that carry the weight of the world for us is important but the power of it can only be changed when we are ready to see the view beyond what is just before us. Otherwise that power will continue to grow in strength as it further weakens us. I hate being a mess at times, having “f” moments and the BLAH. I am fallen and I am standing. I am laughing until my stomach hurts while crying as I never ever have before in my life. I am me and as such I am the only one who can go through here and there; this is my trail. Heavenly expectations are a green truth as hell will always be close by in order to challenge you. It will never ask you if you are ready so be amazed when you fall, walk in circles and or stand; whether an addict or not. Here and there, step by step, a sometime warrior is navigating through a life that is so very heavell. You are the perfect person, as an essential part of the circle, to do this. Happy New Year. Love, Heavell.
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