At no time when my children were young did I ever feel fear for them. There were times when I was worried during illnesses or exchanges with my ex-husband but not fearful. At some point after the discovery of Ryan’s drug use, I became incredibly frightened. I had never felt so powerless as I did during that time. It was impossible to breathe everyday. It was impossible to be responsible for everything. After Ryan had overdosed and stayed on the ventilator for 15 days, I had moved from fear to acceptance of the end. When he had awaken, I had rejoiced. After his release from the hospital, Ryan was monitored by a physical therapist, saw the pulmonologist, and spent time with my dad. I had continued my job throughout the ordeal but had given notice about a month or so after Ryan came home. I was worried about him. The jubilation I had felt was ebbing away. The belief that his overdosing had scared him straight no longer felt like a reality. There wasn’t anything in particular that I could put my finger on but I had felt nervous. A week after I had become a housewife again, my husband encouraged me to take another job offered to me by a different company where his friend worked. I overrode those feelings of nervousness I had about Ryan and accepted that new position. It had meant being gone for many hours each day as well as balancing the life of my youngest. I had not needed that job. I do not know why my husband wanted me to take it or why I had accepted it. It was one of the biggest mistakes I made early on; not trusting my feelings instead of listening to someone else.
Several months later, Ryan had become ill and needed to have his tonsils removed immediately due to a serious infection. The surgery was scheduled for a Monday in September. After the surgery, the doctor had prescribed him antibiotics as well as pain pills, despite my objection. Ryan as an adult was able to choose to use them. We had argued in the car on the way home. I can still remember the anger on his face and my feelings of anger even though it was ten years ago. I had made him promise me not to use those pills unless he had too. I was still of the belief that my words carried more weight than his feelings or needs had. I had failed to recognize that if I was behaving as I had in the past then he was also likely doing the same thing. Some might say I was in denial but I had tended to repeat my normal all the while expecting a different outcome. By behaving that day as I had in the past, as well as everyone else, our decent into hell again was an assured event. I had never been powerful enough to prevent drug use. It had been the whole circle of heavell that had had the power but it was only Ashlee and I who were trying to stop it. By not being involved with Ryan through conversations and activities, the non-believers were as guilty of the failings as we supposedly were. It is easy to stand united at an intervention. It is easy to demand change. It is incredibly hard to actually show up and demonstrate to an addict that they are important. Even to this day, many non-believers will ask Ryan how he is but will never ask how he feels about something or what he thinks about anything. They never bother to make him a priority all the while showing up for others; leaving him with the sense that he does not matter. Not everyone is capable of fighting this fight but judgement has no place in this by those who do not actually do any work. I have heard non-believers speak of their anger over the fallen angel’s drug use however Ryan has not always been an addict and yet their behavior has always been the same. Why do some people fail to be accountable for their choices? Why do some people justify their behavior but do not believe anyone else is justified in theirs? Addiction is not convenient in the illusions of perfection.
Later that same day, I had left town with my husband and Taylor. I had not wanted to and yet I had to. I was scheduled for surgery the next morning in another city where I was donating a kidney to a friend. I had felt that fear creeping back into my heart as we drove away but I had pushed it aside because there was nothing that I could have done at that point. I was torn because I had felt my son needed me but I had made a promise to my friend and her family. Ashlee followed us a few hours later which had left Ryan on his own to recover with or without those pain pills.
Illusions of perfection are just illusions. The real truth and the green truth are not the same. Addicts are just like you. Welcome to hell. I will see you in the valley of the fallen angels. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. A dream became a nightmare then a dream and then a nightmare again. Little boxes of feelings. I scream, you scream, we all scream. To the non-believers. Behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, is why we are in hell. The tree brought down the forest. You can run but you cant hide because the mirror will find you.
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