For a long time I have told people that if someone cannot take you on your bad days then they do not get to have you on your good days. This was a reference to their being caught up in how they looked on any given day. There are days that we are happy with how we appear and days that we are not. We are, however, never perfect every minute of every day. If we spend our time being focused on the appearance of ourselves then we are participating in the illusions of perfection which is a green truth. I only more recently realized that that statement fits all of life. The real truth is that we are all a circle of heavell whether we are talking about our appearances, behaviors, personal definitions, choices or blah. We want to have it all and yet we are not willing to realize that that means having it all; heaven and hell. Failing to accept ourselves as wholes, by showing and celebrating only parts, leads to the fracturing of ourselves which makes us unhappy people who cannot cope. I have had an issue with allowing others, especially my children, to be unhappy which is part of the reason why we are here. I have realized that I wanted to only deal with or have, happy children with happy memories. Do as I say not as I do. It is amazing the amount of people who only acknowledge us or show up when we are being what they want or if it gives the appearance of being good. The problem is that it doesn’t show the real truth about them or even ourselves. I think of all the people who said we appeared to be this together family when in truth we definitely had issues. Some of the people in this family only focused on the hell of others while I tended to focus on only the heaven of them. Both of those positions are wrong in that it denies the whole and leads to fracturing. We do not know who someone is unless we know both the heaven and hell of that person; just as that person cannot know or accept their self if he or she only shows or acknowledges some of the parts. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people in a world of green truths. Some people appear to be or have only heaven while in reality they have it all as well. I am the best version of myself today with the hope that I will be even better, perhaps tomorrow, but it requires accepting or changing all or some of my parts while acknowledging the same for the people in my life. I do not, nor do they, get to choose only the parts that are heaven because all relationships require work; even the one with ourselves. We all fall down whether we are addicts or non-addicts. If we seek only heaven while hiding hell, we will stay fractured. Ryan’s addiction brought all of this to the front despite our heavenly expectations while pretending that the mirror did not exist. Someone asked me why would I ever write about what I have been through and learned. She was horrified that I would expose myself as well as others to being seen for what we are and what we have done rather than continue the illusions of perfection that we have been so good at appearing to be. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we could tomorrow, we are in part responsible for where angels fall and for the chains that continue to bind us as well as them to hell. You should be here not there but that requires courage and fear not denial and justification. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do; in all sorts of ways but especially in secret so that no one sees the real truth about them. Happiness is not found in appearances, parts, justification, denial or blah. Happiness is found in the whole of ourselves knowing that we are made up of heaven and hell. If you cannot take me on my bad days then you cannot have me on my good days because I am all of it not just parts of it. So are you and pretending otherwise will not change the real truth. It is not our ability to love or make love but our ability to face controversary together, that hell, that determines the success or failure of our relationships with others as well as ourselves. I am frustrated, saddened and accepting of the hell in me because that is how I came to be who I am. Through the illusions of perfection, I appear and have appeared to have it all. The real truth is now you see me, now you don’t because illusions imply only heaven. Having it all means heaven and hell; the full circle of heavell. By denying that, we will remain fractured, unhappy people instead of the happy people we can be. Addicts and non-addicts really are the same type of people standing on opposite sides focusing on only some of the parts. The remedy has always been in seeing, accepting and or changing those parts of ourselves that make our whole. My memories of Ryan prior to his addiction, are wonderful memories but they fail to see all of him rather than just the illusion of him. Today is not a good day for Ryan. I will show up for his hell because he deserves that and because I am strong enough to do so. Choosing not to is also an acceptable answer as long as I am accountable for my choice not him. You do not have to show up either. No one expects you to be that strong but we do expect that you own that choice rather than justify or deny your accountability for it. I think about all the people who failed to show up for Ryan in his life, which in truth includes me. None of it was a reflection of what he deserved but rather a reflection of who we were then and of those who still are that way today even after so many moments of almost losing him. Every dream matters whether mine or yours because having it all actually means HAVING IT ALL. Happy people accept and change their heavell with courage and fear but never denial or justification because those apples are the friend of the snake and he doesn’t want anyone to be happy.
Dear Ryan. This year has been filled with serious challenges that have been as daunting as your addiction. All of those parts make you who your are. Find your happiness not in the hell that others would have you believe or that you feel but in the whole where your heaven can lift up your hell. It is not enough for me to see and accept ALL of you. You must also do that for yourself otherwise those chains that bind will remain. You are a dream and a nightmare. So is everyone else despite their illusions of perfection. If you cannot stand today, be easy with yourself while accepting the hand of fear. Courage will reach out in time and you will breathe again. The remedy is in you and always has been.
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