It’s easy to find just the heaven or even just the hell of any moment or BLAH through our perceptions of each but it is not that simple to see both in every situation. When heaven is experienced, we can effortlessly be happy and if its the opposite we then can focus on the harm or the pain. Every piece of ourselves as well as those moments contains the chance to understand, learn from and or appreciate more than just what is easily seen or felt. Our personal emotional definitions can and do limit our ability to see the full circle of heavell; especially when life brings more than we can bear. I found myself being unable to hear or even understand Ryan during those times when we had worked on the issues between us; “When you do this I feel this…”. I was sure that I had been justified in my behaviors, those actions and reactions, while he did as well about his own. We stood on opposite sides believing that the other one was wrong or only the hell; which was a green truth. In the face of addiction, it is tangible to believe that the coping through substances is wrong but unfortunately it has and never will be that uncomplicated. I fought that knowledge for years through the belief that if Ryan would just stop using or if drugs were entirely unavailable, that all would return to my heavenly expectations. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside and as such where there is a will, a need, there will always be a way. Some behaviors, such as substance abuse, are obviously detrimental to one’s wellbeing whereas other ones can be harder to see as well as to comprehend. The hell of Ryan’s addiction was that it all but destroyed a tree who basically then brought down the whole forest. The heaven of it, quite simply, is that his dependency ushered in the mirror that showed all of the truth that had been so easily denied or justified; especially when stated by him as an addict. The “f” moments appeared to be understandable but they still brought hell to the lives of others as perceived by the holder of those feelings. Someone told me that a friend had left her feeling abandoned after the relationship had ended years ago; a trauma that carried the weight of the world. It took sometime for me to perceive that it was I who had been the conveyor of that pain. I had not understood the affects of my actions/reactions on her because its always easier to know our feelings than it is to try and grasp those of someone else; we did not feel the same about that situation. The details do not matter but the end results was that hell had been breathed into the heart of that person despite that not having been my intentions. Her feelings are of significance because they are a part of who she is and how she became that person; just as I am who I am and Ryan is who he is. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you deny the BLAH? Do you think you are only heaven or hell; whether an addict or not? Do you justify your behaviors or even deny them? While we are not responsible for what someone does on the inside with what we do on the outside, we cannot ignore our ability to lift up and or to destroy others; as well as ourselves. A hug can lift the weight of the world just as easily as words can chain someone to hell. Tricks are not just for drugs but are also a part of those apples known as judgement, denial and justification that play a role in how we feel on the inside and then express it on the outside; whether an addict or not. Happy people do not alter their state of being through substances, people, places, things and the BLAH but unhappy people do every day; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. If we look for or only want the heaven or even the appearance of it, we are fracturing ourselves because the real truth is that we do have it all. Relationships, people, moments and the BLAH are complicated because of those personal emotional definitions; that came together while being affected by all the circles of heavell that have influenced them in life. Beauty hides in the shadows right next to all of those moments, the traumas and even the BLAH that we cannot possibly know; unless they are said and listened to without those apples. Life has a no return policy because what has been done cannot be undone but hope is waiting in today and in the tomorrows. Have you got heavell and are you ready to see you?
The Apples are words with definitions, whether dictionary or emotional, that bring a connection as well as an empowerment to those who belong to the group that agrees; the heaven. The use of them, however, also brings to an end the ability to learn from every moment or the BLAH about ourselves and or others; which is the hell. Even if we do the same thing or have a similar behavior, we cast a verdict through those apples that a behavior, an action or reaction, is completely wrong from someone else but ours is understandable. The apples can and do encourage only doing the right thing when and if others do it first. Those words also lead to the behaviors that prevent us from learning what hell is meant to be; a place to discover all that has come together that makes us who we are. Hell will never be that far away because it is where the lessons are. It’s up to you as to whether you are just in hell or if beauty can be found no matter where you are; you are your own guide. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other; but not if we use the apples. The significance of being an athlete or not, a good student or not, an adult or not, rich or poor, educated or not or BLAH is minimal in comparison to who you are as a person; what you feel on the inside and then what you do with that knowledge on the outside. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
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