If I were you, what would I see in the mirror? Would I find beauty, hell, a non-believer, an illusion, a mix of things or BLAH looking back at me? How do you surmise what others see of you? Would any or all of it be the green truth, the real truth or lies? People, places and things make up our world of everything and anything that encourages us to view what is in the mirror through the eyes of others rather than ourselves. What you think you see, influenced by others, then becomes what you believe of yourself; even if it only contains some of the parts of your circle of heavell. That recognition, which is found within our hearts, will then be expressed on the outside in heavenly and or hellish ways; further reducing the rest of the pieces of ourselves. We then project that same behavior onto others as if they are merely a part or only some parts. It was hard to accept Ryan’s addiction as being a segment of him because I wanted to only acknowledge the yesterdays. For others, it was as if his past had never existed once he developed the habit of using substances. Together we were all in denial over who he was as well as who he had become. The real truth was that he had always been a full circle of heavell but with only some of his parts being expressed on the outside. Often when we speak about our addict loved one, we will talk about only some of the segments of that person. We are also able to easily speak of the harm and the fear that has befallen ourselves as substance abuse became the life of our loved one. Those descriptions however are limited in the view of all that has been for that addict as well as what his or her coping capabilities have been through out life. What we believe to be heaven and or hell, or parts there of, is often not the same as the dependent individual. If our concepts are not equivalent about these things, then it would seem that the most important perceptions would be that of addicts since it is they who fell into hell. No one plans on becoming an addict or even raising one for that matter and yet it happens every day because of the circle of heavell within an individual as well as the ones on the outside. People, places, things, the snake, substances, the apples and the BLAH thrive on the withering, hiding and ignoring of some parts rather than the equal treatment of all of them. We are each so many things in life and the knowledge of the everything and the anything is needed in order to help the addict individual as well as ourselves become whole. If I were you then, I would say that I am what?
Problems, the pain and the perspective of them is relative to those who are living them as well as carrying them in their hearts. Through our point of view, we then become believers and non-believers depending on the situation(s) and our role. Addiction suits the apple of justification by the focusing on that part of an individual as being all that they are, were or will ever be despite that being a green truth. Hell is never far away in the minds of addicts nor non-addicts because it has occurred throughout so many yesterdays, it may occur today and or it could occur in the tomorrows. It seemed as if every time I thought we had this, that Ryan had this, the real truth would come to the front and we would be back at the start with a relapse. I believe there were times that those setbacks occurred because the fear of them and the proof of them became something I breathed so deeply into my heart; that which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside. The wounds of traumas can heal with hope and bravery but fester if they are opened again and again in hell. Both Ryan and I can say that neither of us were sorry for how we coped at the time with the knowledge that we had in those yesterdays. Habits, behaviors, emotional definitions, traumas, coping and BLAH are incredibly hard to become aware of, let alone change and heal, whether you are an addict or not. I had found that he reacted to life repeatedly in the same manner and that I had as well. By behaving today, as we had yesterday, as we were likely to tomorrow, we both got exactly the same thing despite expecting something different. Neither of us viewed or felt the same about his addiction or how it came to be which created an imbalance in the circle of heavell of recovery. His perception was detrimental to him and as such he needed me to be aware of him in order for him to hear me. I had to recognize all that had been, including the “f” stages, in order to find beauty in hell but more importantly to lead the way for Ryan to do the same. It is hard to hold on to what was, the yesterdays, while expecting or hoping to move forward into the tomorrows. I am not the same person that I had been in the past even though it is a part of the foundation of how I came to be; while holding the hand of fear as well as that of courage. Ryan is also not the same individual as he continues to discover, lets go of, or adds as he goes through all the stages of finding his beauty. When you look in the mirror, it shows you both the heaven and the hell of every moment. What you see and then say to yourself is what you become. What is felt on the inside will be expressed on the outside and also shared with others. Yesterday belongs only as merely a part and not as the sole definer of the only thing you have been or will be. The future holds the possibility of adding to your personal circle of heavell but today you are the perfect person to love all of you. If I were you, I would say that I am what in heaven? In hell? Pick your own weeds and water your own flowers so that the balance is found in your whole and beauty is wherever you are. Hell will never be that far away but neither will heaven because we are a circle of heavell. As you go through, the anything and the everything, you have the ability to use time to heal the bitter moments and to breathe in the parts that have been lost, forgotten or denied. Wherever you go and whatever you do you will always just be, so what will you do with the knowledge of you found on the inside and expressed on the outside?
Recent Comments