From The List #196

In your collection of things, what items do you believe define you best? What can be found there as well that enumerates your moments of defeat? Which of those inventories then feels like the bigger deal for you? Part of what breathes within us is not just the moments that happen but the value that is placed on how we encountered those experiences and then hold the resulting feelings. When we communicate what we are going through it is because we need to be heard but it isn’t easy for that to occur because of the place that we are at or the one where others are. Let’s start with just some of the emotions that come from the list of reactions that occur as a response to substance use. If you are on the outside as the loved one of an addict fear as well as it’s loud voice of anger mixed with that deeply held connection that lives in your heart are probably the strongest of your feelings. If you are even further out on the circle as perhaps someone who deals with and or is affected by substance use in a different way, you might feel frustration as well as a distance from addicts and their loved ones. If those two individuals have separate emotional responses based on what substance use means for each, how can they converse, to say and to hear, in a manner that helps the situation rather than feeds the hell? Or how about the interaction between an addict and his or her loved ones? Or any situation in any kind of life in which what we feel is in contrast with the emotional definitions of others? What’s there are our very own personal details of every term that has been defined by our encounters. Because of those individual series of movements, we act and react based on those hidden particulars whether others are able to perceive of the causes or not. Communication and change that stays, then, needs the kindness of understanding that allows us to recognize that being separate does not mean it is impossible for us to also be together. Take a moment and think about a situation in which there is conflict between you and an individual. What do you want from that person? Do you give the very thing that you are asking for? When I think back to the yesterdays, Ryan’s and my connections were really one sided stories fed by pain and fear that sometimes were expressed with anger. Our ability to hear had been limited by our listening to only what we wanted to and then placing values that had to do with ourselves rather than what was within the other. It was a whole lot of walking in circles that continued to feed the very hell we wanted out of for far longer than it ever should have but then isn’t that what happens when we are in the midst of it? So now think about how you have felt when someone has implied that what is a big deal for you is really just a small thing. Who do you believe should decide the value of what you are holding? Why is that? In other words, if we know that people, places and things, especially substances, can’t fix what is breathing on the inside, then the significance of it can’t be decided on the outside of us either if we hope to change it where it lives. Just acknowledging that pain hurts and makes messes no matter where or how it can be found is a step towards showing up for ourselves but also eventually for others. After all, what is hidden will be illuminated in all sorts of ways until it is actually heard and then transformed. This is me and it starts with forgiving myself for the fact and the opinion that my communication with others was really a one sided story; also known as a limited view. The regret and grief, another particular hell, that comes from understanding that has been a part of facilitating change which included moments of “I am sorry” but more importantly stepping towards doing this differently even when not perfect. Is it possible for you to imagine then how Ryan’s addiction helped me to find myself even though I never realized I was lost to begin with until he fell? Or how those painful weeds were far more important in our being located and the creation of our sometime warriors than flowers could ever be? In a different and yet very real truth, strength can be located in what appears to only be weakness and beauty loves the chaos as both are really the moments before we begin to understand ourselves. From the list within you, be honest or talk straight to yourself and grab those tissues for the weight of the world and the things that make your stomach hurt from laughing. Breathe as only you can while knowing it is perfectly all right to not always handle well the things that are a big deal until you are ready to lean in to hear them. Oh hell I still get lost and fall down because that’s what happens when we are in the midst of a so very heavell life. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell