In life, we act and react based upon our emotional definitions of words that each of us has developed and not by the dictionary definitions of those words. Dictionary definitions create a common theme for people to understand but do not take into account individual pain, happiness, indifference or NORMALCY. When we speak, we speak with our personal words and because of that we can’t solve this based on a “one size fits all”. There certainly are common themes or common behaviors but we gravitate towards the “group(s)” that we connect to emotionally. If you are in pain, you will gravitate towards the group that understands that and has a cure for that, including the use of altering substances. Misery loves lots of company. If you are a desperate parent, you are vulnerable to those who have “the answer” even if that answer hasn’t evolved since the beginning. That’s not a win. That is a delay of game with a loss or multiple losses being a part of the future.
Heading to my son’s court date, knowing that the judge and prosecutor were unaware that my son was out of state at a rehab, was nerve racking. I am sure that a part of me was defiant. Again Ryan and I paralleled a lot. He had needed to go but he fought to the bitter end and I was forcefully determined that he was leaving. Opposites but parallel. Equals that stood across from each other reacting with our own emotional definitions. Both believing we were in the right. Would the judge and prosecutor understand that? Only if they too had a child that became a drug addict. Only if they too had the same reaction as I did. Only if their knowledge included emotional pain and not just definitions of words and laws.
The reaction on the judge’s face as he realized that I had sent Ryan away was more descriptive than any words he spoke. He went from what I assumed was his normal court expression, to surprise, to anger and back to surprise in a matter of seconds. He just kept looking back and forth between Ryan’s lawyers, the prosecutor and myself. It was as if he was waiting for one of us to say it was “just a joke”. When he finally spoke, he asked me “Why I had not just brought Ryan in so that he could have ordered him to rehab?” I was not sure how I would have done that because time was of the essence in getting him away. It was about saving him but years later I realized it was about saving me too. My response to the judge was “Outpatient treatment was not working and he was going to die if I did not do something drastic.” That was the truth. He was going to die…just not that time. I also think there was a part of me that thought being in trouble with the law had not affected Ryan as strongly as it should have. Removing him would keep him from using drugs and being away would give him the clarity he needed. How could anyone argue against that? How could anyone be mad at that? It made complete sense to me but of course I was the one feeling it.
The judge and the prosecutor dealt with what was before them and that was my parenting. The prosecutor was aware of my ex-husband and his drug use so the lecture was about how I should have never allowed my son to be around him. Now let me say that my ex and I are friends today but not at all back then. We interacted because we had children together but we did not teamwork on parenting. I relied upon his wife to tell me the truth about my ex’s drug use, which occurred more via binges, and I thought she was. Once I realized he was using drugs when my kids were around, I tried to stop their visitations. During our court hearings, my ex and his wife spoke their truth which was opposing to my truth. They had sold the courts a better story because the end results was I was assigned a “probation officer” who monitored me, to ensure I sent my kids. So here I was in court being berated for sending Ryan to him even though I had not chosen to do that. Ironically, Ryan was now almost an adult and it was too late for any court to say he shouldn’t see his father. I was not powerful enough to stop the visits, then nor now. If only that child custody court had listened to me, way back when, perhaps we wouldn’t have reached this point. Deep down inside I felt that court had failed my kids and I didn’t trust the current one to do this any better. Subconsciously that played a role in my removing Ryan without approval. I can see that today.
The only thing left for the judge and the prosecutor to agree on was Ryan’s punishment. The judge ordered that Ryan would need to stay at the outpatient treatment program until his 18th birthday. I assured them that he would. I secretly hoped he would stay well beyond his birthday because he needed it. The whole family did. I left court with Ryan’s lawyers. Outside in the hallway I asked “How was I supposed to get him here?”. I felt so angry about everything. I wasn’t the one who made him go to his dad’s. I wasn’t the one who exposed him to drugs nor lied about it. Why was I constantly being blamed? When did I become responsible for everyone’s actions and reactions? His lawyers’ simple response was “You did what you had to do in order to save him”.
I certainly believed back then that I had but today is a different day. Today I have so much more knowledge about Ryan my son and Ryan the addict, as well as myself as a person and reconfiguring mother of an addict/non-addicts. How did my emotional definitions of words play against and with Ryan’s emotional definitions of words? How did they affect my other children and their emotional definitions? How did every single person who crossed Ryan’s life affect or infect him with theirs through their actions and lack of actions? Why is it so critical that we understand that there is no “one size fits all” answer because of those defining, emotional definitions that affect our ability to speak, hear and learn especially when it involves trauma?
In Ryan’s life there is one sibling who is linked to him by having the same parents and by surviving traumas together. Each of them feels the pain of the other and has their own. They were the best of friends that became divided when coping with their suffering took each of them down a different path. One more destructive than the other but both an expression of untold and unheard pain and guilt. Lots and lots of pain and guilt. Ryan coped by using drugs and Ashlee coped by…
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