Field Of View #187

How we carry our weeds says more about the place that we are at on the inside than the actual number of “f” moments that have been a part of our kind of lives or even the flowers that have been gathered along the way as well. It has always been far easier for us to have a distorted belief of those items even though the fact is that all things are in the process of becoming something else. That matter of time and the effort that it takes for each to do so is often not what we hope for and because of that it effects our understanding and opinion that backwards and non-motion play a role in a series of movements towards transformation. So which part of a “fall” or “failed” moment is holding you back: it’s actual occurrence or how it now safely exists within you? Is it just one more thing that comfortably implies that you are impossible through your field of view? In other words, are you believing in it’s importance as a sign of your weakness so much so that it has become home for you? How difficult is it, then, to implement change when the place that needs you most has already decided that evolving is unobtainable because of what’s breathing there? Over those years of Ryan’s substance use there were so many times that I thought the words “I can’t do this” in my mind but more importantly was how strongly I felt them in my heart as an unrealized expression of my fear. Not knowing what to do or not being able to breathe and step when there is a mess is an appropriate response but that understanding does not quiet the loud voices of failure and impossible adding to what is already being dealt with. I know that in the yesterdays Ryan felt exactly as I did, together, even though we held different positions in his addiction, not together. After all, both confusion and doubt lead to our walking in circles for far longer than we should because of the uncertainty that can be found in this so very heavell life and ourselves. Even those who have felt strong and sure of themselves can find that when in chaos, the door to their strength is no longer open or useable and the unfamiliar and uncomfortable one of weakness is like a gaping hole in the place that needs them most. This has been me and this has also been Ryan which led to even more bewilderment and meandering as we wondered how we found ourselves in the hell of addiction and why we couldn’t get out of it with just our strength. The answer was hidden in our weeds rather than any flowers that we had but our distorted field of view made it appear to be otherwise. So how are you feeling? Are you safe with you or are the things that hurt home within you instead? Why is that? Whether you are faced with a choice, a chance or a crisis, going through requires the use of all of you but especially those weeds. In a different truth, but still a very real one, those things are a part of the series of movements before you gain a step towards understanding that your trail and beauty holds unexpected turns, falls, rises and a whole lot of meandering. That is an easy and simple statement for anyone to say about “this is life” but what’s not there are the details of how complicated, difficult and even painful it really can be to navigate it especially while also carrying the weight of the world. The value of that lives within the beholder of it all not as a fact or opinion found on the outside. Go farther on the inside of you because there is laughter there despite your field of view that only sees weakness and failure. You can either illuminate what needs to be yourself or it can throw light on you in ways that you never ever wished for because tricks are not just for substances but can also be found in the things that hurt as well as any distorted field of view. Have the best day possible for you as you open the door to remembering that being home or safe starts within you and what you define there. Oh hell just give yourself a moment to breathe because without the presence of weeds we, as well as all that makes us who we are as individuals, would become the real definition of impossible when our abilities to turn them into something else is no longer a possibility. In the field of view, that would appear to be a far bigger “f” moment than anything we already carry unless of course you are comfortable with believing that the objects in the mirror will continue to define who you are and not in a fabulous way. Love Always, Heavell.