I was recently asked to talk about Ryan’s win against addiction; to explain the moments, the steps and the BLAH. My reaction was to ask how I could talk about his achievement, or the heaven, when I am enduring such a loss, or the hell? After all what does it matter if addiction no longer lived through him when the end results of those yesterdays was a shortened life; because what had been done could not be undone? My friend, advisor and IT person, Kenny, reminded me that I have to treat the heaven and the hell equally; as they are both found on the inside as well as the outside of us. The moments when my own words are placed in front of me are reminders of how easy it is to step off the trail, to walk in circles, when we are suffering in hell; no matter who we are or what has happened. It is always easier to know what should be done and felt when the moments belong to someone else; but living in it can leave a person feeling alone while being in a room full of people. Beauty can be found no matter where we are but seeking it can be challenging and painful. The hardest part has been to remember that especially since I have not been in that place in my heart; nor have I wanted to be. I never imagined that I would rather have him here in the throngs of addiction than gone forever; not knowing if I should laugh or cry or both at the thought of that. Sometimes we are so determined to find the cure, that we fail to realize that there can be a new hell waiting in the shadows for us; arriving whether we want it to or not and most often when we least expect it. The yesterdays, as well as the love and the pain, will always be with us as a part of how we came to be; it is within us whether that energy is used to lift us up or to destroy us. Through everything lost and won in Ryan’s addiction, a sometime warrior was created who stood and fell many times over his significant life; grateful in the end for the lessons learned. Every dream matters whether here or not because through them, we all have the ability to seek and find the knowledge necessary to not continue to repeat the yesterdays while hoping that tomorrow will be different; whether an addict or not.
Addiction is the conflict and sobriety is the win but that understanding is a green truth in its simplicity. The real truth is that located within those two things are many levels of the struggles and the victories that are a part of the circle of heavell; that substance abuse is. Because of all that has been, when there are “f” moments and or the BLAH, it is easy for those little boxes of feelings to rush from the shadows; in order to be felt once again in the heart of the beholder. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside as a reflection of what is still in need of being dealt with; whether an addict or not. It requires little effort for that fear to take over, as courage flees into the darkness, when hell makes an appearance; whether we have been here before or not. Every time Ryan found his moments of sobriety, he had to live through my relapses of fear; the ones that carried the weight of the world for me and then shared with him. Even when someone is doing the right thing, fear can make us doubt the real truth of it. Our words and feelings have the ability to lift up and or to destroy others with our actions and reactions; the apple known as justification feeds the hell. So what if today is an “f” one? It does not mean that tomorrow or even the next one has to be one as well but the prevention of it requires treating the heaven and the hell equally in all of us; regardless of being an addict or not. One single part of Ryan’s success was found in our understanding that both he and I were definitely going to have relapses, falls, in our behaviors on the trail in hell; even when it was detrimental to our own or the other’s wellbeing. When he was not able to be strong, I was and when I couldn’t be, he was the one who stood. There were also moments when neither of us could be the heaven; but we relied upon the hope of tomorrow to help us find our way. We were also both sometime warriors although few ever realized or acknowledged that about him; it is easier to see it in me but it has never been that simple. What came first: the hell of substances or the hell of you? What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this differently by doing one part, on the trail of addiction, in a manner that you have never done before? What if you realized that just because there is hell on the inside as well as the outside, it does not mean that heaven does not live and breathe there as well? The real truth can never be altered by the apple known as denial. Every moment in life contains the anything and the everything that we as the heavell keepers of our lives can choose to see, feel and learn from; or not. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Is that the real truth or the green truth? Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers because everything lost and won is yours to have and to hold as the pieces that have helped to create who you are; whether you want them or not. If today is an “f” one, then go to that place in your heart where heaven lives and breathe in those moments as well; using those parts to help lift up the hell ones. I’m not it because you have always been the perfect person to be and bring heavell.
Ryan would have turned 31 years old this week. Several of us honored him by hitting the streets in a few states where we handed out gift cards for a particular fast food restaurant or had a meal together. In the darkness of his being gone, light was found in the continuation of Ryan’s generosity towards others who were in need; bringing another win to him and for us despite the loss. Ryan existed in so many moments as a circle of heavell who affected our circles of heavell; only some of which involved his addiction. We will take him with us when we eventually stand and then step forward. The beauty of this new hell is that he taught us, and is still teaching us, to be grateful for the lessons; even the painful ones. We will need that knowledge to face whatever will be in the tomorrows. It’s been a wonderful life filled with love, “f” moments, pain, fear, courage and the BLAH; the appearance of solely heaven lives only in those who are illusions of perfection. He led us to where we fell; as well as lifted us up. Thank you for holding the mirror my love; the real truth hurt but helped to create the sometime warriors that we have become. We never gave up on you just as you never gave up on us. This still “fucking sucks” but we are going to be alright; just not in your being gone. Happy Birthday. See you. Love Mom, Ashlee and Taylor
Recent Comments