A dream begins once a child is born. Sometimes a dream’s life is planned for him or her. At other times the details are made along the way. Every person on the circle of heavell has a moment or a quantum of moments that affects the dream positively or negatively. That dream has its own need to be who he or she is that develops as the dream grows. Conflict can occur if the dream and the parents or others disagree. It is not our ability to love that determines the outcome of a relationship. It is our ability to face conflict together and separately that makes or breaks all relationships; even those with our dreams. Are you who you wanted to be? Is your dream who he or she wants to be? How was every little or big conflict handled? We lead angels, our dreams, to where they fall. I know a young father who stated before his child was born, that his dream would not play soccer once he or she was old enough. He does not like soccer nor the amount of time that parents put into their dreams playing it. So began his determination for his dream to be who he wants not actually who the dream is. Conflict before a dream has arrived; a determination to affect negatively. Dreams are wonderful and perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. Loving them means seeing them as well as hearing them; inconvenience as well as conflict is a part of having dreams.
There is a young dream who spends time at his mom’s house and his father’s house; there are step-parents. In one household he is ignored. In the other household he is treated as if he is the “bad angel”. Because of the very personal emotional definitions that each of the adults in his life have, their ability to cope is non-existent leaving that dream to pay for their sins. As that child, that tree, grows his behavior will reflect exactly the effort of the forest; ALL of the parents and step-parents. It matters not how these parents look, live or what they have. Education nor position nor religion nor money or the lack of does not change how parents affect dreams if they are not capable of bringing their best on the circle of heavell. Nor will those things prevent any of those parents from blaming that dream because he can’t cope; despite the fact that they taught him that. They will not look in the mirror and they will justify their behavior. Behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is exactly why we are here. Over time that tree will fall. He will become a part of the valley of the fallen angels. The green truth is he will fail to do as they said. The real truth is he will do exactly what they have done. Tricks are not just for drugs. They are for all those who lack accountability on the circle of heavell. I will never forget the statement by Ryan’s lawyer in reference to “my house”: ” You don’t do drugs. You are a nice family”. It was easy for me to feel vindicated in that statement. The mirror, however, was not going to allow that green truth to be believed. Ryan fell because we ALL failed him; his parents and his step-parents. Appearing to be “good” does not remove the failings or sins of anyone; nor does it justify the blaming of others. Some people just make it easy for others to appear to be good. That young dream moving back and forth between those two homes is a victim; more than likely he will become a monster. My heart hurts for that dream, that poster child because the circle of heavell has sent him to hell. If we are going to hold that dream accountable for his fall in life then each of his parents must be held accountable for leading him there.
Ryan has been on the ventilator for 15 days. People who overdose, that end up on a ventilator, should be able to breathe on their own 1 or 2 or 3 days later. “This was bad”. He was alive because a machine was keeping him alive. He was stable and there was nothing more that could have been done for him in that ICU room. I had whispered to him to let go but he hadn’t. The doctors had told me that I needed to arrange for a long term care facility to take over his continued care. A peg needed to be placed in Ryan’s stomach so that the feeding tube in his nose could be removed. I made that call outside of his room after I had gone home to change for work. I remember feeling pleased that I had found a facility that I thought would take “good” care of Ryan. I cannot tell you what that feeling of being pleased meant. He had been frozen in time but I was going to have to go on. Afterwards I had stood outside of that doorway listening to the hum of the machines. My mind was thinking about how Ryan would have felt about being alive in that manner. He was not going to ever breathe on his own again. I had made the decision that 6 months to a year would be a reasonable amount of time to keep him in that state. I had not consulted his father nor either of his step-parents. Why? I had the belief that if you do not do the work then you have no opinion. I was the one who had always shown up. I had been the one at all those soccer, football, basketball and baseball games. I had been in the audience as he had received his awards at school for being an outstanding student. I had screamed the loudest for him. It was also me who had been held accountable by the others for his fall. At that moment I had not trusted that his other parents would have wanted to do what was best for Ryan; their past behaviors had led me to that thought. Ryan and I were very much the same. We both had felt failed by the other parents even though at the time I had failed to realize my role too. I had stepped into that room, looking first at my father, then the doctor and finally resting my eyes on Ryan…
You can run but you can’t hide from the mirror. Appearing to be good does NOT make you good. We all lead angels to where they fall. The snake speaks. We listen and agree. It’s your fault not mine. Tricks are not just for drugs. To all the non-believers. Denial is your friend so is the lack of accountability. Everybody’s dream matters. Stop behaving today as you did yesterday as you will tomorrow. For YOUR sins. He is my poster child. MINE. Victims do become monsters. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. Welcome to the valley of fallen angels. I am your guide in hell. Death has come to claim another soul. When you breathe I breathe. Little boxes of feelings. Are you there drugs? It’s me a mother.
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