It is not our ability to love or to have fun but our ability to face adversity together and separately that determines our successes or failures; whether an addict or not. Over this past year or so, Ryan has had a lot of health problems that have required hospitalization. Those moments from the yesterdays where he lived and breathed drugs have seemed so far away for us but in reality have not been for his body. Hell is always close by because life is never just heaven; unless of course you are an illusion of perfection. The week before Mother’s Day weekend, Ryan went to the mountains on his annual fishing trip; with a favorite uncle of his. On the very first day that he was there, a Monday, he felt his breathing was difficult but reassured me he was fine; he had this. By Thursday it was apparent that he was not okay so his uncle planned on returning home early on Friday morning. Ryan, however, was unresponsive in the morning and paramedics were called. He was placed on life support and airlifted to a hospital in Tucson in a very critical state.
In an all to common behavior of those who deal medically with addicts or even former addicts, judgements came rolling in; as well as the belief that I am in denial as his mother. The reality is that when Ryan had over-dosed at 18 years of age, he had defied the odds by surviving; however he did so with serious damage to his lungs. I had the choice of feeding the hell by reacting to the words and behaviors of those medical professionals or I could feed the heaven by calmly explaining Ryan’s history. We often fail to see and act to the best of our abilities when we feed the hell. I, however, do understand the intense passion that’s felt as it pertains to addiction and the devastation it brings; having spent many years in that place myself. Ryan has been diagnosed with ARDS: which is a wet lung disease that’s being complicated by the moments from the yesterdays. At this point he is still critical, remains on life support but is currently making progress; it’s day 12.
I ask of you, whether an addict or not, that in a moment like this, you choose to do this in a manner that is different then you have ever done before. Please stop feeding the hell on the inside of yourself as well as the outside of yourself. You cannot live to the best of your abilities, nor face the adversities of life, if you do not treat the heaven as well as the hell equally; a part can never equal a whole. Hell will never be that far away because it’s the friend of heaven. Through them both we become fallen angels as well as rise to become the sometime warriors; we have always been circles of heavell. Every dream matters, whether here or not, because without them, we wouldn’t be who we are today, yesterday and even in the tomorrows. I’ve been here before many years ago and just like then, hope is still a part of every moment; even if I am holding the hand of fear while trying to breathe in brave. See you soon. Love Heavell.
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