Life, hell, heaven, addiction and everything in between is subjective in the hearts of the beholders; coming together in a variety of ways in each individual. Have you thought about what those words mean to you? How would you describe them; as they pertain to you? Do the others in your life feel the same way? It has been said that as Ryan’s mother I am suffering the greatest loss from his death. It is the real truth that being without him is catastrophic in my life. It is, however, a green truth that my loss is greater than anyone else who has been affected by his passing. Each of us have held and still hold our personal relationships with him that will forever just be; as a part of who we are and who he was. In spite of the differences, the individuals and the moments, the value of each union is found in what was shared; the love, the pain, the “f” moments and even the BLAH. The same can also be said about all of our parts and connections as it pertains to the worth of each of them; on the inside of us as well as the outside. The hell of some of it may be what feels the strongest but your superpower has always been to use the all of you; to help you be all right in the moments and parts that are not all right. Wherever I go, Ryan will always be with me as an essential piece of how I came to be; a circle of heavell rather than an illusion of perfection. In whatever place you are in, whether an addict or not, all of you will always just be there as well. Why is everything so very heavell? Because the real truth is that its what dreams, life and sobriety are made of; steps, falls, work, celebrations, lessons, feelings, the sometime warriors, teaching, suffering, heavenly expectations and the BLAHS. So there you are and here I am as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who do this well until we don’t; but then it’s merely a matter of time before we will do it well once again. What if you were to tell yourself “I am sorry”; for forgetting that you have always been so much more? Here’s to the mirror and all that can be seen there; especially the things that can help us to be all right.
What came first: the pain, the losses or the substance abuse? From my perspective, Ryan’s substance abuse came first; and my suffering followed. For Ryan, though, it was the pain that lead him to his fall. There are a variety of ways to reach the point of addiction, it’s distinct for each individual, just as there are diverse ways to lift up from it. What steps you take must work for you; regardless of others and especially the non-believers. However, what you do with the all of you can and does make the difference in a life that is so very heavell. So what if a part of you has been consumed by addiction; affecting the anything and the everything on the inside and the outside? There have been moments in my life in which my behaviors and feelings have affected others; perhaps even in devastating ways. Whether an addict or not, we can’t learn and step forward if we don’t perceive of the things that need to change; to be done better today than they had been in the yesterdays. We also can’t step on our trails if we only breathe in the things that can’t be undone, hurt or anger us. No matter who you are, sometimes things don’t go as we had hoped for; you shouldn’t be here and yet you are. Three days before Ryan died, he was breathing on his own; no longer in need of a machine to breathe in and out for him. I had started to believe, having and holding the hope, that he was actually going to come home; working to figure out how we were going to help him to transition in his recovery. In a matter of time that last day, just a very few hours, he developed a gastro bleed and died. The pain and the trauma of that night came out through me, over the first couple of months, in the form of anger; as well as laying down from the weight of the world in my heart. If you fall, then be in the moment by feeling what brought you to that point; it is never ever going to go away even with the use of substances or the apple known as denial. Be amazed by what it actually takes to do that to you. Then be loud in the all of you because you do have it all; a whole circle of heavell made up of a team of parts. As you and I are, we are what dreams are made of; one step, one fall, one breath, one part, one win at a time. My recovery from all of this will take time and so will yours. After all, the heaven moments and pieces are where we celebrate and breathe with ease but hell is where we find our strengths and weaknesses; whether we want to or not.
To Bethany; Thank you for your painting that we used for today’s blog. It has been in Ryan’s room for all of these years; as a reminder of what had been and what was lost through you. The two of you are together once again. Love you, Heavell
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