Could Have Been A Flower #195

If you had the opportunity to impart what you need to say, who would you communicate your words to? What would you want that person to know if you could do so without fear or it’s loud voice of anger? Would you be able to have a conversation or would that talk need to be broken down into a one sided story? Could that person do the same with you? Or what if you have had those interactions again and again with the hope that each could have been a flower but instead they ended up being just another “f” moment in your kind of life; and not a good one at that? When we are in a place of pain and fear, it often isn’t the best time to speak and to be heard even though it is exactly what we desire. Those exchanges are also complicated when the other person is hurting too or has a completely different view of the scenario. Ever notice how we say and do the same thing over and over while expecting a different outcome at the same time as believing that others are the ones who need to change but not ourselves? Once we are in that kind of cycle, we are far more interested in being able to convey what we think and feel than we are in recognizing that communication is more than the ability to voice what we are carrying. In the yesterdays, I was what would be considered a good listener which should have made any interactions easy especially with my loved ones. Actually, though, that was a weed because what I thought I was “hearing” was really the results of how words were defined for me through my experiences rather than the other person’s actual encounters. Some of the toughest lessons over the years of Ryan’s addiction involved the discovery that in order to be a part of changing our discussions, I couldn’t just be aware of, only value, my terms. I had to walk a lot, and I do mean a lot, of circles before I was finally able to perceive of that thanks in part to the help of some very persistent individuals who were not going to let me just be comfortable with what I felt and believed. The finding of that understanding was a part of how my son’s addiction eventually transformed into a superpower by pushing me to not only really see myself in the mirror but also Ryan, his sisters and others as well. Did I do all of this perfectly then or do I do so today? No because I still occasionally fall in my words and actions especially when I am having the best day possible for me which is not necessarily what others need or hope for. There is even a certain amount of grief, also known as regret, that shows up occasionally with the knowledge that it could have been a flower before rather than living the ride that we were but then change is never easy for anyone. So let’s start here with the fact and the opinion that not only is there a lot to say but that there is also much that needs to be heard; all of the perspectives not just our own. Although we cannot undo what has been done, what could have been a flower still can become one by understanding that what makes breathing difficult is different within each of us but all of it still hurts in the place that needs us most despite those details and experiences that separate us. In other words it is far easier to listen than it is to actually lean in to hear what is being said but just like the word communication, change needs more than just a part or an individual in order to stay. This is me and I forgive myself for living the ride in the manner that I did in the yesterdays while also holding close that there is a love that will continue to exist regardless of my falls and walking in circles because I have always been so much more than just those things. Somewhere in here you do understand me even if our particulars make communication seem impossible. What could have been a flower can be transformed into one today by what you do differently with the knowledge of you and your ride. After all that is the beauty and superpower of a so very heavell life where in a different truth what hurts is actually the moment before we step no matter the time it takes for us to do so. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell