The things that we feel on the inside and then express on the outside can make finding our way through hell especially challenging. Last week I spent sometime speaking with a friend, an addict, who was requesting my help. Unfortunately none of my thoughts on the ways that help or even change could be achieved resonated with this person; the scenario reminded me of past moments with Ryan. How frustrating can it be for both of us when our feelings do not connect because we each feel differently about the whole aspect of addiction? This dream specifically told me that he or she does not want to nor is willing to feel the pain in his or her life; that heaven is the only acceptable place to be. I could relate to those feelings because looking in the mirror was something I had been able to avoid for years by being an illusion of perfection. The knowledge of that unwillingness to face our own hells created a common ground between us that afforded the ability to perceive of each other; even if it occurred in a small manner. His or her escaping from the pain, the traumas, though, can result in an end to his or her life; whereas my avoidance does not. On the inside, where all the moments in life have come together, are the pieces that make this person who he or she is. It is the place where heavell lives; whether it is wanted or not. In the past, I have felt fear for this person because of his or her addiction. As time has passed, I am now in the position of feeling sadness for what has been lost; as well as what may never be found in the tomorrows. Every person who lives within or has been affected by hell can attest to not wanting to feel any of the pain. It is the reason why we hide some of the parts of ourselves; especially when life brings more than we can bear. In order to be whole, though, we must acknowledge every piece because they exist together; within our personal circle of heavell. By acknowledging the anything and the everything in our lives, we can learn from those moments; rather than deny that they exist. The reasons why anyone would only have heavenly expectations in life is not that hard to grasp; especially with it appearing to be the only acceptable place to be. As far as addiction or even the BLAH is concerned though, it is just not that simple. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
Substance abuse not only provides the avoidance of pain but it also imparts the false validation that the feelings of the user are indeed supported; it’s one of the promises that leads people to cope through the use of them. When the people in our lives find that needed connection through people, places, things, substances or the BLAH, it can feel like betrayal to us. I know that during Ryan’s drug use, I could not understand why he would have ever chosen them over us. I had not been able to understand the unity he felt with them through the cathartic relief that they had brought. The family of my friend cannot perceive of the attachment that he or she has for substances. They are however aligned in their feelings of betrayal that have resulted from their loved one’s addiction. My friend and his or her family stand on opposite sides believing that the other one is wrong, the hell, because they have not experienced substance abuse in the same manner. How difficult is it to speak with someone who has had a completely different encounter then you have; no matter what the subject is but especially in addiction? What has been done has become a part of each of us and denying that will not change the real truth. Each of us, whether an addict or not, can and do share in the commonality of living in or desiring what was in the yesterdays or in only having heavenly expectations; even if it’s detrimental to our wellbeing. What’s in your words that you say to yourself and others? Do you deny the BLAH? Each of us is more than just a dream or a nightmare and as such each of us has the ability to lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others. My friend wants to live life the way he or she desires regardless of the harm, the hell, that may occur to his or her self or even to others. Words, knowledge, anger, shaming or even pleading will not alter the behavior of someone unless that person feels the same connection or is able to truly seek change; addiction is not a choice that anyone aspires to. This family, as well as the addict, are only able to see the hell and with each passing day, heaven is becoming a memory that is hidden farther and farther in the shadows; even though they are all pretending to live in what appears to be the only acceptable place. Got heavell?
To my friend: I have known you through so much over so many years. You have perceived of the changes in me and as such have said you are proud of as well as happy for me; thank you. Life has brought more than you have been able to bear; I am sorry for that. Rather than seeking my help, it seemed as if you were looking for my approval to live your life the way you desire; you have already been doing that without my say so. The pain, the traumas, the “f” moments are not that simple and dealing with them will bring all of those feelings to where they can be seen as well as felt. You have been expressing those hidden parts on the outside through your substance abuse for years. I did not get where I am today by staying as an illusion of perfection nor by just having heavenly expectations; without having to deal with the hell. When you look in the mirror you see what? You are your guide and only you can go through while breathing in brave into your heart; not the words or the behaviors of others. Substances along with the apples known as denial and justification are not on the trail to heaven; even if the snake told you they were. You shouldn’t be here but you are. How is that working for you? Come along fallen angel because you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change all of you; denying the hell hasn’t worked yet. I hope you and your family pick your own weeds so that each of you may find beauty no matter where each of you are. Mirror, mirror just tell the truth. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not. See you soon my friend.
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