Promises are made that give rise to expectations that can at times never truly see the light of day. Whether the collapse of those failed assurances is because they were actually lies or whether they were filled with the possibilities that just couldn’t be, the results is the same in the hearts of those who wait for their fruition. The non-fulfillment of each of those commitments can bring the loss of hope until the next time when a new vow is made. With the discovery of each crushing blow, devastation that reaches to the core can make it impossible to breathe and anger can consume those who are faced with the disbelief of the real truth. They lead to the thought process that addicts will say and do anything in order to achieve whatever is necessary to obtain and then consume the object of their desires. Tricks are not just for substances but are for people, places and things. Our hope fuels every action taken that tomorrow will not be the same as today because we need it nay want it so very much; not unlike an addict wanting a substance. Ashlee told me recently that she can handle the loss of hope that occurs in the relapses of addiction as long as it’s not a surprise. If we know that relapses are a part of addiction, then the revelation of that deterioration is an expectation we just hope will never become the reality. The depletion of our yearnings has the ability to affect everyone on the circle of heavell as one part fails, a domino effect can occur for the remaining ones. The cycle of both dreaming of dreams and feeling fear because of those dreams becomes a trauma in that it lifts up and then stomps out our breath. Hope can seem foolish when reality speaks the truth the loudest but it is also where we find the beauty by breathing in brave. Whether an addict or not, hope is where we take the hand of courage as well that of fear and step forward in hell. Every glimpse of my poster child brought the reminder of what was, not as a prompting of all that had been lost but of that which must be found. How is it possible to survive the cycle of the promise of hope and the reality of devastation? Is hope, in part, the beautiful form of denial? There is only so much that a heart can take before hope is pushed down so deep inside that it is possible that it may never see the light of day again. Time then becomes another false promise in the face of relapse because it cannot ensure sobriety nor can it guarantee healing from the traumas.
Spending time with the children of addicts has brought an understanding of the highest level of devastation that results from the need and the love of substances, people, places, things or BLAH that wasn’t as clear for me prior to that. I was obviously aware of some of the affects because of my ex-husband but since his visits were sporadic, it had not carried the weight for me that it had actually deserved. I have a greater appreciation for the resilience of children as they breathe in hope with the magnitude of all that is possible; fed by their ability to love and to forgive despite devastation. With all the chaos that ensued from Ryan’s addiction, I had never noticed how much distress Ashlee had been in. In fact I had needed her to be my partner in trying to save Ryan rather than a person who was surviving being a wreckage herself. Today when she speaks of her father or her brother, her voice is as soft as it was when she was young and as fierce as the warrior that she has become through her time in hell. She is able to hold hope in her hand after having lost it when it was used to fill in the gaping wounds in her soul. When hopes have been dashed so many times over the course of a life, it can be hard not to feel foolish for even believing that tomorrow could ever be better than it has been today. I think of that young woman I met in Denver whose entire family are addicts and yet she is not. She is one of the beacons of hope that every angel does not fall just because of the traumas in their life or because of the normalcy of them. Her voice carried the acceptance of what has been done can never be undone with the easiness that is felt when determination keeps hope alive. Both Ashlee and this young woman convey the wreckage of addiction that has occurred in their lives through failure and conviction. Neither has held every moment perfectly but each has stood despite the challenges. They are each the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of their personal circle of heavell in order to be whole. Yesterday will always be and if they were to deny any of those parts, hope might not ever see the light of day which in itself would be a tragedy.
I can remember desperately trying to maintain hope despite the realities of Ryan as well as the influence of the non-believers. Without holding on to it, I would have given up a long time ago on him. It is easy to maintain faith when things are going as we wish but it is in hell where we learn to cope well by breathing in brave. I have felt such pain during all of this that it was impossible for me to stand; let alone even step forward in hell. Through all of this, my children have maintained hope in my abilities to stand and face the hell with the determination that yesterday will not be repeated today. I am and have been the “f” word. While we cannot give addicts their will to do this differently, we do carry the beacon in our hands that can and does lead the way. We are powerful enough to effect everyone on the circle of heavell by lifting up or destroying them as well as ourselves. It is possible to carry hope in our hearts while knowing what the real truth is; especially as it pertains to addiction. I no longer dream of Ryan or his father getting out of hell. My wish is that each of them are able to find beauty there so that each may be able to remain standing. They need to know how they feel about anything and everything because it is their emotional definitions that will help them to cope.The hard part in life is to love others knowing that they may fail to love themselves and in turn be unable to love us in the manner that we yearn for. Every dream matters whether they are here or not. Please stand by because hope makes heaven a possibility in hell.
To my Ashlee: Thank you for all that you are and all that you have been. You are my unsung hero. When you breathe, I breathe. I love you doll.
The dreaded “f” word seems to be synonymous with the words addict and addiction. Somehow it’s as if we have been conditioned to think less of those who have become one and those who raise them; especially if they use drugs. So what if I am the mother of an addict? I am, after all, a human being who has not necessarily known how to handle having it all; the heaven and the hell. Yes a part of the hell of me has been the “f” word; also known as fail, failed and failure. We can’t learn to do this better if we do not recognize the role our own mistakes have played; instead of pretending to be illusions of perfection. The other day a parent was upset about his or her child’s lying. I listened intently to all the things that this parent was hurt and frustrated by. I can remember how angry I felt every time I had discovered another lie from Ryan or anyone for that matter. If whatever someone is doing is alright, even acceptable, then why lie about it? Why not just put it on the table for all to see? There was a cycle of lies, frustrations, discoveries, actions, reactions and anger that led to the feeling of being trapped on a ferris wheel in a life that someone else seemed to be in control of. Tricks were not just for drugs but were for anyone who was hiding or denying a choice, a behavior, a BLAH. The problem with seeing others as the only ones with the failures, who need to change, is that it removes the part where we can learn to understand ourselves and each other better. That parent who was upset about the violations that his or her child was perpetuating, is someone who has and continues to lie. The whole do as I say and not as I do becomes an irony in the cycles of failing; where only some behaviors are seen as acceptable or justifiable and only some people are allowed to lie. What’s in your words that you say to others and to yourself? As you can imagine, that parent didn’t want to hear anything other than what he or she said and believed; otherwise that parent would have asked rather than just spoke at me. I hope my simple response of “yes it is painful when people lie to us; particularly when that someone is a person we love” brought peace but also ushered in the mirror that will eventually be looked at rather than continued to be denied. “Just be” in the knowledge that you have been or are the “f” word at some point in life. Each and every one of us has and will make mistakes that can and do result in failures; regardless of whether we are an addict or not. The green truth was that Ryan was the failure while the real truth is that I am as well for my part on the circle of heavell in our lives. The hiding of that honesty mattered when we were in denial but the seeking of that reality is when this all began to change. While it’s important to find the heaven in things or moments, we have done so almost to the detriment of our ability to cope well in hell. The “f” word is an opportunity to try again by not repeating today what was done yesterday. Tomorrow holds the possibility that lessons failed will become lessons learned. No one, and I do mean no one, is only heaven or just a dream. We are all a circle of heavell that includes being hell or a nightmare at any given time to anyone or even to all. Things happen in life that are not always easy or even necessarily possible to overcome in our heads but especially in our hearts. Sometimes the odds do feel overwhelmingly stacked against us and its okay to feel that way. Step back and breathe knowing that it is acceptable to not have done every moment well before or even now. Be kind to yourself as you move through the emotional hell of addiction and the “f” word; just don’t deny it or justify it. When you can, use the experiences of your life, that pain, trauma and successes, to start again. Every part of you is what makes you the only one in this world; especially those mistakes done by you and to you. You need to find an understanding, an acceptance, of those parts because yesterday will always be. If we don’t process through the hell, then we will continue to appear to be illusions of perfection who don’t truly know how to have it all. How do you feel about anything and everything? What will you do with the knowledge of you?
Eleven years ago this week I was honored to give a part of myself, a kidney, to another person whose life depended on my ability to do so. That donation is just one part of my life that has been made up of heaven and hell. My truth is that I have been a failure as well as an illusion of perfection and also a success; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. If you are able to gift a part of yourself to another, l hope you choose the admittance that you have been or are the “f” word. Breathe in brave while holding the hands of courage and fear as you speak the real truth about you. Then dare to change it by learning from it. You never know whose life may rely upon your being able to do so; including your own. If you cannot accept you on your bad days then you will never truly have good days. Denying any of the parts prevents beauty from being found in hell. “Just be” in the knowledge of you; starting with the “f” word…
Through the words that we voice, we express our personal emotional definitions of love, hatred, indifference, negativity, fear, neutrality, inspiration and the acceptance of or lack of for ourselves as well as others. Those meaningful speeches have the power to destroy or lift up any and all that hear them through the emotional attachment that each of us feels when those words are said; out-loud or in our thoughts. In a past blog I wrote about monsters and victims where I stated that I was indeed a monster. Because of the emotional connection that one follower felt for the word monster, that person expressed that I had obviously been a victim who repeated my normal. Her definition of the word monster carried a much more horrific definition than my reference did. I am a monster because my anger got the best of me when I felt lost, desperate, overwhelmed and scared through the moments that were horrific for me. My voice is loud as well as strong and in my spoken word can seem almost like thunder. When my children played sports, the joke was, I could be located on any field because my voice rang out over everyone else’s. Imagine then the power that I have been able to exude when I have been angry. I felt unheard, even in myself, and that resulted in that passion of mine coming out in a way that created more harm than good. The essence of that was that I was not coping well; something that is hard to realize when you are in the throng of things. The discovery that my children, especially Ryan, were also not managing life’s challenges was shocking and devastating; just do as I say not as I do should have been enough to carry them through. The results was that I was a part of the fall off of that cliff while Ryan’s addiction was a part of the light being shown onto everyone; a tree can bring down a whole forest. I want you to know that I have absolutely hated and found beauty in the uncovering of my role on the circle of heavell in our lives. My intentions had always been to lead appropriately but my denial and justification were not conducive to fostering that. Coping is a learned behavior that in itself carries a heaven and hell; just surviving versus actually thriving. Our need to be perceived by others can become a part of the fracturing of ourselves. We then, can and do, make choices that result in the covering up of the pain and some of the parts while seeking a connection with anyone who understands those feelings. So what is in your words that you speak to yourself? To others? Does it contain the green truth, the real truth and or lies? Do you know how you feel about anything and everything? Have your emotional definitions been altered by a substance, people, things, being unheard or BLAH? Is that in your best interest? Are you able to hear how others feel about you without justifying or denying your actions? Without taking it into your heart? What if the biggest risk of all for addiction or even relapses isn’t even a substance?
We often believe what people say of others and at times about ourselves as if their spoken words see and express all. Those emotional attachments to the accounting of others connects to every moment we have felt something on the subject or a similar one. Recently a person felt the need to inform me of my failings in regards to a mutual person in both of our lives. The passion expressed by that individual was an attempt to make me aware but was also intended to shame me in a public setting. I am a believer that there is always something we can learn from the words of others so I contemplated what was the possible lesson. I did not however take into my heart the opinion of that person. In other words, I am a circle of heavell that I must love, hate, accept or change through myself and with the help of others. The individual being defended had implied, via actions and or words on a multitude of occasions, that I had failed to do or directly did something. Rather than take the time to ask me what was my role, the defender connected with the words of the wronged person and assumed the truth. If I had needed that intense person to believe me, I might have reacted with anger over the injustice that he unleashed on me. It is amazing how quickly emotional definitions can create situations where the thunder that is felt on the inside is expressed on the outside; not unlike addicts do with substances. Imagine how difficult and painful that scenario would have been if that situation had involved someone I loved and or I had taken it to heart. Unfortunately, in my previous passionate days, I have done the same thing on numerous occasions. Have you ever taken into your heart the words of another because they somehow connected with you? Did you believe the power of their words even if it was in conflict with yours? Perceptions are influenced by the circle of heavell found in each of us. What is hell for someone, or even heaven, can be downplayed or exaggerated by another because of those similar or dissimilar emotional definitions. Addicts and non-addicts are very much the same as they both seek the defense of and the validation of emotional definitions through people, places, things, substances or BLAH. The passionate person in this story believes what he or she believes. If that person had been interested in more than his or her own perception, I would have been listened to and not just spoken at. Each and every one of us deserves to be heard so I hope my silence that night brought the peace of that rather than the empowerment of thunder. What is in your words that you speak to yourself? To others? Do they carry the full circle of heavell or only the hell or only the heaven? One of the hardest parts of Ryan’s addiction has been dealing with the face of myself in the mirror. I have been hell, there is no denying that, but I have also been heaven. I am now leading us to handle life by owning all of my parts while breathing in brave. Being able to hear myself has opened up life to hear my children; allowing us to find beauty whether we are talking about the heaven or the hell in each of us. Healing has required bringing all of those parts to the front. It has involved the real truth of yesterday, the possibilities of tomorrow and the embracing of how we feel without the fear that someone else’s words are more powerful than our own; especially when it involves someone we love.
To those that I have expressed thunder to, I am sorry that I shut your voice down. Please keep speaking. To the defender, I admire your protection of your friend. To the wronged individual, I am truly hell…at times. To my children, you have my permission to express thunder to me if I ever shut down your voices again. I hope though, that your quietness will lead me to doing this better by hearing the powerful words hidden in your silence. I am the perfect person to love all of me because I know about every perfectly, irritatingly, messy part found within my personal circle of heavell as well as outside of it; denial does not remove any of them. The value of yesterday always being lays in the use of it as the foundation for today or perhaps even tomorrow. You are heaven and hell with beauty being discovered in both places but only if you speak the real truth. What’s in your words? I hope you are listening…to you because if the thunder is too loud inside of you, you will express it on the outside; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly.
We often hear about gateway drugs through the informative drug programs in our schools, other parents or on television or BLAH. The experts advise us to be aware of who our children are with and what they are doing. We are reminded to discuss the use of drugs and alcohol with them; giving us a false sense of security that simply doing so is the answer for the prevention of substance abuse. Every parent I have ever met whose child became an addict has said exactly the same thing to me, “I do not understand this. We discussed drugs and my child participated in the school drug programs.” Because my son was a good student, an athlete and involved in other school activities, I also felt very confused about how drugs had become a part of his life. Some of my thought process about the dangers of substance abuse occurred because I was biting from the apple known as denial. Others transpired because it had seemed easy enough to just say no to them. I realize now that I had really very little understanding of what addiction truly entailed. By blaming addicts, we have created a cycle that has prevented us from realizing that there are so many more factors on the circle of heavell that play a role in the process. By having a one size fits all box, we have failed to continue to discover all the parts that lead to the fracturing of individuals that creates an open door policy. What if the biggest risk for addiction wasn’t a substance at all? In order to become an addict you must first start something and then be unable to stop no matter the cost; no one knows this until it has been commenced. The knowledge of how addiction begins has lead to our promotion of the saying “don’t do drugs” in a variety of ways. Expressing that understanding in the manner that we have though has been in direct conflict with what we have long been aware of about teens. Adolescence is the age of invincibility that is fueled and ruled by those who are in it. When children are young, our voices as their parents carry the weight of all that should be. Once they move into adolescence, their need to be perceived by their peers becomes the bane and or joy of their existence almost to exclusivity. Their emotional definitions, their pain and that need to be regarded as suitable, impact the direction that they step. Once they have started something that promises them the comfort that they seek, there is the possibility that they may never return. While Ryan was on that ventilator after over-dosing, I told his then girlfriend “don’t do drugs” while standing in the lobby of that hospital. I still can see her face as well as her friend’s as we stood there. My words and the visual of Ryan’s life being facilitated by a machine should have carried the weight of all that should be and yet it did not. Why? They are addicts is the simple answer but the reality is that the key encompasses a maze that is as vast as the world and holds all the emotions every perceived by each and every one of them.
Today, I have information about a teen that I have known for all of his or her existence. The parents know me and are well aware of my life as well as my blog. This teen has begun the trail to possible addiction by starting something. He or she should not be here. Many people think that drinking is a right of passage for teens and therefore it carries no real harm as long as they are careful about it. Why is it so hard to perceive the potential fall into hell? Just because you survived yours does not mean your child will survive theirs. No one has a happy life and then decides to destroy it by becoming an addict until it has been initiated. Once they are in hell, it is possible they will never get out. Another complication is that alcohol kills over 90,000 people a year which is currently more than drugs do. Literally it can be found everywhere and yet we rarely hear about the risks of it’s addictive nature. Why is that? Alcohol is an incredibly common coping choice for the easing of the stresses that life brings. The parents of this adolescent partake in alcohol on a regular basis themselves. This adolescent has said that he or she will never consume drugs. That perspective reinforces the normalcy of alcohol in all of our lives. I have chosen to not betray the trust of the adolescent who approached me with the information of this nightmare that is unfolding. I know what you are thinking but it has never been that simple. Things rarely go the way we hope as I can attest to as a parent who was biting from the apple known as denial; just ask Ashlee, Taylor and host of others about me. I am also aware of the parent’s attitude towards the use of alcohol and the denial that hell lives there. Instead I will, through the informant as well as others, work to help this person to help his or herself before it is too late. No program or talking about not using drugs/alcohol or a betrayal or even the ever powerful knowledge of adults is going to stop the normalcy of this. I once spent time with a mother who drank everyday while trying to dissuade her child from using drugs. Alcohol may appear to be the lesser of the two hells by being more acceptable but that is a green truth; its availability and normalcy makes it way more dangerous. Someone once said that parents are willing to do anything for their children except let them be who they are. What if our routines are leading our children to repeat today what we did yesterday and that is a direct trail off the cliff into hell? What if the biggest risk for addiction is not even a substance?
How do you feel about anything and everything? Why did you ever start something? What if the very person you need isn’t available because that person is fractured? What if that fractured person is just simply you? What if the biggest risk for starting something and staying there lies in your not loving, hating, accepting or changing all of the parts that make you whole? What if those missing, hidden and or ignored parts hold the key to your finding beauty in hell? What if you could be just you? The things that happen to us and around us were never meant to be accepted as the sole definer of us nor as the only way. They were always meant to lead us to learn from them while giving each generation the ability to do this better. Yesterday will always be but tomorrow does not have to be the same. Take the hand of courage and fear while breathing in brave. Have you ever really seen just you? Is it in your best interest to allow people, places, things, substances or BLAH to alter who you are? Dear dream. I hope you choose the whole of you rather than the part that addiction will decide for you if you continue on this trail. You should not be here. My words will not stop this because it is how you feel that will lead your steps over that cliff or away from it. Breathe beautiful circle of heavell. Just breathe.
Feeling empty and powerless in hell is an experience that loves everyone equally. Hell has the ability to place any and all in a solitary confinement even though the effects of others are still able to reach us.There are so many negative actions and reactions in that place that it can be hard to breathe. Ryan has told me that substances require more, each time that they are used, in order to facilitate the implied freedom found in yesterday. He has also said that negative behaviors promote a release of pain that can be cathartic regardless of the repercussions that can and do come from them. I know that when I have been angry, especially during so many of those overwhelming moments of fear and frustration, that I have felt the discharge of pain when I expressed it. With each time that the strong feeling of exasperation surged through me, I became louder while seeming to be more powerful. Negative behaviors and or substances always lead to the need for additional amounts in order to find that relief as well as to continue the justification of them. A cycle is then created in the use of substances, people, places, things or behaviors in the pursuit of the memory of yesterday where the soul first breathed the appearance of liberation; despite the fact nothing will ever invoke that moment again. We seek power from the outside of us through the venues that appear to provide the commiseration we desire. We elicit a connection wherever we can find it even if the cost is ourselves and or others because we need to be perceived.
One of my seemingly powerful moments in dealing with Ryan’s addiction came when I had him forcefully taken away to a rehab in the wilderness. I had felt like a victim of his dependency but in that moment I felt like I had the strength of a giant even though I had in fact become a monster. The goal had been to save him before he over-dosed and died as well as to allow myself to breathe again. Tricks were not just for drugs as they were also for me as I sought to break the chains that bound all of us. The words “anything for the win” could have been placed on a poster with my picture right next to it. There was, however, an enormous cost that resulted from that choice of mine that cannot be undone because yesterday will always be. In that quest to save Ryan, I created betrayal between he and Ashlee as well as the two of them and myself. It also left Taylor with an impression that if she did something wrong, that I could send her away as well. Unfortunately it never occurred to me that there were would be any consequences or fall out from my actions. I was behaving just like Ryan even though I believed my warfare was justifiable; any casualties would be minimal as well as acceptable. Ultimately that destruction only delayed the inevitable because an over-dose would not be denied in the future for Ryan. I, for years, refused to see how any of my children had been effected because I was sure I had been right. Every time they tried to speak about it, I had a justifiable answer. My emotional definitions, particularly as a mom, made it seem as if it had been okay; not unlike an illusion of perfection. I was never able to find beauty, though, in those rebuttals nor in saying them louder and the results was that my children never felt heard. Negative behaviors, even unrealized ones, can create victims that then can become monsters; I, as well as my children, have been both.
I put a lot of effort into finding the rehab that Ryan attended in another state; the first time by force and the second time by choice. I loved what they had to offer as far as being an outdoor environment and the therapeutic/psychological support that they provided. Most of all I looked for a program that I strongly felt would connect with Ryan in order to discover what was needed by him to ensure his sobriety. Addiction, for the majority of people, is a forever hell where falling off the cliff can occur in a simple moment or through a pattern; no matter how long sobriety has been achieved for. Relapses are a part of the ordeal because the sense of freedom found yesterday becomes the desire of today especially when an individual remains fractured. I say these things because I have been asked how I was able to make the decision on the facility that I had chosen for him. I have also been made aware that not all rehabs are created equally. Unfortunately no one can promise a success that will guarantee the permanent recovery of an addict because it is dependent on the individual addict’s state of being; what they feel on the inside and then express on the outside. No one decides or chooses to become an addict but everyone chooses to start something in order to fit in, run from something or BLAH. Addiction is a hell that involves many steps forward as well as backwards. It is the home of the brave because in it is where some of the strongest courage and most gut wrenching fear is found; whether an addict or not. Beauty does not lay in a system, or a purpose or even in the use of degradation of our fallen angels. Together we are powerful enough to change this by recognizing the individuality of each dependent person while helping them to love, hate, accept or change every single part that makes up their circle of heavell but never to deny them. We can perceive and learn from each other despite being in a solitary confinement. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do every day; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. No one, and I do mean no one, is doing this life thing without having hell in them or around them in some manner. It is the vulnerability of that as well as the acceptance of the real truth from the mirror that holds the ability to change the illusions of perfection that actually keep all of us in hell. Make the best decision possible, with the knowledge that you have today, that will help provide a connection for your addict that leads to the breathing in of brave; rather than the liberation that substances imply can be found within them. Yesterday will always be a part of us but today and tomorrow hold the power of beauty in both heaven and hell if we step towards it.
The decisions we make, through our words or actions, remain within us and outside of us forever as yesterday will always be. We have the ability to lift up and or destroy others as well as ourselves; for every action there is a reaction that occurs. We regard those deeds that are conveyed through the effect(s) that they have on us while seemingly being unaware that we achieve the same in others in some manner. Throughout these years I have had many reactions that were expressed in anger on the outside after having been felt as fear and frustration on the inside. I wish I could say that I have always handled life well but then I would not be here. Just because I have appeared to “have it all”, meaning only heaven, does not mean that it transferred into reality for me. Failing to cope well is something that loves everyone equally regardless of money, addiction, education, position, religion, lack of or BLAH. It has seemed as if the more I felt pain, the more I reacted in manners that were not of benefit to myself or to others; not unlike an addict. I would love to go back in time and reverse what I am personally responsible for but what has been done cannot be undone no matter how much I wish it to be. How our feelings, coping and pain are expressed, depends upon the person who is living with them on the inside. The green truth is found in the appearance of people, places and things while the real truth is found in the details of them. The mirror knows all of those aspects about each and every one of us as well as those little boxes of feelings that we hide. I have been angry and hurt, due to a multitude of behaviors by others while feeling that mine were reasonable. Justification of responses helps us to feel heard as well as minimizes the behaviors and or feelings of others. ‘When you do this, I feel this” touches on the surface of those feelings but leaves the particulars of everyone’s actions and the accountability for them hidden away. I know that there have been many times in the past that my children have tried to explain to me how my choices effected them on the inside. I can say that I did not hear them because I was too busy justifying my actions. That line then could have the capacity to reach deep inside if it included the words “I chose my action/reaction because I never learned to hear myself”. How hard is it to hear that your words and actions have an effect on others; especially in the ways that they experience it on the inside and then reveal it on the outside? How aware are you of the ones that you feel in the interior and convey on the exterior? Is it difficult for others to perceive the results you feel from their actions? I have realized that its impossible to hear others if I am unable to hear myself. By hiding or denying some of my parts, it was not feasible for me to be whole nor for me to teach my children to be whole. Through my inability to do those very important things, I have been a part of the conditional love of my children and of myself that was a segment in the illusions of perfection. The wellbeing of my relationship with my children is based not on some of their parts or some of mine. It is the result of the celebration of the heaven and the hell in every one of us. I wish that I had understood that so much earlier in my life but unfortunately it was not in my handbook about myself nor my parenting one. Yesterday will always be a part of me because it carries the mistakes and the pain. It is also where I felt incredible fear, the strongest courage and the ability to breathe in brave. I know that my intent was to do this right but I lacked the details of what is required in life; which is not to pretend to be in heaven. Hell will always be because things will go wrong or others will effect us or we will make mistakes or BLAH. The other day Ashlee and I were laughing because it had been a day full of chaos because of the choices of others. She said, “We’ve got this mom because we are good even in hell”. She of course is right. We do not require growth of any sort in heaven but we do in hell. We do not need to hold the hand of courage as well as fear’s when things go as planned. I learned all of this when I started to listen to myself and then my children. Through the bravery of Ashlee, Ryan and Taylor, I have discovered who I am and what I am capable of. Their unconditional love helped me to discover that it is not about getting out of hell but to instead embrace it knowing I am better because of it. Rather than behaving today as I did yesterday, I continue to discover how my mistakes and my pain are coming together to make me a better person for tomorrow. I am the perfect person to love, hate, accept and or change all of my parts but never to deny them. I am a circle of heavell that will always be. See you forever hell because through you I have found the real heaven and not just the illusion of it.
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