Every situation and every person contains both heaven and hell; bringing the version of each through the challenges, the celebrations and the lessons learned or not. It is often said that one person’s heaven is another person’s hell but that is a green truth. One cannot exist without the other although it can be incredibly difficult to find beauty in the hell when it often hides in the shadows. The loss of a dream is the most challenging because with it comes the inability for there to be a tomorrow even though yesterday will always just be. The process of being in either place pertains to the holder of that hell or that heaven; whether an addict or not. Sometimes the things that we face are more than what we can bear and denying that only ensures that hell will always stay close. The ability to cope well in any given moment depends on what that moment, that trauma, or that BLAH is as well as how we feel on the inside when it occurs. In my life, some of the simplest events have brought me to my knees while other ones that should have destroyed me resulted in a momentary flinch. If those things continually happen, it can and does get harder and harder to breathe. Substance abuse, whether an addict or not, contains within it such extremes of emotions that sometimes it is easier to seek concrete answers while hiding or denying those feelings. Ryan is my dream, a fallen angel, but for others he is nothing more than addict, a nightmare; we have not felt the same about him. We each are or have been in denial while using justification for our behaviors; the real truth is that Ryan is both. Neither the non-believers nor I can dismiss the full circle of heavell that he is because to do so will ensure that he remains fractured. When that counselor, all those years back, had said that I could not hand Ryan his belief in himself, he had only been somewhat right. By seeing only the pieces that I had wanted to, those heavenly expectations, I was failing to help Ryan love, hate, accept or change every part of himself in order to be whole. The same then can be said of the non-believers who wanted only to see a part or some of the parts of him that are only the hell. I am so much more than just the mother of an addict or the hell in someone’s life or even the heaven in another’s world; we all are. Each of my children can relay heaven and hell moments about me even when talking about the same event. All of those emotional definitions are valid and denying that will not change the truth in the mirror; its easier to only be or see or hear the heaven. We cannot breathe into our hearts the feelings of others because within them lie the fracturing that prevents us from learning the lessons and or finding the beauty in hell. What has been done cannot be undone no matter what we hope for, wish for or deny because yesterday will always be a part of us. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you deny the BLAH? Do you only see the hell of you or only the heaven? Beauty can be located no matter where you are, on the inside as well as the outside, but it is your emotional definitions that will determine when or if you will find it. You are the perfect person to love all of you but never deny the BLAH otherwise you will continue to only perceive of illusions of perfection; a place where real beauty will never be found.
The HugTrain made it’s way through Tucson on Sunday and the founder, Arie Moyal, stood on a street corner while offering free hugs. This gentle, giant who hails from Quebec, has been riding the trains to different cities in the United States during the holidays for ten years; as a way to bring a distinct perspective about the world through hugs and mental health support. This year his ride was dedicated to a fallen angel that was lost to an overdose a few months ago. I missed the opportunity to meet him in person but I was fortunate enough to speak with him for some time once he made it to Los Angeles. I was amazed at his perspective of the needs of his friend while also being painfully aware of his inability to help that dream find his belief in himself before time ran out. Yesterday will always be in their friendship but there is no today nor will there ever be a tomorrow because what has been done cannot be undone. What, then, to do with the emotions of the anything and the everything, from the friendship as well as the loss of it; as it pertains to the one who carries it on the inside? Arie is the only one who can find or not the beauty that lives in the hell that will always just be; just as each person who knew that dream must do in their own time and way. This year’s ride has contained more of the hell side of the circle of heavell for Arie as feelings can be and are exhausting; leaving it hard to breathe and to know where to step next. With each year, he has been generating and sharing a concrete thing, hugs, during a time of the year that can be overwhelming for so many. The green truth is that Arie does this for others but the real truth is that he is also finding his way through life on those train rides each year. Arie sacrifices more than most realize for those hugs spread out over the cities that the trains stop at. For years he has personally funded those acts of kindness until disability placed him in the vulnerable position of being perceived through the generosity of others on his GoFundMe. Please check him out on Facebook at HugTrain; it is a non-profit organization. He still has a few more days to go and you can see his trip from the beginning until the end there. Arie will probably never know the impact that he has had on one life or perhaps even many lives over the past ten years; only those who carry it on the inside know the real truth. After speaking with him, I was once again reminded of my ex-father-in-law who gave me the greatest gift via a hug on a day when life was more than I could bear. Never stop Arie because people like me need you to help us express what is on the inside without the use of words that don’t always mean the same thing to others. As you said, “A hug conveys the message that you are seen and that you matter”. Thank you Arie Moyal for your time and your words of wisdom.
To All: Addiction is an opportunity to discover and know every part, the hell and the heaven, of ourselves as well those of others. You are more than the substance abuse that affects your life; whether an addict or not. Love, hate, accept or change every part but never deny the BLAH or you will remain fractured. It matters not what I say for my emotional definitions belong to me but it does matter what you do with the knowledge of you; you are your own guide. If I were you I would see what in the mirror? That which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; determining whether you are just in hell or if beauty will be found no matter where you are. If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point. When was the last time you hugged yourself; especially when life brings you more than you can bear? See you soon, love Heaven and Hell.
When dreams become nightmares through addiction, its easy to focus upon the substance abuse as being the sole problem but that is a green truth. We rarely, if ever, know the real truth about what it took for someone to get where they are until we deal with all that has occurred. Substances are concrete items that can easily be seen and therefore easily blamed; versus the hard to understand feelings of ourselves as well as others. By simply controlling substances or removing the access to them, the belief is that addiction will no longer be a problem; another green truth. Where there is a will, there will always be a way. Where there is a need, especially the desire to run from pain or to fit in, there will always be a way. When Ryan began using, it had started with a friend offering him a prescription pill with the promise that it would surely make everything alright in life. Why does anyone need a person, a place, a substance, a thing, a BLAH in order for that to occurr? The problem with the yesterdays is that in them lie all that has been done whether seen or not; leading to that which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside, eventually. It has really taken me such a long time to know and even understand all the things that drove Ryan to escape life through his false friendship with drugs. They had brought him the ability to cope in a life where he had learned to only appear to be an illusion of perfection. The story of each addict is not exactly the same but part of the answer of addiction does lie in the pieces that bind any and all addicts to the use of any and all substances; not just the addictive nature of each substance or even the addict brain itself.
If in life we are supposed to help each other become the best version of ourselves, then dealing with the hell side will have to be a part of achieving that; heaven does not exist without hell. Life is never going to be favorable with its challenges nor is any person going to be well timed in the deliverance of the parts that demand the ability to cope well. It is easy enough to believe that the anything and the everything from the yesterdays will just stay there but they don’t. See you soon in the future in the form of addiction when “unhappy people” cope through the use of substances. Those moments, no matter the size, make up the traumas, no matter the size, that are carried in the heart when they are breathed in. They are perceived by the person who feels them; where they can and do carry the weight of the world. How you feel about the anything and the everything is not necessarily what anyone else feels even though we all understand the dictionary definitions of words. What is in your words that you say to yourself and to others? Do you cope well? Dreams do not aspire to become nightmares, victims do not hope to become monsters and angels do not plan to live in hell but it happens every single day; whether convenient or not. We must treat all of the parts of us equally otherwise we will only be illusions of perfection; altering our state of being because we will need people, places, things, substances and BLAH to feel better. Feelings cannot be seen until they are expressed on the outside in manners that can be and are detrimental to ourselves as well as to others; they are what make each of us who we are. “I am sorry” is an important statement, whether an addict or not, because in it is the validation of the feelings of others. We may not feel the same way about the anything and the everything but we can relate to the need to be seen and heard. Addicts really are just like you and me because they feel the same way about facing the mirror and dealing with hell just as much as we do.
A scientist once told me that addiction has actually played a role in the survival of human beings. He explained that during the times when water carried diseases, the drinking of alcohol or fermented beverages prevented people from contracting illnesses that would have killed them. Today, however, addiction is not necessary in the survival of diseases even though it still holds the promise of existence in a world of pain; as well as for those who live with mental illness. The yesterdays are a part of us because they will always be; what has been done cannot be undone. If we behave today, though, as we have in the past, we will continue to be a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. Just because it has been done does not mean that it was right then nor that it is right now. Addiction, like a circle of heavell, carries within it the vast layering of contributing factors; not just the ones that are easily seen and or blamed. If we are to truly help each other to become the best forms of ourselves then we must find beauty no matter where we are; coping well without people, places, substances or BLAH in order to feel better. Hell will never be that far away because life is not that considerate and heaven cannot exist without it. Pick your own weeds while carrying hope in your heart that others will follow your lead. I am sorry that you are here but you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you. What pieces bind you to heaven and or to hell? It matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of you; just don’t deny any of your parts or you will remain fractured.
To All: Every day is a new day to discover you. To face what has been done by you and to you. Breathe in brave while holding the hands of courage and that of fear. A wise friend once said, “If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point”. You are more than the parts that bind you to addiction. Treat both the heaven and the hell in you in an equal manner because one does not exist without the other. Beauty will never be found in illusions of perfection. You are the real truth in your life whether anyone else feels the same way or not. Tomorrow is waiting for you to become a whole circle of heavell. What will you do with the knowledge of you?
What you feel about the anything and the everything will be expressed in your behavior and ultimately it is a reflection of what you discern life to be. If there is hurt or pain or a need to be perceived by others in your life, it is more likely that you will feel angry and or depressed. As such, you will react in ways that may not be of benefit to yourself nor to others; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. Throughout these years as we have dealt with the opinions as well as the behaviors of others towards Ryan, it has been surprising and painful to witness the justification of disrespect that he has endured. How hard can it be for an addict to overcome the addiction that lives within when the behaviors from others are a continual reminder of all that should not have been? In order to be whole, to overcome addiction, we must focus on all of the parts that are located within our personal circles of heavell; not just the ones we or others choose to view.
Unbeknownst to us was the real truth that the continual use of substances can and does permanently damage the body. The hospital Ryan was at a year ago failed to discover what was happening on the inside because of what they knew of him on the outside; that he had been an IV drug user. It mattered not what I had said nor even what Ryan had said because the only opinions that were of importance were those of the hospital personnel; as such that delay in treatment almost cost him his life. All feelings matter, regardless of who they belong to, but it is how they are coped with and then expressed that determines whether we are a part of the solution or a part of the problem; regardless of being an addict or not. After seven hours in the ER, the doctor had informed us that they had yet to draw blood on Ryan. His cavalier attitude had been the determiner in Ryan choosing to be discharged rather than to continue to wait for care. Fortunately I had demanded that they draw his blood before he had been released. Shortly after we had returned home, that same ER doctor had called to inform us that Ryan was in kidney and liver failure; he was critical. Anger swelled with every breath that I had taken as I listened to that doctor. Both Ryan and I had been painfully aware that he was being ignored during the time that he had laid on that gurney. Each of us at the hospital had felt differently about addiction and as such we had behaved according to those feelings; which has nothing to do with the dictionary definition of the word addiction. Someone recently told me that I should “just get over it”. We obviously did not feel the same about what had occurred but the devaluing of feelings will only result in a failure to resolve any issues. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Pick your own weeds otherwise you will only be an illusion of perfection who bites from the apples known as denial, justification and judgement; beauty will never be found in that hell.
The judgement of others has repeatedly been a hinderance in Ryan’s sobriety as well as almost having cost him his life. Perhaps addiction should come with a notice that states that addicts can and will be treated as less than by some people because “bad behavior justifies bad behavior”. We need to know how we feel about the anything and the everything but we also need to know how to cope well with those emotional definitions; whether an addict or not. The act of saying “I am sorry” is not the admittance of guilt nor the placing of someone else’s feelings above your own. It is the acknowledgement of the other person’s feelings that are based on his or her perception(s). We are each a circle of heavell that can be hell or heaven or both in the lives of others; illusions of perfection will not remove anyone’s sins. It is never easy to look in the mirror and see how we have affected others but beauty can be found in bringing to light what has been hidden. Life has a no return policy because tomorrow holds the opportunity to do this differently by not repeating the same behaviors of yesterday. Take the hand of courage and the hand of fear while breathing in brave. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because a tree can bring down a forest and a forest can lift a tree.
To Ryan: Your compassion towards others and your forgiveness of them, despite never having received an apology, is why you are the hero that I aspire to be every day. I have said it before but I will say it again, “I am just so sorry for all my “f” moments”. Every moment matters with you and I will live in hell as long as you are there. I love you.
Our recognition of addiction is greatly influenced by what the fixation is and whether or not it has had an influence in our own lives; the manner, the time frame, the BLAH. The definition of the word addict itself contains both a heaven as well as a hell side. If you are a lover/user of substances, then you are a part of the description that is linked to hell. If you are a lover/fan of a specific person, place or thing, then you are the acceptable part of the definition that is associated with heaven. There is such a diversity of reactions and emotional interpretations in regards to the need or preoccupation of anything. Within that heavell though lies the commonality that can bring the compassion and the understanding that we each need as it pertains to dependency; regardless of whether an addict or not. Recently I listened as a police officer spoke about the use of the drug Narcan to combat overdoses in opioid users. That officer’s observation was that perhaps Narcan was fueling overdoses as addicts can now be brought back from the brink of no return. I, myself, have never met nor heard of anyone choosing to overdose because the ability to be saved is now the norm. Is that officer’s statement one that is made up of the green truth or the real truth? Or was it one that was merely spoken with the frustration of having to save an addict on more than one occasion? The start of substance use is a choice but the inability to end the fixation that the brain, the body and even the heart desires is not. Being an addict associated with the hell side is clearly not what any dream has nor ever will aspire to become. Narcan brings the hope that an opioid addict has another chance to find sobriety rather than the ending that is located within an overdose. Every dream matters, whether here or not, because each carries or has carried the beauty of heaven as well as that of hell; as perceived by those who carry those dreams within their hearts.
What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? By thinking about the things that we are engrossed in, it is possible to find a connection through the similarities that each of us feels about anything and everything. Part of the hell of addiction is found in the separation of those perceptions and needs that are carried within the heart of the addict versus those within a non-addict. Depending on what your emotional definitions are, you will view those things as either heaven or hell but that may not be how someone else sees them. Take whatever thing is most important to you and replace it with substances. How do you feel now? What do you think your addict feels? There are things that help me just be in life and while they are different from what Ryan chose to cope with, we both located the connection that we were each in need of. Substances bring the false promise that what is on the inside can be fixed or dulled by that which is on the outside. Over time the comfortableness of that coping becomes a way of just being. One of the greatest moments in my life occurred years ago when Ryan had been on a ventilator for several days after overdosing. My ex-father-in-law had arrived from out of state to provide support for my ex-husband and also for me. As soon as he had walked into the hospital, he had wrapped me in a bear hug that lifted the weight of the world for me. In my darkest hour, I had needed that someone or that something to bring me relief from all that was transpiring on the inside; no one could see it on the outside through my illusions of perfection. It took years for me to grasp the beauty of that heavenly gift that came that day. Ryan has been associated with the description of hell that is defined by being an addict of substances. I have been linked to the acceptable version of it known as heaven. We are both, though, a circle of heavell because I am more than the mother of an addict and he is more than just an addict.
The real truth about addiction is that it contains both heaven and hell not only in the dictionary but in life as well; your emotional definitions are the key. Yesterday will always be a part of each of us but as of today, none of us can ever be that exact person again because the moments keep accumulating; the traumas, the gifts, the “f” times and even the BLAHS. If I were you, I would see what in the mirror? Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other through the similarities. Take the hand of courage as well as that of fear and breathe in brave. You are the perfect person to love all of you. You are also the perfect person to perceive of others in their darkest hour; whether an addict or not. What will you do with the knowledge of you? Life has a no return policy because tomorrow is waiting for you. Just go through with the hope that, no matter where you are on the circle of heavell, beauty can be found there.
Once a dream has fallen into addiction, the affects of all that it entails becomes a part of everyone on the circle of heavell whether we want it to or not. Some of our responses to that scenario are then based upon our resentment of being pulled into hell with them. If only those angels had done what we had said, none of us would have been placed on the trail of addiction that may never truly be that far away. Our memories of yesterday remind us of who an addict was prior to today and within those recollections is the hope that they will return to that place in life. I had just wanted Ryan to come home to himself in order to be that pre-conceived notion that I had held of him. With each sober moment, day, week or BLAH, I had believed that that was who would return. It fueled my determination to make that the reality for him as well as for myself. The real truth though was that my knowledge of him was made up of only some of his parts. Within each relapse, those secret pieces fought to be seen and heard despite being detrimental to the carrier within whom they lived and who was also fighting to keep them hidden. In order for an addict or even a non-addict to be whole, all of the pieces that make up his or her personal circle of heavell must be loved, hated, accepted or changed; regardless of our desire to acknowledge them or not. You should be here is based upon our emotional definitions but is not necessarily the right answer for others. There had been times in the past where my memories of Ryan brought me pain because of all that had been lost but also for the person that I had thought he would become. Who he is or who I am is based upon the heaven and the hell of each of us and not just one or the other. Addiction is merely one part of him and I am more than just the mother of an addict. We can use the words that we all have an understanding of but it is those personal emotional definitions that live in our hearts that lead us to where we all fall. If we do not deal with the whole of each of us, then we will live only in illusions of perfection while ensuring that hell will never truly be that far away. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because we are each a circle of heavell. No one will ever come together as we each have nor feel exactly as we each do; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. There is you and then there is me but there is also so much more in between because it is just not that simple. How we feel on the inside will be expressed on the outside; sometimes to the detriment of all.
What if a loved one has only known a dream as solely being in that place of addiction? What beauty can be found in a hell where hope has only been seen lurking in the shadows? In the past I have failed to recall that both Ashlee and Ryan carry the parts of being the children of an addict; all of the highs and the lows that it entails. I had believed that they would be fine but unfortunately addiction had impacted them in ways that were felt on the inside but I had neglected to recognize on the outside. By being unaware of what they were breathing into their hearts, I never realized all that was becoming a part of their whole circle of heavell. They were each completely alone in the emotional definitions that came to be within themselves and as such reacted in separate manners. It was hard for me to comprehend what being a child of an addict encompassed and the consequence was my inability to perceive of the things that carried the weight of the world for them. What has been done cannot be undone by any of us because in the yesterdays we will always be the “f” word; in so many moments that have impacted them as well as others. We were a part of those traumas whether we knew it or not or intended to be or not. Ashlee sums up her life this way: She physically lives in a home but the part of her that is the child of an addict lives on a continuously moving roller coaster. Along for the ride in the other seats are her worries, uncertainty, fear, sadness for what has been lost and forgiveness for those “f” times. Thankfulness is also found there for the moments or days that addiction isn’t at the forefront of her life. Even the aspect of incoming phone calls or those that are left unanswered ride along in the familiar way that the sinking feeling of defeat can bring. As an adult she has been able to grasp the hands of courage and fear while breathing in brave. She also carries hope within her now for herself, for Ryan, for her father, as well as for others. Because she has learned to water her flowers and pull her own weeds, she has become more than just the part of her that is a daughter, the sibling and the friend of addicts. It is her real truth about a brave little girl who will always just be in the heart of a woman who has found beauty in hell. As she has said: Addiction breaks so many but it also gives rise to the understanding and compassion that we all need to find within ourselves for ourselves; because there is so much more in between. Please stand by as we are all in need of repair.
To Devon: As mothers, our intent is to protect our children by removing them from what or whom we see as being harmful. Unfortunately we are not always able to see the trauma that rises from within despite that effort. My children can perceive of your pain but only you can find your place to be. Your continued compassion in a situation from where there is no escape is admirable. You will find beauty in hell by breathing in brave. Hope does live in you for you. You are a circle of heavell. Embrace every single part for they are what make you the only you. What will you do with the knowledge of you?
To Charlie: It is with great sorrow that we say good-bye to you. I will never forget how your bear hug lifted the weight of the world for me that day at the hospital after Ryan had over-dosed. Thank you for perceiving of me in my darkest moments. For a man who spoke few words, your impact shook this world. Until we meet again…
How we feel about the anything and the everything in our lives can be difficult to understand within ourselves but even more challenging when it pertains to others. Despite any similarities, we are each a circle of heavell with our parts creating our personal whole. When we express how we feel, depending on our emotional definitions and those of others, we can either experience being perceived or being disregarded or even being completely devalued. We often seek that validation of our feelings by being heard on the outside of ourselves rather than discovering how to believe and support from within. In the yesterdays, our words held all that should be with our children but as they move forth in seeking their own independence and acceptance, that influence becomes one that others can and do control; sometimes in secret and sometimes publicly. Over the years as I have listened to addicts and non-addicts speak about their feelings on addiction, substances and life, I noticed that while everyone used similar words, those comments did not express the same things from the inside to the outside for each person. The definitions of words merely describes the universal understanding of them but when they are conveyed by the user, they carry the weight of the world as perceived by that person. When we listen to others, we can either discern a connection with them or we can feel disassociated from them; even within the same family. Everyone on the circles of heavell has the ability to lift up or to destroy others as well as ourselves through the comprehension of those individual emotional definitions. Tricks are not just for drugs but also live in the failure to be aware of the value of feelings within ourselves and others. We are each the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change each part of ourselves in order to be whole; but not if we deny or devalue any piece of our circle or those that are outside of us. People, places, things, substances and BLAH help us to either run from, cope with or find the justification in our feelings; sometimes to the detriment of ourselves and others. Please stand by as we are all in need of repair.
There were two children who each had a bouncy ball at their individual homes. The first one played with his or her ball everyday and loved it as a favorite toy. The second child had no attachment to his or her ball. That child went over to the home of the initial one and saw the favorite ball on the ground. While walking to the front door, the second child kicked that ball so hard it had burst. The first one then came out and proceeded to yell at the other one for having destroyed his or her favorite toy. Each of those children had their own emotional definition pertaining to that toy that was based on the feelings that had been created through their own experiences with bouncy balls; rather than just knowing the dictionary definition of the word. While it can be said that the second child should not have kicked that bouncy ball hard enough to burst it when it was not his or hers to do so with, that was only a part of what was said and not said between the two children. Through the second child’s action, the initial child felt he or she had been devalued by the loss of that favorite toy. Because of his or her own indifference towards the object, the second child was not able to perceive of what the first one had expressed. A moment can carry so much more on the inside then can necessarily be perceived on the outside or even in the appearances of things for each individual that is involved.
How I feel based upon my life experiences is important to me but that is not necessarily the real truth for anyone else including those within my family. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? In theirs to you as well as themselves? Do they contain the green truth, the real truth or even lies? Do you feel validated or devalued or somewhere in between? I have found that when I express my pain, those that have also felt a similar pain will connect with me but that it is not the automatic response of those who have not. If the ones who have had a role in my pain, do not grasp my feelings, the situation becomes even more complicated; just like the story of those two children and the value of bouncy balls as it pertains to each of them. It is not easy for others to connect with what is on the inside of ourselves that we express on the outside; regardless of being an addict or not. Words are just words but within them is the story of each us where only our hearts truly know of all that has been. The mirror holds the real truth about what has happened to us, what we have done as well to others, and the feelings that have been created through all of it. The yesterdays will always be and as such we must look at them in order to not repeat them today or even in the tomorrows. Ryan has said that all addicts and non-addicts need a place to just be, on the inside and the outside, rather than a place to un-be through justification, denial, substances, people, things or BLAH. Take the hands of courage and fear while breathing in brave and hold on because it is possible to find beauty while in hell. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because words are merely just words and not necessarily the real truth of what is on the inside.
There are times when we need the support of those who grasp our feelings and all that they hold as it pertains to being the friends and the families of addicts. One such group is @theaddictally on Instagram or wethevillage.co where you can not only find answers and support from professionals but also those who are or have lived through the hell of addiction. You will also be able to provide your valuable knowledge to those who are: new to dealing with addiction, caught in a cycle that needs a different perspective or in need of the understanding that can be found in the beauty of encouragement from those who can perceive of us.
To Chad: Three years have passed since you left this world even though it feels as if we just saw you yesterday. You will always be one of our dreams because you are a part of what makes us whole on our circle of heavell. Love you and miss you yesterday, today and into the tomorrows.
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