“You can’t talk someone out of being crazy if he or she feels crazy in the moment.” No truer statement has been said by Ryan, or anyone else for that matter, especially as it pertains to substance abuse; and or fear. When addicts are using a substance or in need of more, the fear of not having it can drive them to do, say or be things that they would not necessarily participate in; just as non-addicts will engage in whatever in trying to prevent or end the use of substances by their loved one. In this past week, a dear friend found herself in the position of having to choose to kick out a family member; due to the discovery of his or her use of meth. That addict feels as if he or she has been abandoned by the family. “So what if I am, it didn’t matter when you didn’t know; either way it’s your fault not mine.” That family, in turn, has described experiencing being deserted by the addict through the use of drugs; as well as the lie(s) and manipulations that occurred while doing so. The emotional definitions of the same word(s), lie in the heart of each individual; as created from their position as well as the experiences of his or her moments. Life has always been more than just words despite our understanding of the definitions of them; because while we all comprehend them, we don’t feel or apply them in our hearts and our lives in the same way. In his or her state, that addict is unable to see that the family is entitled to use the same word, for a different reason, from another position on the circle of heavell; just as he or she is entitled to use it from his or hers. The value of words belongs to each of us; whether we understand and or agree or not with the use of them by others. The justifications of people, places, things, behaviors, choices, feelings, substances and even the BLAH can always be found. They then encourage only seeing the green truths that we need in order to hold on to all that has been and felt; walking in circles rather than stepping forward. What came first: being forsaken, the pain, the substance abuse or the justification? As you are, you are justified in your feelings but not necessarily in how you are dealing with them; especially if it is or has been detrimental to you and or to others. Ryan felt, within his heart, that he had just cause to use substances as does this addict; the power of those feelings, the hell, grows in articulation when they are denied or hidden. But just as addicts have their validations, so do non-addicts in their feelings of what they can or cannot do as it pertains to the addict; as well as the abuses of substances. What is in the words or actions that you express to yourself ; as well as to others? Will they lift you up or feed the hell from the inside to the outside? What if in a moment like this, you were to find the value of you in being a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person; a work in progress? After all, superpowers and sometime warriors have never been needed in heaven; nor in the appearance of it.
I was in Kansas City this past weekend, with Taylor and Ashlee, to attend a beautiful memorial that Ryan’s father held for him. I have not been there in years nor seen most of that side of the family in a long time either. The hell of it was that it was Ryan’s death that brought me to a place from my yesterdays. The heaven of it was in being with my daughters; as well as this family who had their own memories of him. Ryan’s four sisters and brother, his dad, myself and his former stepmother went to dinner together later that night. We were talking and laughing on the patio of the restaurant as we waited for our dinners when a loud crash startled us. A driver had slammed into our parked rental car on the street; and was trying to drive away from the wreck against oncoming traffic. Fortunately two officers saw the man leaving the scene and were able to pull him over; once stopped he attempted to flee from his vehicle as well. That driver was impaired and was arrested for a DUI. As Ashlee stood on the street dealing with the police, the witnesses, the rental car agency and the insurance company, her dad and I remained with her for support. The three of us missed out on the time we had hoped to have with the others and they with us; as well as a great meal. We were not in the car but we could have been getting in or out of it. Or the driver could have hit the vehicle parked in front of us; as the owner walked to it to retrieve items from it. I have no idea if that man is a non-addict who had an “f” moment or if he is an addict who had one. What I do know is that night a person in an altered state effected not only himself but us as well; something that happens every day to so many people. It is possible to feel fear from the realization that while no one was hurt, someone could have been killed; even though only a car was totaled. It is also perceivable to transfer that feeling of fear into anger or even outrage as the result of that behavior; whether an addict or not. But within it is also the feasibility to feel all of that and then transfer those emotions into the understanding that the driver was expressing what is on the inside of him; a view of the mess within that is in need of being dealt with. The accident was an inconvenience but it was also a reminder that while our addict son, brother, uncle, grandson and friend is no longer here, there are still so many more that are; because every dream matters whether here or not.
To our Colorado and Kansas City families: Thank you for welcoming us into your homes and hearts; as well as for the memories, the support and even the tears. Find what you love, always learn, be loud, laugh until your stomach and cheeks hurt, and always be amazed at the amount of work and creativity that has gone into the creation of you. Just be you; perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. See you in the tomorrows!
The words “see you” carry the understanding that you will intersect with an individual again in the future. Ryan frequently used that phrase to impart that we would encounter each other in another moment; but he also said them in a conversation. In life we have the need to be perceived of by others; especially to be recognized as being valuable. When we are fractured, the loudest part or parts on the inside of us can guide us to the people, places, things, substances or even the BLAH that we find some connection with; even if it is detrimental to our wellbeing. What Ryan was telling me, through the use of those words, was that he was able to see and accept me; beyond just what I appeared to be. If I were you, what would I see in the mirror? Would it just be the hell or the heaven of you; whether an addict or not? The green truth is that some parts or only other people are heaven while the real truth is that we are all so very heavell. We each have the ability to lift up and or to destroy ourselves; as well as others. That power then creates the victims, monsters, sometime warriors and everything else in between that live on the inside of us; as well as the outside of us. What if in a moment like this you were to see you and others for all that we each are: because a part or some parts can never equal a whole? What if you were to accept that you are the perfect person to feel and to bring hell just as you are the ideal individual to do the same with heaven; finding beauty no matter where you are? Another part of Ryan’s sobriety was found in the embracing of our being perfectly, irritatingly, messy people; all that we are, have been and will be. What has been done in the yesterdays cannot be undone but it need not be what is in the tomorrows; unless of course we continue to repeat the same behaviors and feelings while expecting a different outcome. Just as sometime warriors stand for different amounts of time in us, so do the victims, the monsters and the everything else. You should not be here but you are because you failed to treat the heaven and the hell equally; both are yours to have and to hold even if you only have heavenly expectations. Take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave; because I see you walking in your circles while feeling the BLAH. I’m just in this place waiting for you to say “So what if I am a “f” moment maker or have “f” parts?” As you are, you are the perfect person to be so very heavell; loving, hating, accepting or changing but never denying the whole of you. After all, you didn’t come into addiction as a part and you can’t leave it as only one either.
Why are we either more than or less than; in all that we are or are capable of? That question was left on one of Ryan’s voice recordings; where he pondered how we influence ourselves as well as others. Being less than implies that an individual or a part’s value is not as great as someone else’s just as being more than indicates someone or a part has a desirability that is greater than another; as we desire heaven over hell in our lives. One of the pieces that guided Ryan’s fall into addiction came through the belief that he was less than; also known as the hell. It had not mattered that he was great at so many things when the words of others had implied otherwise; breathing what was said into his heart. His little boxes of feelings carried the weight of the world; as well as the justification for coping through the use of substances. Located within the all of you are the chains that bind you to whatever hell you feel, believe in or have been through. What if you were to do the same with your heaven; regardless of its size or strength? Addiction is a superpower because while it has the ability to destroy, it also has the capacity to lift up; carrying the real truth that we are more than, less than and also everything else in between. So what? As we are, we have it all to have and to hold; whether we want it or not or hide it or not. The value is in the heart of you as the holder of all that has been in the yesterdays; treat all of it equally. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell and as such you are a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person who walks in circles, feels the pain and has a sometime warrior living in the shadows; as well as victims, monsters and the BLAH. I will be waiting right here until you see what I see; that you are feeding the hell with the help of the apple known as justification. See you. Love, Heaven and Hell.
I believe in your hell because you do; as it has been seen from your position on the circle of heavell. I also accept it as being the truth for you; as felt in the heart of the beholder of all that has been in your yesterdays. But just because you have been through, see and or feel the hell, it does not mean it is the whole of you; or all that will ever be. When we are consumed by hurt, also known as anger and fear, it can be hard to breathe in or believe in anything other than the moments, feelings and the BLAH of hell. The power of the things that we hold to be true, especially what we say to ourselves, grows in strength when we fail to recognize every part of us; the anything and the everything that we are, have been or will be. Sometime warriors are found within us when we need them; whether they stand for a very short period of time or a long one. It can be challenging to remember or even to recognize the value of our heavenly moments and parts; especially when they seem small or inconsequential in comparison to the more easily seen “f” ones or pieces. One of the consequences of adversity is the failure to treat the heaven and the hell equally on the inside as well as the outside of us. Those moments when the sometime warrior stands are the times we should accept the proof of its existence; no matter how fleeting its appearance may be. The real truth is that just because someone is fractured, whether an addict or not, it does not mean that a sometime warrior doesn’t live on the inside. Have you ever seen the one that breathes within you? A part of sobriety can be found in the changing of the thought processes that have been created during the use of substances; or even prior to. By challenging the negativity, the pain, the anger or the anxiety that you feel, you can move away from the parts that feed the hell; and step towards the place where you can just be. Because you do have heaven and hell within you, you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you but never to deny any of them; as its detrimental to your wellbeing. What if in a moment like this, you apologized to yourself for forgetting that while you do bring hell, you also bring heaven; whether realized or not? The art of living in heavell means walking on your trail, moving in circles at times, being a sometime warrior, a “f” moment maker, feeling the BLAH and doing all of that and more every day; working to find the beauty no matter where you are in whatever moment you are. So take the hand of courage as well as the hand of fear and breathe in brave because while the loudest part in you may be addiction, it’s not all that you are; just take it one part at a time. I’m not it even though I believe in your hell and your real truth; because it matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of all of you.
We have a rule in our house that each of us must do everything we can in order to help ourselves; laying down is an option as long as standing happens periodically. Ryan’s drug use was an attempt to help himself; justified but detrimental to his wellbeing. Since his passing, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all that has been in the yesterdays. There are a lot of moments and things that I did right, wrong and everything else in between. The knowledge of all of it is important because its a part of who I am; as well as who I will become. It is not meant to destroy me but to bring forth that which needs to be seen and dealt with; accepted or changed. So what if you are an addict? Figure out what came first for you; the addiction or the pain. You may be justified in the things that you have done but that doesn’t make them right; especially for you. Use the knowledge that you have today and step forward in doing everything you can to help yourself. Because you do have a sometime warrior within you, if you fall, you will stand for a moment or for a long time or everything else in between. It is up to you whether addiction continues to be a hell like no other or if it becomes your superpower. I am still crying over the loss of Ryan but I am also smiling and laughing about him as well; because he was a student, a teacher, an addict, beautiful and so very heavell. Please stand by as hope exists because of the sometime warriors; just as heaven and hell live because you do.
Thank you Blake for allowing me to use your photos in last week’s and this week’s blog. See you soon.
Do people make consequences or do consequences make people? That question is something that Ryan had asked me to think about a couple of weeks before he became ill. He wrote that thought on a piece of paper and left it on a tray for me to look at when I had a moment. I found it a week after he died; along with several other slips of paper with questions or statements that he had written. In life we are taught that consequences result from the choices that we make; but that belief would be a green truth. There are often moments where people make choices that result in outcomes for someone other than themselves; whether an addict or not. Addiction itself is not a choice but rather the repercussion of substance utilization; regardless of the how or the why that use was created. No one aspires to have it or to hold it but it happens everyday; because no one knows if he or she will become dependent until the day that it becomes the reality. One of the things that Ryan had said about his drug use is that he had wanted to prove to his dad, a recovering addict, that substances could be stopped; if one chose to do so. His heart had been in the right place in his desire to save his dad but as he discovered for himself, addiction has never ever been that simple. Ryan’s actions ended up effecting many people just as many people had impacted him; throughout his life with their own choices. Was the end results proof that he had made the ramifications in his life or that they had made him? The real truth is that the answer contains both as well as so much more; because a part can never equal a whole. When hell comes through people, places, things, traumas, “f” moments or the BLAH, it can effect every part on the inside of us; feeding the hell within. Ryan had been completely justified in his use of substances in order to avoid the pain that he had felt from the moments of the all that had been in the yesterdays; even though it had been detrimental to his wellbeing. The understanding of both sides of that part, the heaven and the hell, took years for us to find. What is hidden in the shadows, in the those little boxes of feelings, can be hard to see and hear; whether an addict or not. What if in a moment like this you were to love, hate, accept or change every part of you; because you are the perfect person to do so? What if you were to see that as you are, you are justified in how you feel and have coped; but that you will continue to walk in circles as long as you feed the hell? Whether we are talking about addiction, people, places, things or the BLAH, we have to take it one part at a time. If we hope to transfer hurt, also known as anger and fear, into understanding then we cannot continue to repeat what brought us here in the first place. A tree can bring down a forest just as a part can bring down a whole; because on the circle of heavell, every single piece and dream matters.
A couple of days ago I was in the drive through at a MacDonald’s when I saw a young man at the intersection who was repeatedly crossing the street, talking to himself and waving his arms around. As I waited for my order to be completed, I overheard a man who was standing near my vehicle as he spoke with a 911 operator; he was describing the behavior of the erratic young man. Imagine, if you will, what your perspective of that young man would be. Would you believe that he is on the streets as the end result of his choices; such as using substances? Would you feel sorrow that yet another dream is in hell? Or believe he is a victim of the consequences created through the behaviors of others? As it was, that young man was behaving in that manner because of the confusion within his state of mental health; his to have and to hold even though he never aspired to do so. Literally he was walking in circles because he had no idea what to do or how to step forward; not unlike an addict or even a non-addict. The manager of that MacDonald’s insisted that because he had been aggressive in trying to take food, that he was in fact an addict; assuring me that he had a lot of knowledge on the subject. That manager’s perception was created from the moments in his life but unfortunately when we only see one part of the anything and the everything, we tend to feed the hell; being a part of the problem rather than the solution. Simply this young man in his slippers, who had mannerisms that are known to evoke anxiety and judgement in others, was in need of food and a drink on a very hot day. The real truth is that fear, anxiety, hurt, the BLAH and judgement have the ability to take a moment and propel it towards the possibility of serious trauma; that can have far reaching effects whether realized or not. That young man was unaware that he was impacting others and they were unconscious of their influence on his state of being as well. I purchased a meal for him and explained that his behaviors were causing concern in others. I will never forget the look on his face as he apologized to me and to the MacDonald’s employee standing next to me; who had insisted on following me outside in order to ensure my safety. I will also not forget the look on that employee’s face as she realized that the young man was not what he had appeared to be. What is in your words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? Do you feed the hell on the inside or on the outside? What would you want people to know about you; that judgement has prevented others from recognizing? I want you to know that I am and will always be the mother of a heroin addict, a sometime warrior, an “f” moment maker as well as so much more; but you cannot see any of that on the outside of me. Ryan was a contemplator of world issues, incredibly forgiving, a survivor of all that had been in the yesterdays and a sometime warrior; forever lost to those who never took the time to get to know all of him. If people are going to survive what has become theirs to have and to hold, then we literally need to take this one part at a time; because addiction or the BLAH has never ever been the result of nor will it be fixed by just one part.
Mental health issues have become a serious crisis in the world; effecting elementary children at an alarming rate. Those challenges include anxiety and depression; not just the ones that we normally associate with mental suffering. Pain, whether from the inside, the outside or both, is a part of substance abuse and as such must be dealt with. Another part of Ryan’s sobriety was found in doing everything he could in order to deal with the all that had been in the yesterdays; working with several amazing counselors. What if you were to ask yourself if you are happy? Do you even know what your emotional definition of that word is; not what others or a dictionary define it as? Addiction is a hell like no other but it also has the ability to become a superpower that allows you to love, hate, accept or change all of you; rather than deny or hide or be judged for some of your parts. Please hold on because you can find beauty no matter where you are; as long as you take it one part at a time. As you are, you are the perfect person to be the heavell keeper of your life.
Thank you Ryan for the lessons; especially the ones brought through your addiction. This still “fucking sucks” but we are learning to laugh at the stories of your antics as often as we cry over the ending of a sometime warrior; because you are the reason we had to learn to take it one part at a time.
We often can be found waiting for others to change into what we want, need or believe they should be; whether an addict or not. It can be a lonely and painful place to just be in because, no matter what we hope for, the act of becoming different can only occur when others choose to do so; by looking into the mirror and discovering their heavell for themselves. Both Ryan and I have been in that place many times over the years while standing on opposite sides as a parent and a child and as an addict and a non-addict; or even as people who have seen and felt different things. Imagine, if you will, that you and your family are standing in a circle. Your view from your position determines your perspective of the anything and the everything of the all that has been. That frame of reference of yours, while important, is only one part of the whole; that also includes different and or similar opinions from the other parts. The weight of and the perspective of those moments are then determined by the emotional definitions that are found in the heart of each beholder; who are standing on that circle. If a person is expressing, on the outside what is on the inside, through substance abuse or the BLAH, that individual’s perception is a key piece of how the hell came to be; for that part on the circle. Throughout the yesterdays I had assumed, or perhaps even expected, that Ryan, Ashlee and Taylor would accept my view as the one that spoke the real truth; it was for me but not necessarily for any of them. They had not aspired to have or to hold addiction in their life just as they had not dreamed of seeing and feeling life through my perceptions; nor the opinions of anyone other than themselves. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What if in a moment like this you were to say “I am sorry” to yourself for not believing that your feelings are an important part of the whole; both the one on the inside of yourself as well as the one on the outside? What if you were to acknowledge the value of the emotional definitions of others; for giving you the opportunity to see another view of yourself and them? It’s up to you if you will keep waiting right where you are or if you will breathe in brave and step forward on the trail in your heavell; even if you are scared or the only one who does it.
I realized some time ago that I knew the dictionary definition of the word change but that I didn’t actually know what it meant to me; how it felt on the inside. I had adapted to many moments over the years, sometimes well and at other times not, but I couldn’t really say that I had ever worked at changing me; believing that it wasn’t necessary for me to do so. In the yesterdays, Ryan and I continued to repeat the same behaviors day after day, achieving the same outcome every time, despite the hope that each day would be different. I had wanted Ryan to do the anything and the everything that he could in order to be okay. I wasn’t able to perceive, however, what that would mean for him; especially on the inside. It simply isn’t enough to expect someone to just stop doing something; when the reasons why they have been are hidden in the shadows. What I did know was that, in order to understand the necessary transformation, I should not ask him to do something that I wasn’t willing to do myself; the all that I could so that I would be okay. That was the beginning of the discovery of how to save a part with the help of other parts; on the inside as well as the outside. It also brought the real truth that while I do convey heaven, I also bring hell; whether I have meant to do so or not. Ryan and I really were very much alike; and as such I had the ability to lead him to choose to change through my evolving. It has been, and still is, a long, arduous trail that has included triumphs as well as falls; it is a place to step forward or to walk in circles. I have had to learn to listen to what Ryan, and his sisters, have felt through the all that has been in the yesterdays. I have had to hear their truth, as it carried the weight of the world for them, without breathing it into my heart. I have also had to learn to speak about what I need and what I can or cannot do; simply without the complications of justification. My behaviors are within my control and I am the only one who can take responsibility for them; as it is for each of us. We feed the hell when we hold others accountable for our choices even though there is an understanding of the influence that others can and do bring; lifting up and or destroying us. While I cannot undo what has been done, I can choose to do this differently today and into the tomorrows; being aware of the heavell that is within my control. The “f” moments, hell, trauma, pain or even the BLAH are not things that anyone ever dreams of having or holding but they happen every day; sometimes in secret and at other times very publicly. So what? They are parts of us but they can never be the whole of us; unless we allow a part or some parts to be all that is seen and felt. Addiction started as a terrible and lonely place to just be but it has evolved into a super power; allowing me, as well as my children, to be circles of heavell rather than illusions of perfection. Who or what are you waiting for? Why not be the change that you believe others need to be? Please stand by because you have the gift to choose what you continue to repeat or what you transform; one part at a time.
What is your emotional definition of the phrase “I am sorry”? What do they express of you and to you? They are three of the hardest words to say to ourselves as well as to others; because within them is a vulnerability that none us really want to feel or a position to be seen in. They are most often associated with an admission of guilt; whether an addict or not. Rather than being an indication of wrong doing though, those words are the acknowledgement that someone is or was hurt; as felt in the heart of the beholder through his or her emotional definitions. That phrase contains some of the most powerful words in the world; able to fed the hell and or the heaven. There are times when we do things that are not intended to harm others but the results is that they do bring pain; they are not personal even if they feel like they are. There can also be moments in which things are done intentionally as a conscious choice to harm; but the truth lies in what is “normal” for the person who does it. Pain, also known as anger, fear and hurt, feeds the feeling that addiction, as well as the anything and the everything that is involved with it, is personal. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside as an indication of what is in need of being seen; and also dealt with. When I look back on the years of Ryan’s addiction, I mistook his behaviors as being personal; conscious of how they affected me rather than what he was conveying through them. He, in turn, took my actions as being a statement that people, places, things or myself meant more than he did. I had felt that he was choosing drugs over me; because betrayal is another part of feeling hurt on the inside from the moments that happen on the outside of ourselves. At times we do not intend for there to be harm while at other times we actually choose to create suffering. If the results are that someone was or is hurt, especially if that was not the objective, it should be easy enough to say I am sorry; but it has never been that simple. It is possible to acknowledge the feelings of others even if we cannot undo what has been done; or will be done. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? How about your actions and reactions? Is your intent to harm or are you unaware that you are capable of lifting up and or destroying; yourself as well as others? I am sorry that you are here in this place; whether an addict or not. We, however, cannot transfer anger into understanding unless we find the value of those three powerful words on the inside as well as the outside of ourselves; and the anything and the everything that is a part of them.
In the past year of Ryan’s life, but especially in the last few months, he had used the words “I am sorry” frequently with me. He had shared many of the moments that had destroyed him in the prior years but the yesterdays of this past year contained solely his regrets for his behaviors and words; for having lost his way on the trail in heavell. When we are able to give a voice to the pain, it is easier to find the understanding of the full circle of heavell that we each are; although hearing the suffering, even with the use of the apples known judgement and denial, is never easy. Those three powerful words have the capacity to help each of us find the beauty no matter where we are; but especially when we are in hell. Another part of Ryan’s sobriety occurred through the vulnerability of seeing how he had affected himself as well as others; the real truth found in the mirror. In order for him to do that, I had to listen to his perspective of all that had been for him; while not breathing his words into my heart. He had always been so much more than just an addict; regardless of the strength of those moments of substance abuse. The power of the pain, or the hell, is fed when people feel unheard and devalued: on the inside as well as the outside. Both Ryan and I, as well as many others, failed to treat the heaven and the hell in him equally; leading to the rise of the hell. He had believed that he was in that place long before he turned to substance abuse to silence his little boxes of feelings. The perception of the moments had been determined by Ryan and as such carried the weight of the world for him; regardless of the opinions of others and or their value of them. In order to solve a problem, a trauma, the pain, the BLAH or even addiction, the heaven and the hell are both a necessity on the circle of heavell; because they exist together. By finding his voice, those moments no longer had the strength to destroy him; finding within him the mercy for all that had been. He realized that, whether those moments had been personal or not, they had been a reflection of what was on the inside of others; and not an expression of what he deserved. Addiction brings a hell that no one aspires to have or to hold but within it are the super powers that belong to sometime warriors who stand and fall; whether an addict or not. As you are, you are the perfect person to be and bring heavell; even if you appear to be or believe that you are solely one or just the other. What if in a moment like this, you chose to breathe in brave and say “I am sorry” to yourself; for being in the place that you are? For failing to treat the heaven and the hell equally on the inside of you; as well as on the outside? I’m not it because if I were, my feelings would be all that you need in order to love, hate, accept or change every part of you; but then you wouldn’t be you. I am sorry but a part or some parts can never equal a whole; except in the green truth. It matters not, though, what I say but what you do with the knowledge of you; whether you are an addict or not. Hold on to all of you because you are better together than you have been or could ever be as a part; or even just some parts.
To Molly: Thank you for taking Ryan with you and your friend on your trek up Mount La Plata in Colorado; as well as the photo of you holding his picture at the top of that mountain. He loved hiking so it is amazing that you honored your brother by conquering your first 14,000 summit. Wherever you go, he will go, as you carry him with you into the tomorrows. Thank you for sharing a special moment in your life with him; as well as us.
Recent Comments