One of the most challenging parts of addiction is in remembering who you are as a circle of heavell instead of just being that perfect person to be and to bring hell; for yourself as well as others. What words do you feel best describe you today? What about in the yesterdays? Do they contain the heaven as well as the hell of you? The moments, the traumas and even the BLAH are a part of what makes each of us who we are; the only ones. They bring the lessons that we can learn from in order to be lifted up; rather than to be destroyed by the “f” moments that can be found within all of us. What has been done cannot be undone but we can understand those things as being a part of our creation; after all sometime warriors and superpowers have never been needed in heaven. I am me and you are you while each of us is doing and not doing what we should or shouldn’t in any given moment; as circles of heavell. You may feel justified in seeing and feeling your hell but remember you have always been so much more than that; it’s alright that you have forgotten who you are. Can you accept and love yourself as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person; even though that has never ever been an easy thing to do? Please hold on as you take this one moment, part, breath, step and fall at a time; whether an addict or not. Here’s to the yesterdays, to today and to the tomorrows that bring all of you; and nothing less.
During Ryan’s substance abuse, over the course of many years, he often had excuses for his behaviors; feeling justified in what he did because of the all that had been in his life. As his sobriety grew through walking in circles, steps and falls, his attempts to deflect his responsibility for his part transformed into an understanding of the hell that he had brought. The green truth is that each of us has our reasons for the anything and the everything that has been said or done or not. The real truth, though, is that those explanations hold the understanding of the how, the why and the what that came to be on the inside of each of us. They are the perspectives that can be seen from our position; sharing them through behaviors and words. Ryan would often tell me “You know mom, I never meant to do those things.” He had been a completely different person while using substances; just as I was in my attempts to stop it. He was in part an addict, at times the loudest voice within him, but he was also so much more than that; just like you. I am me and you are you and Ryan was who he was unless words, behaviors and substances are used to keep us chained in hell; through ourselves and or others. Sometime warriors who have superpowers that also fall down can only be found in a place that challenges all of us to do this better; on the inside as well as the outside. Beauty lives and breathes no matter where we are but seeing it requires being the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part; but never to deny any of them. Here’s to the all of you and nothing less as the heavell keeper of your life; to have and to hold whether you want it or not.
It has been almost 4 months since Ryan died. I never know when or how or what will trigger me; appearing out of no where at times. No one, even if someone else has been here, can do this for me; just like you. The challenge for me is to find the understanding, the beauty, that is hidden in the shadows in this place; just like you. I will step and fall while walking in circles on this trail in hell; just like you. I am scared as well as brave; just like you. I will bring the all of me and nothing less; just like you. So what? You shouldn’t be here nor should I but then life has always been so very heavell; just like us.
We often define ourselves and or others as only being a part; or some parts. When we or others remind us of those things in ways that destroy us, rather than lifts us up to do this better, they then can become all that we see; and feel. The real truth is that the hell in and around our lives is a part of the cause of angels falling; whether an addict or not. How we cope with the all that has been in the yesterdays, or even today, holds what may be or will continue to be in the tomorrows; often ensuring that we will walk in circles. It is simple enough to know how others affect us but the challenge is to find the understanding of what is being expressed through the words and the behaviors of someone else. Words, as well as the personal emotional definitions tied to them, are the most powerful weapons that each of us has; able to do damage on the inside as well as the outside of us. What moment or part or behavior are you defined as being; by you and or others? Are you so very heavell or are you merely just what is easily seen? I am me but you will never know that if you choose to only conclude what you want to view or to deal with. You are you and I believe in your hell; while also knowing that heaven lives and breathes there too. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may both recognize more than just what we see and believe; from our positions on the circle of heavell. After all, we are the perfect people to be sometime warriors and to also have “f” moments while feeling brave and scared with every step and or fall.
This past weekend I was down an aisle in a store when I overheard a conversation between a mother and her young son; a couple of siblings stood nearby. That son had asked his mother if he could have a toy. I listened as she told him that he could not have anything because “he was bad”; while encouraging the other two children to pick out toys. One of them, the youngest in the group, tried to speak to his brother about the toy choice he had made. As that “bad” son sat on the floor quietly ignoring his sibling, his mother then began to berate him for not acknowledging his younger brother. Her words contained the power that, no matter what he did, he was only hell; as well as not entitled to any of his own feelings. The emotions on his face spoke volumes; despite never saying a word. The oldest sibling of the group apparently had been watching me as I moved back and forth trying to find what I needed; and said something to her mother about me. When I finally found what I was looking for, I walked to the front to check out. This is a store I happen to frequent so the cashier and I were having a conversation on the behaviors of others; one he just happened to initiate with me. As I relayed my opinion that words are the most powerful weapons that we have, I turned to see that mother standing near me; listening to our exchange. Have you ever been told that you are “bad”? Or perhaps have used that word? How did it feel in your heart; whether said or heard? What does it mean to you? I am me and you are you and that boy is who he is unless words are used to define who we are; in detrimental ways on the inside as well as the outside. In a moment, I saw the all and the nothing, the fracturing, in the face of that child; one whose tomorrow may include a fall in order to run from the pain that was created in the yesterdays. Words have the ability to create the victims that can and do grow up to be the monsters in the tomorrows; whether an addict or not.
One of things that Ryan had been working on, right prior to his death, had been why people or things are either all or nothing; especially as decided by others. He had certainly been treated that way by several people; even by some of the people in his personal life. Ironically those people wanted him to stop being an addict and yet they would never allow him to be anything other than that; the all and the nothing. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? There are many ways to get to the place that we need to be but none of them involve feeding the hell. Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers so that hope will continue to be a part of a better tomorrow; because every dream matters whether here or not.
What is your emotional definition of the word perfect? What do you believe others feel about it? The word holds the meaning that something, someone, a place or even the BLAH is flawless. The question, then, is how is the ultimate of the anything and or the everything decided; especially within ourselves? Each of us stands in an essential position on the circle of heavell; seeing, feeling and believing what is within our view. By sharing and hearing those perspectives, we can find understanding within each of us for all the other parts of our circles; both on the inside and the outside. We can also be aware that each perspective has the power to lift up and or destroy; separately and together. It is important that we speak and listen in order to discover, grow and solve; but equally important is not to replace our own worth with the value found at someone else’s position; or to be defined by a part of ourselves. Life can be more painful than anyone else can possibly perceive of; even if there are similar experiences. When a key view is hidden or even lost, a fracture will occur that weakens that place; as well as the whole circle. Based on the definition of perfect, anyone who falls, has “f” moments or BLAH can never ever be idyllic and yet sometime warriors are not created in heaven; or even in the appearance of it. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What do they mean to you? To them? There’s a place that you’ve got to go to in order to see what’s going on; its on the inside. As you are, you are the perfect person, the only you, who knows every single piece of yourself; but especially the ones lost or hidden in the shadows. As such, you are the most valuable part at your position on the circle of heavell; and we need you there telling us what you see and feel.
The problem with the concept of perfect, especially the one decided by others, is that it often doesn’t lift us up. Rather it encourages us to believe that only some are able to have and to hold it; even when it’s an illusion. The real truth is that perfection does not exist without flaws; just as heaven does not exist without hell. There will always be moments in which each of us will do or be or not the things we should or shouldn’t; in manners that are flawless as well as incorrect. If you hold on, no matter the time frame, you have done it perfectly for you in that period; but it may need to change in the next one. If you fall, be amazed at what it took to do that; because never ever has that been a simple thing to do to a sometime warrior. Find what you love about you, that moment or the BLAH and take the next daring, possibly imperfect, step. Just being so very heavell means that you will always be surrounded by a perfectly, irritatingly, messy, sometime warrior that has “f” moments; while being a dream and a nightmare. Wherever you go, it will all go with you because it’s how you came to be. So what? What if you were to look in the mirror and say “There you are!”; especially in the moments when you feel alone? What if you were to take courage by the hand and lead it to the place that you’ve got to go to; because you are the only who can? You have always been so much more than just a part so get loud in the all of you. Please stand by because the hope is that you will become the idyllic person for you; giving a voice to your little boxes of feelings. It only takes a moment to feed the hell; but it also requires just a moment to see the beauty no matter where you are. Its all right that you have forgotten who you are; hurt, trauma, fear, anger and the BLAH can cause that. As the beholder of an essential position, you are the perfect person to just be the heavell keeper of your life; loving, hating, accepting or changing every single part of you.
Are you so very heavell with a part of you in addiction or are you only an addict with just a piece in heavell? As you are, what you believe you see in the mirror has the power to lift up or to destroy your ability to just be you; a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person. When we breathe in what we hate and or hurts us, our perception on the inside and the outside is altered; to the detriment of ourselves as well as others. The green truth encourages us to focus on one person, place, thing, substance or part as being where the problem can be found; and also where the solution resides. The real truth is that many objects, moments, pieces, BLAHS and more live within us and around us; each bringing something in and taking something out. Because we are not made of or defined by only one of those, it is essential that we include all of them; seeing them as the contributors to the obstacles as well as the resolutions. Just as an addict must think of and do all the things necessary in order to stop the use of substances, he or she must also reflect on all the ways that addiction came to be on the inside; and has continued to live there. What then do you know about yourself; that is merely one of the clues to you being all right? In a garden or in you, the weeds or the hell desire to grow as much as the flowers or the heaven. If one has become the strongest part of you, then its up to you to deal with the all that has been or that will be; by picking your own weeds while smelling your own flowers. You are the only one who has come together as you have; making your perspective imperative as a factor in the problems and the solutions. What if in a moment like this you were to own your hell; rather than continue to allow it to have and to hold you? Because in life, there you are as the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change all of your parts; even the ones that have been denied, forgotten or hidden in the shadows.
While fear can impede our ability to speak, it also can be the driving force behind finding a voice; the heaven and the hell of it. Even when the truth is spoken, there are no guarantees that it will be received well by others; or have the ability to create the change that we hope for. Seventeen years ago Ashlee spoke of her fearfulness for her boyfriend’s return to drug use. She breathed in brave and went to Matt’s home to speak with his mother while he was out; sharing what she knew and was scared of. After she told him that she could not be with him if he used substances, Matt promised her that he was going to party for one last time that same night. He died a few hours later from an accidental overdose; having aspirated in his sleep. Fear and courage walk hand in hand but also nearby is guilt for the moments when we believe we did not do this well enough; whether an addict or not. Seen or not, everyone and everything brings something in and takes something out in any given moment. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? There is no one better than you to speak for you; especially of your perspective from your position. Take your life by the hand rather than continue to allow it to take your hand; deciding what you can or cannot have or be. Embrace the “f” moments because we don’t learn if we don’t make them; and admit to having them. We don’t stand if we don’t fall; because there would be no reason to. We also wouldn’t have our sometime warriors; without the moments that challenge us with fear and devastation. So what if one of the most powerful things in this world, addiction, brought you down? With the super power of being the only you, you are the perfect person to eventually stand in that hell; and become who you were always meant to be. We need you in your position otherwise we will continue to be fractured; missing the essential parts that hold some of the keys to the problems and the solutions. After all, there you are being so very heavell in a world where everyone else is also being that; while laying down, walking in circles, falling, standing, stepping and sometimes just being in a place we don’t want to be.
Everyone, no matter who he or she is, brings something in and takes something out in any given moment. What appears to be is never all that there is; no matter what we think we know or use as judgement. Each single part or person has a perspective that is essential; and as such must be seen as well as heard. One of the hardest undertakings is to acknowledge that full view of the all that has been; rather than to just know the one found at our own position. When addiction effects our lives, we become the perfect people to bring the hell by becoming overwhelmed with the hurt, the fear and the anger. It is easy enough to understand that the actions of others, especially those of addicts, effect us; as well as themselves in detrimental ways. What can be challenging is to realize that not all addicts are created equally despite addiction’s ability to love everyone across the board. Because of that, we cannot continue to expect that there is one thing that contributed to it or that will solve it or that all addicts must do exactly the same thing in order to overcome it. In fact the cycle of addiction, throughout the many, many years of its existence, has proven that as it evolves, we must as well in order to prevent the continued feeding of the hell; also known as feeding the growth of addiction. Just because things have been done in the past does not mean that we should continue with them today; especially since the how, the why, the when and the what have changed vastly. Whether an addict or not, find what you love in all the places that are available on the inside as well as the outside; in order to breathe in brave while laying down or walking in circles. None of us have come into addiction as solely a part and we cannot leave it as only a part either. If the loudest part is the hell, then turn and look in the mirror. Be amazed by the work and the creativity that’s gone into the creation of you; as well as the power that it took to cause you to fall. You are the perfect person to be different on the days that seem to be the same; because life, as well as addiction, has never ever been that simple. Please hold on as another moment is coming and it just might be all right.
During this past week, a dear childhood friend of Ryan’s found his sometime warrior on the inside in order to help his friend who had lost his way. He and his sister have already lost several friends to heroin over-doses; choosing to stand in hopes that one will be lifted up. Also during this time, a mother in a store line broke down while telling a stranger that her son is a heroin addict. Within her words “it’s killing me as well as him” is the weight of the world; as felt in the heart of the beholder and as such is not open to judgement. Both of those moments contained fear and courage. Each also possessed heaven as well hell; as someone fell and another stood. We should also be aware of the stranger in line and the others who perceived of these views on the circle of heavell with kindness and grace; rather than just seeing their own. We can grieve for the fear, the suffering, the loneliness and the loss but we must also find happiness in the discovery of voices and sometime warriors; as well as the compassion and the acknowledgment of others. We all, whether an addict or not, need support as we do and don’t do the things that we should and shouldn’t. We need the moments where hope comes out of the shadows and helps us to breathe in brave; especially when fear has a hold of our hand instead of the other way around. It is easy enough to find what we hate within ourselves as well as others; to judge and to justify. The challenge is to find what we love; giving it the equal consideration that it deserves. We are either a part of the problem or a part of the solution. One requires us to remain the same and the other demands change; if we are scared to then we should just say so. It’s up to us whether we continue to feed the hell or we choose to feed the heaven; knowing that one is detrimental to all and the other has the ability to lift the fallen. What if in a moment like this you were to accept that you are so very heavell; even on the days that seem to be the same? What if you were to realize that from your position, you have always had the ability to see both the heaven and the hell; of the anything and the everything? Its just never ever been that simple to find what we love when we spend so much time breathing in what we hate.
One of the most powerful things that we can ever give to others is the gift of a hug; through our words, our silence when they speak or physically as they lay fallen from the weight of the world. Find what speaks to your heart as you go through this; not just the people, places, things or substances that agree with your hell but will help you find the beauty that lives everywhere. There are many wonderful groups out there so bring something in and take something out; until you find the one or the many that help you breathe. One group that continues to fight for change in how we see and deal with addiction is wethevillage.co; a place where the loved ones of addicts can find and give a hug, as well as a vast array of information, through an online community that’s open 24/7. Find them at their website at http://www.wethevillage.co/ or on Instagram @wethevillage.co or village on Facebook
You shouldn’t be here but you are so just know that you are not alone; whether an addict or not. Together we can stand in Heavell.
We take with us, wherever we go, the anything and the everything that has happened in our lives; the chains that bind us as well as the hope and the happiness. What is on the inside cannot be seen except when it is expressed on the outside; as a view into what is in need of being dealt with and or celebrated. I have been surprised by how many times my grief has suddenly appeared and overwhelmed me; especially when I have thought I was all right or the situation was. There are days, moments and even the BLAH, when I don’t want to do this well; for myself and or for others. I imagine that Ryan went through similar things in his attempts to be sober as well as in not wanting to be; the difficulty of all of it lies solely in the heart of the beholder. The understanding of why some days are so much harder than other ones escapes me at this point; particularly if those days appear to be the same as the other ones. The real truth is that there is no person, place, thing, substance, words or the BLAH that I can hide with or in that will keep the suffering from seeking me; tricks are not just for drugs as they belong to pain as well. Ryan told me that “If an addict tells you that he or she is sober or is staying so because of you, it is a lie. The day will come when you will not be enough to keep him or her from falling; particularly if the all that has been has not been dealt with.” I can perceive of that statement as I walk in circles while standing and laying down in any given moment; doing and not doing what I should or shouldn’t regardless of others. The misery, which has become the loudest part within me, has pushed my other pieces into the shadows; especially that sometime warrior of mine. Ryan, as an addict, and I, as a non-addict, were really alike even though we stood in different positions on the circle of heavell. When our little boxes of feelings become deafening it can be hard to distinguish anything other than the hell. What if you were to be amazed by some of your parts being loud enough to thrust your heaven parts right into the shadows; seemingly lost and yet still there? What if you were to realize that for better or for worse, all of it is yours to have and to hold; as the heavell keeper of your life? After all you did not step into heaven or into hell or even into addiction as a part and you are not leaving as one either.
I was asked to speak about Ryan at his memorial in Kansas City for approximately two to four minutes. I laughed when I heard the time frame because I don’t think I have ever spoken about anything for such a short period of time. However, one of the ways that I have been affected by his death has been through the loss of my words or rather my voice; as it pertains to speaking. It’s not that I don’t talk but rather that I have changed in the how, the when, the why and even the if I do at all. Simply I have lost one of the strongest parts of me to the shadows; through the trauma as well as the BLAH. This is an unfamiliar and uncomfortable place for me to just be in; even with the knowledge of being justified in doing and feeling so. It’s not easy being in a place where, no matter what you do, you cannot undo what has been done; nor get away from the suffering and the fear that comes with it. I am reminded of the line that was said by one of my favorite addicts: “I just don’t want to feel the pain” It’s amazing how effortless that thought comes to mind; along with the understanding as to why no one would ever want to feel the hell. I am also now aware of why it was never that straightforward for Ryan to just do as I said or to hold on even in the days that seemed to be okay; as I haven’t been able to do so either. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else says to me because its my feelings that have brought me to this place; and its mine that I will be taking with me if and when I am eventually able to step forward. Life has always been more than just words as it is filled with moments that invoke emotions that are not always describable through them. When we lose our hope, as parts or moments envelope us, it can be all but impossible to hold on; whether an addict or not. What if you were to say “I am sorry” to yourself; because you deserve that kindness, at the very least, from yourself? What if you were to understand that what has been, is and was powerful enough to cause you, an angel, a dream, to fall; but while lost, you are still there hiding in the shadows? If today seems to be okay but you are not feeling strong, that’s all right because neither am I. In the yesterdays, as well as what will be in the tomorrows, are all of our “f” moments that have contained the failures, the fun and everything else in between. We are the perfect people to bring, be and feel the heaven and the hell in life. As such each of us holds a position on the circle of heavell that is essential to it being whole; rather than being fractured with only some parts. Lets look in the mirror and be amazed by the amount of work and creativity that has gone into each of us; in any given moment, trauma and or celebrations.
Recent Comments