Each of us have and hold our own stories as perceived from our positions. Our words, feelings, moments and even the BLAH belong solely to each of us; carrying the weight of the world or not in the heart of each beholder. We are effected by the people, places and things that are on the outside of us; just as we impact what is on the outside of ourselves. It is easy enough to believe we know what the reactions should be to the all that has been; especially when that perception is seen from the outside. However, the things that come into contact with our parts can and do create pain on the inside; the place for it to just be. Do you know, today, what you will do differently with your fear; whether an addict or not? Can you find an understanding for that hell; even for what is hidden in the shadows? Is it possible for you to be amazed at what it has taken to create that mess within you? Are you able to view more than what appears to be the strongest part? What if in this perfect moment you were to realize “Who I am” is while laughing, crying, being afraid and courageous as a whole? Just as we keep adding to our parts with more and more moments, we also chain all of the feelings that have been created by them. It can seem impossible to go through all that has been but there are often essential moments, from the yesterdays, that carry the weight of the world for us. They affect the anything and the everything that is similar and or different; whether we intend them to or not. We may want for others to hear us but the real truth is that we have to notice how our words feel on the inside of us; listening to and experiencing the emotions that they hold within our own hearts. The reason why each of us can only go through in our matter time is because of those personal emotional definitions; specific to our individual so very heavell lives. It matters not what part you see in the mirror, such as an addict or real life princess or student or parent or even the BLAH, but what you feel in every part of you; from the fabulous right down to the failures. As the heavell keeper of your life, the story of “Who I am” can only be told by you; as well as dealt with through you. Please hold on because you have always been so much more than just a part; no matter how big or small those “f” moments may be. I believe in your hell and I see your heaven but then that is “Who I am”. I will just be waiting right here while you get loud in the all of you.
Ryan wrote, on the center of a piece of paper, the words “Who I am”. All around that title were the words that he believed described the all of him; as felt in the heart of the beholder. The honesty of those descriptive words showed what place he had been in when he wrote them; having found an understanding for his hell and the belief in his little bit of heaven once again. It’s simple enough to be an illusion of perfection, to hide the real truth, but it is has never ever been easy to see the so very heavell individuals that we each are; nor to admit that we are the perfect people to bring hell to ourselves and or others. It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are; whether an addict or not. The view becomes complicated by the things that are on the outside but especially by what is on the inside of us; making it difficult to step. If you are aware of the pain, find the beauty by locating the understanding for how you came to be in the place that you are; and breathe in brave. What has been done cannot be undone but we do not have to continue to feed the hell. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? They are more than just the description of people, places and things. They have and hold every moment and feeling of you. They are a view into the story of “Who I am”; especially of what has been in the yesterdays. You need to hear and feel you; in order to remove the strength of what hurts. No amount of altering, hiding or denying will ever change the real truth of that; whether an addict or not. Here’s to your sometime warrior, “f” moments, pain, beauty and as the perfect person to love, hate, accept and change every part of you. Please hold on because tomorrow will be here soon and the view just might become clearer once you get loud in the “Who I am”; also known as the all of you.
Heavell will be taking a leave over the holidays for two weeks. We are going to take this time to take Ryan on some adventures that he had wanted to do; getting loud in who he was for him. We are going to laugh, cry, be afraid and have courage while continuing to learn how to step. Being without him in our lives is an unbelievable hell but having had him also holds so many moments of heaven. Today will be the same as yesterday if we focus on only a part or only have heavenly expectations in a life that is so very heavell; for each of us. No matter what has happened in the yesterdays, we have to treat all of it equally. We hope that you will find the beauty that can be located wherever you are; because its simply you regardless of what is on the outside. Laugh until your stomach hurts, cry for what has hurt and be kind as you step, walk in circles and fall along the trail. Please hold on as an essential part of the circle of heavell; a story that can only be told from your position. Every dream matters whether here or not. See you soon in the next year. Love, Heavell
In order to take steps, we have to have some idea of what we expect to achieve or at the very least have a thought on where we want to go. What happens, though, when what we want or hope for is complicated by not only what is on the outside of ourselves but also by what is on the inside? Substances give the illusion that they are the problem but the real truth is that they are only one of the parts of the circle of that hell. Both addiction and sobriety contain beginnings and endings. They each also hold destruction and lifting up, fear and courage, as well as light and darkness. It has always been easier to focus on what is directly in front of us, especially when concrete, but often what we view is only the start; of what we have yet to discover along the trail. In the beginning of using substances, no one imagines that in the tomorrows they will become an addict; seeing only what is currently in front of them or the need of it. At the start of sobriety, it is all but impossible to conceive of being someone who no longer holds the very thing that has been defining him or her. Both also contain pain in the early stages as the altering of one’s self begins; for the better or for the worse. But whether sober or not, stepping or walking in circles, all of it stays with us wherever we go; to use to lift us up or to destroy ourselves in the yesterdays, today and the tomorrows. What is in your view now? How far are you able to see? If the “f” moments and the pain are close by, what can you find on the inside as well that is a little bit of heaven? Within the strongest parts of addiction are the feelings of failure, of being less than, but located in that hell is also the beauty of you. What if in this perfect moment you were to see what is before you but also know that it is not all that there is; nor all that you are? Some of this so very heavell life will have hell, whether you want it to or not, and some will hold heaven. It is your ability to find the understanding for you, to hear your little boxes of feelings, that determines what your matter of time is in either place; and whether you return there in this moment or the next or even the next one. Here’s to you and the view before you as the heavell keeper of your life. Be amazed because as a sometime warrior, it has never ever been that easy for you to fall nor to stand. It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are because the view is complicated by illusions of perfection; as well as having and holding heavenly expectations. I am me and you are you and each of us are essential for our views on the circle of heavell; whether an addict or not.
As the perfect people to bring hell, we also have the proficiency to bring heaven; for ourselves as well as for others. Ryan’s death brought me to a place that I have never ever been in before. It has been incredibly hard to view anything beyond the loss of him; despite life continuing on all around me. He, however, had the insight that even in death life persists. True to his generous nature of giving, even if it meant he would have nothing, Ryan had wanted to be an organ donor so that others would have the ability to live. Despite the hell in his life, he viewed the heaven too. Whether he was able to contribute to the lives of others or not in his death is not something we know of at this point. Knowing that one of the strongest parts of him was seen and heard in the end brings a grace to the hell. In honor of Ryan and the view that he has helped us to see, I would like to introduce to you a beautiful, young woman named Dana Fahey. She has been on dialysis for almost five years. As she turns 32 this month, she is hoping that someone will give her the gift of life through a kidney donation; her blood type is O+. Despite being in a hell that no matter what she does will remain, until that donation of course, Dana is able to bring the heaven to the others in her life; with a sense of humor. Can you imagine the pain she must feel as she walks in circles in the hell of it? Of course we can find the similarities to each of our hells despite the differences; as the weight of the world is in the heart of the beholder. Giving the gift of a kidney to someone else is a part of our ability to be sometime warriors who use our superpowers to lift others when they have fallen; because we have always been so much more. If you or someone else is interested in helping Dana be able to step in her hell, please contact Stephen Knapik at 1(631) 444-6944. You can also follow her on her Facebook page; a kidney for Christmas
Got Heavell? Of course you do but it’s the view in front of you that just might make you think you don’t. It’s all right. I will wait right here while you find you. Please hold on as you go through as only you can in your matter of time.
The difficulties that each of us face on our trails in this so very heavell life are unlike anyone else’s; despite the similarities that can and do live there. What we can find, though, in those familiar moments is an awareness for someone else’s pain; or a happiness for the celebrations. We cannot, however, decide how a person should feel or even cope through the things that can carry the weight of the world for that individual. There is a distinct difference between having an excuse for the choices we make and holding an understanding of how those choices came to be. The first one continues the cycle and the second one opens us up to change. There are reasons for why we feel the way we do; having come together as only they can on the inside of each of us. If we use the apples known as judgement, justification and denial, those causes will keep us chained to the hell; helping to create the victims and the monsters within ourselves and or others. By seeing the moments that have happened in our lives and our reactions to them, we can find grace for ourselves; as well as for others. We are then able to take the power away from those so very painful moments of the yesterdays; to become stronger from the hell. I understand how Ryan came to the point where he turned to drugs to cope in his life. It was a painful process getting there for him as well as for myself. I am also able to perceive of how the non-believers came to judge him and his choices in life; while denying their own. That insight is meant to help give us another perspective from another position; even if it is a green truth. Knowing the pieces of how we fell yesterday, whether an addict or not, enables us to step differently in the tomorrows; to bring about the change for the better. Somewhere along the way, we each have judged, excused, hidden and enabled the very things that we actually needed to find an understanding for. When we are in a place that we do not want to be in, it is hard to breathe, be brave and to step; feeling overwhelmed by the anything and the everything. Who better to see and to speak about the all that has come together on the inside than you? And then to change that? It’s all right that you haven’t coped well in life; hell has never ever been an easy place to just be. What if you were to love, hate, accept and change every part of you? You are a circle of heavell and as such you are a whole; regardless of what others may say or you believe. Here’s to me, Ryan, the non-believers, as well as you as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who have and hold both heaven and hell; on the inside as well as the outside of us. In different and similar moments, we are the dreams and the nightmares that are essential along the way; who fall into hell and stand with the help of our sometime warriors. Please hold on to you because you are the beauty that can be found no matter where you are.
The most important perception of the all that has been is found on the inside of ourselves; and yet we look to the outside for confirmation. If we don’t listen to the voices from our little boxes of feelings, we become fractured; walking in circles or even altering our state of being. Sometimes in that need to be perceived of, we place our values on others or accept what they say of us; even when it may be a green truth. Ryan was unheard in some of the moments, unseen in others and blamed for what was not his to carry; on the inside and the outside of him. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do everyday; sometimes in secret and at other times publicly but always painfully. In any given moment, there is you and there are others who each see from their position but what is not there is the consideration of every part; of everyone. What is in my words will not change this for anyone else but me. What is in yours, though, holds your superpower or fall as the heavell keeper of your life; whether an addict or not. Tell me how you feel so that I may know you and view what you see from your position. More importantly, though, speak so that you may remember the all of you. You are the perfect person to understand you and to share that; in your matter of time. Be amazed at what it has taken for you to fall and to rise; because they have never ever been simple things to do. Go through, as only you can, so that you may do this better; at the very least for you. A mess on the inside can be seen through words and actions but sometime warriors exist just for those moments, parts and the BLAH; in order to help lift us up. So what if there are “f” moments along the way? It only matters if you continue to feed the hell rather than pick your own weeds; and smell your own flowers. The beauty is that you have always had a little bit of heaven in you but you have to look in your mirror to see it. Hold on because another moment is coming and it has always mattered what you do with them; as an essential part of the circle of heavell.
What do you want from yourself that can only be found on the inside of you? Do you only want to be just a part or would you rather be a whole; whether an addict or not? In this so very heavell life, the challenge is to see the all of ourselves; as well as that of others. There are things that we do, say and are that even in a moment can imply who we are to other people; and to ourselves. Often though what is thought to be known is the green truth rather than the real truth about us. In a matter of time, a sometime warrior can be a mess and a mess can be a sometime warrior. I have been both separately and together; the perception of which has not been easily seen nor understood. Imagine if you will the moment that you realized that you, or a loved one, had become an addict. That desperate time when we realize that a substance has become the strongest part is when we feel fear take ahold of our hearts; for both an addict and a non-addict. It is the beginning of a painful process of learning to cope through a place we do not want to be in. A part of falling into that hell is the inability to see the real truth; taking its matter of time in each of us. The apples known as denial and enabler keep us walking in circles. What they provide is the ability for our hearts and minds to do what we are capable of at the time; while having and holding the weight of the world. Hope can also be found there through the desire that tomorrow will be all right even though today is not. A green truth is that we can’t be a sometime warrior while facilitating addiction. How, when and if we step moves from our personal knowledge that is lifted only when we each feel the capacity to do so; feeling strong enough to change. It seems easy enough to tell addicts to just stop using substances or to communicate to others to quit enabling them. It has, however, never ever been that simple in a life that is so very heavell on the inside and the outside of us. We can understand, though, that if we behave today as we did yesterday, and do so again tomorrow, that things will not likely change for the better. If you are scared then just say you are because that is courage and fear; as well as strength and vulnerability. An illusion of perfection can be a mess on the inside while a mess can hold a superpower within his or her parts. Be loud in the heaven and the hell of you; giving voice to every part. Please hold on because the hope is that in the next moment, you will say the words that an essential person, you, needs to hear; from you. Here’s to you and here’s to me. May we pick our own weeds while smelling our own flowers so that being a mess helps us to be amazed and laugh as we step and fall on the trail in heavell.
The definition of enable is to give someone the means to do something. The heaven of that is to empower a person to stand; through positive and informative support. One of the hells of that word is to facilitate the substance abuse of someone; or some other negative behavior. What is hidden in those meanings is that we often want to and believe that we are helping; as there is so much more between both of those realms. My enabling has changed over the years but I still do it every single day. I am working towards using the heaven side of it more often. It is a process of discovery and falls; just like an addict has to go through. What if you were to think about how your enabling is helping or harming someone? What if in this perfect moment you were to discover how you feel about it? Can you enable yourself to do this better by seeking the support that you need; in order to be stronger? We seek to label things but often we limit ourselves and others by doing so; ensuring that we remain and they stay chained to hell. Here’s to you and here’s to me as we all enable along the way. It’s a mess learning what words mean on the inside of us. The uncomfortableness of that hell, though, is where our connection can be found. Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for the addiction that has been in my life; as the superpower that has been teaching me to see and feel more than I ever imagined. Please hold on because you are finding the perfect you.
The things that exist in a material form provide us with the ability to easily perceive of them; viewing the heaven, the hell or the beauty that we each believe to be located there. What is not as easily known are the things that we feel on the inside; even if we express them on the outside of ourselves through our behaviors and our words. Can you describe three things that you love about yourself; whether an addict or not? Are there any parts of yourself that you are willing to accept; because they can’t be changed? In this perfect moment, how and what you see of those things holds the ability to lift yourself up because you are the perfect person to do so; to see the beauty in you. It is possible to be vulnerable while being strong, courageous and fearful at the same time as well as a sometime warrior who is a mess. When the darkness or the hell seems to be the strongest part of you, remember that you are a circle of heavell; and breathe. So what if you have “f” moments or are an addict? What else are you; because you have always been so much more than just the sum of that part? Today I made a new friend who has two years of sobriety. He referred to himself as a retired professional rather than the standard statement of being an addict in recovery; having been an expert in drinking. Within you are all the pieces, things, moments and even the BLAH that you need; as the heavell keeper of your life. In order to see and be the essential you, you must find what is on the inside; rather than what is on the outside of you. In everything that we do, whether an addict or not, we bring all of ourselves with us wherever we go; even when we fall. A part or some parts may be what is the strongest but the other pieces each have a voice too; able to lift us if we use them to do so. What if in this perfect moment you were to see more than just the hell? What if you were to take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave? I will just wait right here while you look in the mirror at the perfect person; to love, hate, accept and change every part of you but never to deny the heaven nor the hell. No one aspires to become an addict but it happens everyday; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly but always painfully. Get loud in the all of you. Laugh and cry while learning to understand what it has taken to cause you to fall; and then at what it will take for you to go through as only you can. I believe in all of you but it matters more that you are able to see that about yourself.
At the beginning of this year, I wrote about the HugTrain and it’s founder Arie. Each year, he or another HugMaster come from Canada and ride the Amtrak around the United States in order to promote free hugs; as well as mental health. They do this especially over the holidays as it is one of the strongest parts of the year in which people fall; whether from addiction, the pain or even the BLAH. Arie is a sometime warrior who is strong while being vulnerable; as well as courageous and fearful. He reminded me of the value of my ex-father-in-law’s hug; given to me as Ryan lay on a ventilator after over-dosing at the age of 18 many years ago. Charlie died last year in November but how I wish he had been there to give me a hug this past May when Ryan died; his hugs lifted the weight of the world even if only for a moment. Each year HugTrain chooses someone to honor as they make their way across the United States. The honoree of their eleventh ride is Ryan; representing addiction, mental health and as a giver of hugs that lifted the weight of the world. Anton is this year’s HugMaster and he begins his tour on December 22, 2019; leaving Montreal and heading to Schenectady, NY. He will be traveling for a month throughout many of our states; you can find the schedule on either their Facebook page @HugTrain or their Instagram page @HugTrainUSA. I hope you will meet Anton and get a hug in a city near you; or get and give hugs yourself. If you are able to, please donate to their non-profit as they rely upon those donations in order to travel. Thank you HugTrain and Arie, as well as Anton, for being able to see the hell; and thus being a part of the heaven.
I told that new friend of mine and Arie that I am a better person for the addiction that has been a part of my life. The pain of it brought the hell but it has also helped me to see more than just some of the parts of myself, my children and others. Addiction may have destroyed us for a matter of time but it also became a superpower that has brought the beauty of being a circle of heavell. Hell will never be that far away but through you, as an essential part, you can be a sometime warrior who is a mess; breathing in brave while holding the hands of courage and that of fear. If your scared just say you are; because we all are at some point. See you soon. Love, Heavell.
We tend to focus on the things, the parts and the moments that we don’t like on the inside and the outside of us; not wanting them to be seen or to deal with them. Being so aware of the anything and the everything that we view as a piece of the hell, though, keeps us in the place where we walk in circles. We then breath those things into our hearts as the definers of who or what we are; whether we should or not. What would be in the words that you use to describe yourself? Are you equally aware of your heaven as you have been of your hell; or vice versa? We have it all but it has never ever been that easy to see both nor to feel both; especially when we are consumed by just one. The strength of any part, moment, person or even the BLAH is found in what we center our attention upon; and the matter of time that we stay there. Every moment is the perfect moment, no matter what it is, to be and to bring heavell; finding the balance so that if we fall, our sometime warriors will eventually lift us up. Change is possible when we seek the beauty that can be found no matter where we are; but especially in the hell. It provides a different perspective of the things that hold our pain; minimizing the power of it. You will stay, however, in that place as a matter of your time until you are ready to go through. I will wait right here in this perfect moment while you look in the mirror; and find the beauty that only you can locate. Are you ready? How about now?
For years, I wanted out of the hell of Ryan’s addiction. There had been so many moments in which I had not known what to do and ones where I didn’t do what I should have; not unlike an addict. The denial of being in that place on the trail starts in the beginning but it also comes from the shadows in many other moments along the way; whether an addict or not. Both Ryan and I used the apple known as denial in order to avoid dealing with the things that we didn’t want to. Admitting the truth would have meant acknowledging the parts of ourselves that we did not want to cope with; ignoring it made it seem as if it wasn’t as powerful as it really was. I had been waiting for the perfect moment when Ryan would just stop using substances; finding the understanding that he didn’t need them. As I look back on all those years, it was a culmination of many steps and falls for both of us that led to his sobriety; just as it had been to fall into the hell of addiction in the first place. I can say that I hated the addiction when it started, as well as in the middle, but I can also convey that each of us is better because of the hell. The heaven of that painful time was learning to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; but never to deny any of them. Every moment had been the perfect moment to discover and to share what we saw and felt; although it was not easy to understand that while we were in it. Be amazed at what it has taken to cause you to fall; because it has never ever been that simple of a thing to do. Be loud in the all of you as you are a whole circle of heavell; and not just a part or some parts or even an illusion. Here’s to the hope that in your matter of time you will see and feel differently as you step and fall along your trail. So what if you have “f” moments? You are you and I am me and that is how we find the all of ourselves; both the heaven and the hell of us. Take the time to laugh until your stomach hurts and to say “I am sorry” to yourself. It’s going to be all right because this moment and the next and the next are the perfect moments to fall and to stand and to just understand you.
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