One of the most important and strongest terms that can be found in the words that we say is the expression “choice’. It is one that not only implies we always have options but also that we are either courageous or weak based upon the decisions that we make. It is a term that holds hope and truth while helping to encourage our accountability in everything that we do, say and feel but the appearance of it usually occurs only in the most obvious, messy moments and parts or for others rather than ourselves. At times that word is able to lift up but more often than not, in a different truth, it destroys through the implications of yet another “f” moment; and not a fabulous one at that. Each of us have, in any given moment, choices and yet we usually repeat what we know again and again whether we are the same or different, an addict or not. Why is that? In the shadows of the word “choice” are the unknown and unseen influences of coping, cycles, feelings, failings, strengths, weaknesses and of course mental health that can make options impossible despite any opinions and or facts for that matter. I, for instance, encountered many people who felt strongly that I should have turned away from Ryan when he became addict and by not doing so, I was weak. Their words and actions, however, were a reflection of what they were capable of or willing to do rather than the real truth of or for me. In other words, their option was not “the right choice” for me then nor would it be today. Within what I chose, though, were moments of missteps in which I did turn away for my matter of time or repeated cycles that I should not have as well as carrying lots of doubt and fear but with each fall that I took, I eventually got up and tried again. Those days seemed the same while also being different depending upon what I encountered on the inside, courage or fear, and the support or lack of from the outside: just like what addicts experience. What have you chained to the word “choice”? Do you feel it as a reflection of your possibilities or does it feed the hell that is already loud within you? How about when others say you should have “chosen another option”? Despite any similarities that Ryan and I had, our individual reactions to the opinions and facts that he should not have chosen to use substances were completely different. That repeated statement about “choice” was a continual reminder for him that he had failed but then those views seen from the outside of someone’s hell are always far easier than what can actually be found on the inside where it is very loud and painful. Let’s start here with that word “choice” and recognize that all along we have had the ability to decide to stop repeating a cycle in which an expression has always held the different truth of enabling, also known as facilitating or feeding, the hell despite anyone’s intentions otherwise. What is in the words that you say? Do those particulars help you to lean in to hear others? Do you know if you are actually facilitating someone to have the best day possible, to hold on, or another fall through them? What do you need from yourself as well as others to have the best day possible for you? Are you saying it so it can be heard? A “choice” is never simple nor easy but rather a complicated place to be because of those cycles, coping skills, fear, the disease of addiction, mental health problems, messes, traumas or just the plain old BLAH for every single one of us. This is me and today I feel strong but in just a moment I could lose my way when that all that has been gets loud because sometimes the best choice, for me, is to lean in to the pain even when others do not agree with that option. Ryan was like this as well when he was an addict, before he ever became one and when he was sober. How about you, is this you as well? Well we might as well be who we are because the best day possible is the kind of day where we choose to be ourselves; otherwise known as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who are together and not together. After all in a life that is so very heavell, we have the option to raise a little hell by not agreeing with the “choices” of others but by understanding how they came to be through small things and the weight of the world. Have the best day possible for you while you get comfortable with what you are carrying because it’s those things that can become a superpower if you view a fall as the moment before a step regardless of the time it takes. Be kind, be loud and always remember there is a love that will continue on even when we are in hell. Love Always, Heavell.
While we each desire to be perceived of and heard, at the same time we are also scared of being seen because what we carry in the place that needs us most isn’t just the fabulous moments and feelings from our kind of life. Our ability to talk straight to ourselves or to others is rarely an easy thing to do but then if it were that simple, fear and pain would not be facilitating our anger, anxiety, behaviors, being lost, words or even substance abuse for that matter. Opening the door to our messy room for anyone and everyone to view leaves us feeling vulnerable and weak when we are already feeling impossible from the chaos that lives there. Even in a room full of like people, we can still feel alone within ourselves if we believe that the “f” moments and the pain is an indication of the all that we are and therefore should be denied or hidden rather than seen and dealt with. What each of us needs most when we are not all right are the words that express kindness and the emotions that support them and yet fear most often brings out the worst in ourselves as well as others. What we encounter in any given moment is our view and then the perception of others which complicates our ability to actually hear, understand and believe in our experiences. Imagine a moment in which something happened that has hurt you; maybe even traumatized you. What occurred when you tried to talk straight about it with the individual whose actions felt distressing to you? Did that person lean in to recognize you or did he or she feed the hell by devaluing you? Now turn around and think about how you have acted when someone has tried to talk straight with you. Have you behaved in a similar or a different manner? Is it easier to hear what hurts from someone that matters to you or is it less complicated and less painful with an individual you are not close to or don’t know? What happens, then, when you say your words just to yourself? Why is it always easier to connect with and believe in the hell than it is to recognize ourselves as the beholders of words, “f” moments and feelings on a trail where our own kind of beauty is ours to step towards, to discover, rather than to be told what it and we should look like or be? Let’s start here because it’s good to be home in the place where we have it all even when we don’t treat all of it equally and hate some of it. This is you and this is also me being uncomfortable with messy parts and rooms but those weeds are where our sometime warriors and our strengths can be found. After all, if we are only viewed in part then fear will always be illuminated in ways it shouldn’t be, possible will be impossible and we will always believe that tissues are meant only for the moments that hurt. Let’s start here and say what needs to be said while carrying our weeds as a reflection of the love that will continue on through the transformation of pain, in this moment or the next, into superpowers. Oh hell, the hand of courage is holding that of fear but it’s what you lean in to hear that determines what you connect with so be kind to you as you step and fall along the way. In other words just because understanding can be found in the pain and with like people, it doesn’t mean you should continue to stay there. Let’s start here as you encounter this so very heavell life just as you are.
On Tuesday, February 2nd, Heavell will be sharing it’s next podcast. Because the meaning of words and the perception of them is so complicated, we will be providing another perspective on how what we see, think and feel can leave us feeling impossible even though we shouldn’t stay in that place for too long. A sometime warrior for individuals with dyslexia and a dear friend will share her encounter of how a struggle in someone who matters to her has shown her that what appeared to be a weakness was in fact a strength waiting to be recognized in both of them. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
To the individual who found us through Ryan’s page “Ryan Travels The U.S.”. Let’s start here and take this 10 seconds, a moment, at a time. It’s all right not to be all right but you are and have always been more than what hurts so lean in and breathe. Today may just be the day where you need to be kind to you and if tomorrow seems to be the same, then take that one moment at a time as well. One step has brought you closer to getting comfortable with what is uncomfortable and then turning it into a superpower. Please continue to let us know how you are doing. Have the best day possible for you.
There is a feeling that can be found in all of us that is powerful enough to turn anyone into a victim or a monster and immobilize even those who normally are not hesitant. It speaks loudly in our hearts and minds whether we are repeating cycles or attempting to move into a place that we have never been before and it can cause us to step backwards. It encourages us to believe in being impossible by reminding us of our weaknesses and pain and that tomorrow can hurt just as today has. It keeps our “f” moments, not the fun ones, close so that our view of them is always present even in the times where we feel we are all right. It can be found in the form of anger, anxiety, the use of substances, words, falls or even in what is known as the BLAH. It can be invisible even while being in front of us whether on the inside or the outside. No matter how many steps we take, it will remind us that we have fallen at some point in the yesterdays and thus are likely to do so again in the next or the next moment. It makes breathing seem challenging even though we actually do so in every moment no matter what kind it turns out to be. It takes our hope of overcoming and transforming the things that need to change and places that wish on a rollercoaster. It even has the ability to break our hearts again and again and can leave us feeling alone in a room full of people. That feeling has no boundaries and loves being shared with others. It can even make a strength appear to be a weakness and a weakness seem as if it is a strength. It is always close by being comfortable with our uncomfortableness. There have been two moments in my life that have held the greatest fear that I have ever known and while the intensity may have ebbed and flowed, that feeling was felt long after the specific moments had passed. The first was when I realized that Ryan was addicted to drugs and the lonely and painful place that had welcomed him. The second, and the hardest one of all of course, was when I knew his life was ending. In what moment have you felt the most lost, also known as fear, and in which one has hope kept you holding on despite feeling as if you are unable to breathe? What do your words carry from those moments? This is LIFE and this is the strongest and the weakest that you are in any kind of moment through your feelings and words. This is also me with mine as well as everyone else for exactly our own matter of time. We, together and not together, do this well but in other ones we also do this worse because of our fear. We can continue to misunderstand the illumination of what needs to change as being a reflection that we are weak as we continue to feed the hell or we can view how possible we really are because of what has already been and felt. After all, we might as well be who we are because we have never been someone other than the beholder of our own kind of beauty and hell for that matter. So what if it hurts? Just as we need to lean in to hear and get comfortable with what has been uncomfortable, we also have to remember what is all right even when they only exist in small things. Turn around and look in the mirror because while you will see the weeds, your flowers are the moments that your beauty stepped forward because it is possible for you to do so. One of the best lines I have ever heard was from an addict who referred to himself as a “former professional drinker” His story is an acknowledgement of the pain and what didn’t serve him well but it is also a different truth in that he was, is and always will be more than just addict; just like you. In my story, I am an “f” moment maker from the fabulous ones right down to the repeated fallen times. I am neither one or the other because I am a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person in a so very heavell place known as this is LIFE. While your particulars may be different, the real truth is that we are all scared, have hope and express all of it in ways that we shouldn’t for far too long. I am going to wait right here for you because, who knows, maybe you can help me when I am feeding the hell or if I need to be reminded that this starts with saying “I am sorry” to the very person, otherwise known as me, that I am going through all of it with. Oh hell, it just might be the kind of day where we can feel fear but know we are also holding the hand of courage as we step and fall amongst our weeds and flowers and use boxes of tissues when we laugh until our stomachs hurt instead of our hearts. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
To have hope and belief in our ability to deal with what effects us from the outside of ourselves, we must have confidence in what lives on the inside especially when our courage and strength are not easily found nor remembered as ever having been a part of going through in the yesterdays. What happens, though, when the words that we say to ourselves reflects more of our “f” moments or those that appear to be than they do of the actual beauty that is a part of each of us? Or what if our pain feels like such a mess that closing the door and keeping it shut is the only view we are able to think about? What we are encountering is what we believe we are capable of in this moment because that uncomfortable voice is far louder than the one that speaks when we or things are all right. For instance, the voice of fear is most often expressed in an aggressive manner that does not imply being scared but rather that an individual is angry. Pain is another feeling that is also conveyed in that very same way. Our feeling hurt or scared is thought to be a sign of weakness where as being mad is seen more as a strength or a position of power. Even beauty can be misleading in the thought that it is something to be seen on the outside of us while the real truth is that it is a complicated place that at times holds feelings of fear and pain as a part of any transformation. In other words, if you don’t talk straight to yourself and to others, knowing what words actually mean for you, you will continue to experience feelings as well as the belief that you lack courage and therefore are impossible. So what if you are scared or worried or anxious? So what if this moment or the last one or the next one hurts? If you turn around, you will see that everyone is fearful and overwhelmed by messes at some point in their lives for far longer than they should be as well. Those particulars may be different for each of us but the reactions to whatever adversities we encounter are similar no matter who we think or feel we are. For me there are and always will be moments in which my thoughts lean towards my grief over the loss of Ryan and how that feels in the place that needs me most. I can distract myself by keeping busy but what I can’t do is hide from myself how much it hurts and that, while different, is really just like whatever feels the worst for someone else. Pain, fear, anger and beauty cannot be compared as it is defined by each individual and his or her moments but what we can do is understand that any of it, in any given moment, can destroy or lift up that person as the beholder of it not as we on the outside value it. Today I am living this so very heavell life by leaning in to hear what needs to be while also loving the moments in which I can laugh until my stomach hurts because it’s good to be home no matter what breathes there. This is you and this is me and we might as well be who we are because it’s what we are going through with even when there are parts that we hate. The small things and the big ones that have been cannot be changed into a different truth until we believe that falls are not weakness but rather the moments prior to the discovery of steps. After all, superpowers and sometime warriors are made for what will always find a way to be illuminated rather than the moments that are all right. I am going to wait right here for you while you find the possibilities of an inanimate object like a box of tissues as well as the beauty of weeds and words in your kind of life.
Next week on Tuesday, January 19, 2021, Heavell will be linking a Facebook page called Ryan Travels The U.S. to it’s website. This page was started by Ashlee, unbeknownst to me, a short time after Ryan died in May 2019. On this page she placed a variety of photos of Ryan that anyone could download onto their phone and then take him with them on a trip somewhere. These family, friends and complete strangers took a photo of themselves while holding Ryan’s photo in whatever place they wanted him to be seen and he’s actually been all over the world including the 2019’s winning game of the world series and the U.S.A. Women’s soccer team playing against Ireland as well as a 14,000 foot peak in Colorado. Ashlee came up with this idea because there’s a love that will continue on for our Ryan and so that he could still travel to places or events since his health prevented that in that last couple of years of his life. A month after in February, Heavell will be adding a page to its website so that you may share photos of you and your friends, loved ones or even strangers that have been lost to this world because of addiction and or mental health issues. You will have the opportunity to share a few words to describe your dreams or to say something to them as well. All photos and words will need to be approved of first by Heavell before being published. Every dream matters whether here or not and we want to illuminate them as being more than just what destroyed them. After all, there’s a love that will continue on for them as well in the simplest moments, the “fun” ones and the ones we cry over so we might as well be who we are. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
How would you describe the details of your so very heavell life? Do those particulars belong solely to you, live in the story of others or are they a connection of both? How about the single term known as beauty and all the things that you believe can be defined by just that phrase? What part of you represents your description of that word? Or what about those “f” moments but especially the weeds? Are there some there that you are failing to lean in to hear? The strongest and the weakest that you will ever be is found in what you perceive of in yourself and then how you compare that knowledge to the similarities as well as the differences that others hold in themselves. In other words, listening to and valuing ourselves through what comes from the outside has a way of encouraging us to not be all right in the place that needs us most on the inside. Even those tricky substances imply where beauty can be located and yet they actually leave each individual walking in circles, lost and fearful, while repeating cycles through the creation of feelings of never being possible; just like that valuing of ourselves from the perspective of others. Those things, though, that you have now will not be encountered in the same manner in the tomorrows unless of course you continue to feed the hell. The best view of what needs to be accepted and or changed lives within you just as you are. Your beauty, then, can actually be found everywhere you are but it is up to you to recognize at least a part of yourself in it rather than believing that the particulars of others or things are the only locations that hold it. It’s good to be home even when that place holds hurt and fear because there’s a love there that will continue on even when it’s been pushed into the shadows. Turn around and get comfortable with the details of your story and the words that you say but especially the beauty of your tears from grief and laughter as only you can experience them. I am going to wait right here for you because despite our similarities and hopes, its our differences that makes each of us essential in this so very heavell life. It’s good to be home because it’s the one place where you are the only perfectly, irritatingly, messy person able to go through in your matter of time. After all, messes always have hidden valuables, you can’t live in someone else’s story nor that person’s idea of beauty and your sometime warrior resides in the feelings that you hold even in the ones that you hate because they feel like hell. Today is the kind of day where you can be all right in the moments that are not all right by breathing in and saying “it’s good to be home” in the place that needs you most. It’s also the one where you can choose to pick your own weeds, smell your own flowers and carry lots of tissues on your trail just in case you feel like laughing until your stomach hurts, have a dreaded “f” moment or discover a different truth about yourself like that only you can define what beauty is from the inside. Have the best day possible for you. Love always, Heavell.
The simplest and easiest perspective of any situation is the one in which we believe we have the best view of any trail. What’s not always realized is the understanding that in every moment, view or term there’s often a different truth that complicates our ability to see as well as to change things. Take the word help, for instance, and think about what it holds for you as both the giver and then the receiver of it. Does that expression mean to do something for someone because you have the ability to do so or does it mean to assist someone as he or she does something? Are there details that can change that answer in any given moment? What about the difference, the fine line, that can be found between helping and enabling? Is it possible to think and feel we are guiding when we are actually empowering the belief within someone that he or she cannot go through without assistance? What about the moments in which our doing and not doing something has more to do with our own uncomfortableness than it does with the individual in need? There’s no doubt that at times we all need the benefit of being given aid, in the form of words and or actions, but a different truth then is that we do not always have the best view of a necessity depending on our particulars. What we see help as being is influenced by so many things from the yesterdays and the position that we are viewing it from that it can be challenging to look closely to see if we are actually creating impossible or I’m possible in ourselves as well as others. In other words, we can feed the hell without realizing it even when our intent is not to do so. During the years of Ryan’s substance abuse, as well as over the 19 months since he left this world, there have been a lot of people who have “helped” me. Unfortunately some of that assistance has left me feeling impossible and alone in a nightmare whether my “helpers” have realized that or not. As I turn around and look in the mirror, I can see that my aiding of others, including Ryan, probably left them feeling in similar and different ways about what it means to need and then to receive help versus what I provided. After all, even if you are the parent of an addict, how you are experiencing that position may be completely different from what my own encounter was or as an addict what can be found there for you is not what Ryan’s held for him despite the connections that we share. Someone once said to me “Are there really any words that can be said or actions that can be done in order to help you?” Of course that was that person’s best view or opinion about my particular situation but it still holds some real truth or fact even though I hate that it does. Just like an addict, I am the only one who can actually find and use the best view in order to go through in my kind of life in my matter of time. So what can we say and do so that we don’t encourage walking in circles or facilitate the belief of impossible in what already feels unimaginable? It starts with understanding the details of what terms mean to us as well as for others so that we can lean in to hear how we can truly help the position that is in need of assistance. Sometimes, though, the real truth is that all we can do is wait right here because there are no words or actions that will make what is our best view feel all right in someone else. This is you and me as we make messes and have fabulous moments. We are together and yet if we look closely, we are not together because our particulars are complicated, uncomfortable and at times hurt. What you do with your “f” moments, fear and weeds is far more important than any flower will ever be in a life that is so very heavell and where boxes of tissues are more than just the place to catch our tears that come from pain. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
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