To enjoy our lives is also known as to relish our existence but how is that even possible when having it all holds not only what we desire but also the people, places, feelings, moments and things that we do not? Is it achievable, then, to find appreciation for those tough lessons that we encounter along our trails when the value of dreaded “f” moments and pain is often not perceived of because of what it implies about us? Or what if we get off of the ride before we should and are now walking in circles trying to do a series of moves around the parts that we do not want? This past week a teenager who is going through some very tough moments and feelings asked me if there is a way to avoid the pain, fear and anger. Can you imagine what I thought and then responded with as the mother of a former heroin addict who is no longer here because he also wanted to evade the mess in his life? When we don’t know what to do with the details, we can feel scared and hopeless and we will seek others who agree with our pain and our avoidance of dealing with it. Initially there is a feeling of relief provided from that connection, of being together, but eventually what we wanted to escape will show up for us anyways and that loneliness will return with a voice that is even louder than it had been before. So what do you think my statement was to her? What would you have said? I actually replied “Yes there is, what substance would you like to do in order to not experience your storm also known as your mess? Or perhaps you could hide and or deny it but then that will also make it stronger which is exactly what you don’t want right? So be aware that while you hope to avoid this, there is nothing that you can find on the outside of yourself that will stop what is already breathing on the inside of you. With that in mind, you might as well be who you are and go through with the all of you. If you need help, I will be here waiting for you to say that” In other words, the place that needs us most can’t be made comfortable with people, places and things that are found on the outside of ourselves but we can learn to hold it close through all of it. So is it possible for us to recognize the value of the things that feel like the weight of the world? To eventually be able to locate some sort of appreciation for the items that hurt rather than continue to grieve or be lost because of them? The shortcut answer or green truth is not when we are in the midst of an overwhelming situation or if we only celebrate our flowers. If we choose to lean in, though, for our matter of time and pain, it is within reach when we talk straight about what we are experiencing at the very least to ourselves; to believe in how we feel. This young woman is, after all, not going to be able to laugh until her stomach hurts enough or just think positive thoughts adequately or wish away her mess in order to change what’s there. So this starts with forgiving herself for not knowing how to deal with the particulars of her storm and for wanting to elude all of it because it is all right to feel that way as long as we eventually go into it. She is then going to have to live the ride while getting to know what words hold for her and the moments that at times will be best described with the use of the loud voice of anger because occasionally what hurts or scares us comes out that way even when it shouldn’t. If she falls in words and or actions, she will have to start again because there are no shortcuts when you live the ride in a so very heavell life. This is her, this was Ryan and this is me as well. Each of us are “f” moment makers, the bringers of hell as well as the beholders of beauty as found within each of us while also being fabulous at times. Somewhere in here you can find yourself too because no matter what we do, we all have to live the ride as it goes through our flowers, our weeds and what others bring into our lives; the controversary. In a different truth, then, we don’t have to enjoy every moment or pretend to in order to be all right but we do need to like, love, appreciate and show up for who we are in all the ways that we actually live the ride especially when one box of tissues just won’t do or we want to get off the ride before we should. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
There are moments as well as emotions that we have experienced from our field of view that complicates how we feel and our ability to show up for ourselves as well as others. Sometimes it’s our desire to get off of that rollercoaster that encourages us to exit before we should and occasionally it is because others want us to close the door in order to move on even when what’s there feels like the weight of the world. Our hope in doing so is that if those things can’t be seen then their voices can’t possibly be powerful enough to affect us far into the tomorrows. As with anything, though, there is no such thing as a whole being made up of only the pieces that we want nor a hell that occurs in a convenient and easy manner. So if our wish is to be able to take any kind of hurt or dreaded “f” moment and leave it behind us then we must step towards the term forgive and what it holds because we can’t forget or let go of what we don’t first find an understanding for. Locating that view is not about excusing or justifying words, actions or feelings. It’s about leaning in to hear how each of us has experienced life and then are sharing what’s there to the outside of ourselves; especially our pain. After all, we can’t change the power of anything if we don’t perceive of why it exists and how it continues to breathe even in the shadows. This week I received a letter from a young woman who I haven’t spoken to in several years who is a recovering addict. She had consistently been a part of our lives and then one day she just disappeared. I knew that she had made the choice to step away but I didn’t know where her journey had taken her. Not knowing whether someone is all right or not can feed the hell of fear but eventually that pain of mine transformed into the desire that things would be all right for her in whatever manner that meant in her life. Towards the end of her letter she stated that she hoped that I would some day be able to forgive her for how she had behaved. I had to stop and contemplate that request but not for the reason you might think. You see I have never actually forgiven anyone for his or her moments with me, not even Ryan, nor have I asked for forgiveness. Why is that and how could I move on if I haven’t? Forgiveness is defined as a pardon that we either ask for ourselves or give to another but in my different truth it’s about showing up for myself while hoping that others will eventually find their way to doing so for themselves. Understanding, which just happens to be a word that is used to define forgiveness, is the view that what we express or share is a reflection of the place that we are at on the inside, our messes, and not of what the effected person deserves. In other words if we are scared and or hurt, the loud voice of anger will say what we can’t or dare not to and our behaviors will feed the hell in ourselves and others. So being on that rollercoaster and feeling what is there, dealing with it, has always been the moment before change can occur but if we get off of it before we understand, we will walk in circles and have another and another and another dreaded “f” moment despite wanting to forget because pain will always find a way to be illuminated and to keep us weak. This young woman was being who she was at the time as a whole of fabulous and failed parts and I was also being who I was. Our details separate us but understanding allows each of us to get all right with what hasn’t been within ourselves and then use it to get stronger; to stop the cycles. I would prefer that she show up for herself because there’s a love within that that is far more powerful than any words I could say or any forgiveness that I could give. Change, then, is more likely to occur and stay if she is focused on what she needs in order to do this better for herself because it’s her experiences and feelings that have made her who she has been and depending upon what she does with them, who she will be. Do you feel that? Have the best day possible and if you haven’t already done so, this starts with “I am sorry” as the moment before you step towards forgiving yourself as the perfect person to do so in your so very heavell life. Love Always, Heavell
Laughter that makes our stomachs hurt is the desired place to be in but when our particular feelings of pain and uncomfortableness appear, there is a belief that we are flawed if we are unable to cope with the same ease that we enjoy the things that are fun. Because of that thought, we will do whatever it takes to avoid what’s there with the hope that those emotions that make breathing difficult will somehow cease to exist. A conflict then ensues between our hearts and our minds because what has been felt will show up when we least expect them to, again and again, no matter what we try to talk ourselves into. Those unwanted and dreaded feelings, that still have a voice despite being hidden, are a facilitator in the feeding of the hell where we feel alone, hurt and or scared even when we are in a room full of people or with those who love us. Understanding and support for what is there is the connection that we are seeking and yet we never ever turn to the mirror where the person who has been through it all with us can be found. Why is that? Is it because we believe we are impossible for having those experiences to begin with? After Ryan died, there was a certain amount of compassion and carrying of me for a matter of time but eventually life moved on for everyone else. For some, dealing with the person that I had become was not what they wanted to do which was not unlike how I felt during parts of Ryan’s substance use. When that happened for me, the grief that I had been feeling changed from an incredible sadness to being illuminated in the most intense anger I have ever felt or expressed in my life. Which I also realize was not unlike Ryan during particular moments in his life. On the inside I knew that it wasn’t going to just go away or be silenced until I was able to change how it held me but transforming it meant accepting the pain as a part of my life which wasn’t something I wanted to do. As much as I hated feeling that way, I also felt so justified in it that it became a comfortable place for me to get lost in for far longer than I should have. In other words it was a familiar coping place from the yesterdays that I thought made me strong even though I was actually so very weak. While there, I wished for some ally that would make me feel better but there were no words that could have been said or actions to be done that would have changed where I was at until I wanted it for myself. Not even the understanding and the support of those who had also lost a child could alter what I felt because that mess was mine and I alone had to go through it. Do you feel that? After all, what hurts on the inside can’t be fixed by people, places or things that are found on the outside of ourselves. That kind of grief, though, doesn’t just occur in the loss of someone we love because we are also able to feel that way in all of the moments where we mislay ourselves and hurt as in the “f” ones that are not fabulous. Once we are in that position we can fall, so very hard, in our words and actions even though it’s not who we really are. Can you feel that? There was a lot of pressure on me back then to just be who I was prior to his death but the real truth was and still is that I will never be that person again so I might as well be who I am now. I realize that I had also wanted Ryan to be who he was prior to his substance use and yet that was impossible because of the things that had been in his kind of life. In a different truth though, that desire is in part a hope that someone will be all right just like he or she had been prior but sometimes it’s also because it is easier to deal with what we are already comfortable with. I am able to feel that now while also understanding that we need to accept ourselves and others through the series of movements that make us who we are even when we don’t like it or know what to do. This is me. I am a “f” moment maker and I don’t always handle life well but I am learning to lean with it rather than hiding it until it becomes so loud from a lack of dealing that I become weak. This was also Ryan in his sobriety and somewhere in here you are able to feel that in your way as well. Be kind and be loud in showing up for yourself and your gray lines because in this so very heavell life this starts with and goes through with the person in the mirror; also known as you. Love Always, Heavell.
Coming to terms with all of the possible definitions and emotions that can be held by just a single phrase means finding what brings us together but more importantly what separates us and ultimately effects our understanding of each other. In other words, what we know about expressions has been determined by not only their designated definitions but also in how they have been experienced in whatever kind of life we have. The knowledge of those encounters lives on the inside and value that is determined from the outside doesn’t take into consideration the moments that make terms personal for each of us. Even our gray lines are a part of how we react to and use words and they can fluctuate depending on the place that we are at or the individuals we are dealing with. Trust, for instance, is a word that we think and feel represents the safe keeping of people, places and things. We use it as our guide in deciding who we have a belief in or not but if you turn around, you will see that we will count on someone even though we are aware he or she tell lies while at the same time determining that another individual is completely impossible because that person tells lies as well. We will even accept deception from ourselves in certain scenarios as long as we feel there is justification for it. Trust, in a different truth, appears to have boundaries but it is more often an open door to what can be or is a mess. What does it mean for us, then, when an individual’s actions change how we view him or her; such as in the behaviors of an addict? During Ryan’s years of substance use, my confidence in him was continually challenged, even in the moments that he was sober, because once our trust has been broken, especially repeatedly, it is very difficult to not continue to feel fear even if we are or appear to be safe. When we are in that place we need concrete things that can be easily seen, such as the steps that support sobriety, because within them is a belief, a hope, that our lost individuals are back on the trail to being reliable and or sober. What’s not there, though, is the understanding that addiction, trust, change or even words have never ever been that simple because of the things that separate us. So each time that Ryan fell, I did as well by breathing in the pain of those moments and the deception that surrounded them. I even became untrustworthy myself and I felt so very justified in being in that place. That cycle, that mess, was repeated by the both of us for years. It took a toll on my mind and my heart, effecting every part of my life, and because of that I reached a point of thinking “I can’t do this anymore” while also feeling “there’s no way I can lose him to this” I am not sure in which moment it occurred but I realized that I was correct in thinking that I could no longer do this but not in the way or for the reason you might think. I began contemplating the term trust and how it was defined by me as well as Ryan. He was, after all, working with what he had and I was using what I had. Our differences, our personal views and experiences, made it impossible for us to completely come together and by trying to have him follow a belief that I had in what that term meant, I was facilitating the very hell I wanted to go away. So I began working on trusting myself instead of expecting him to prove he was reliable. That is what I could do and it ultimately turned out to be where my power, my superpower, lived. It didn’t change things immediately but step by step and moment by moment I was able to relax and so was Ryan. He was then able to say and to hear what needed to be by having a belief in himself through what the word trust and other ones held for him. What had been impossible then became possible even when there were missteps or falls by him, myself or others. This is me, this was Ryan and somewhere in here is you as well. Take the time to find what you need from yourself in order to be all right, what you can and cannot do, because that is where your superpower breathes. Have the best day possible for you in this so very heavell life because it’s your belief that will always get you through. Love Always, Heavell.
Just like how words carry different emotional definitions for each of us, our personal gray lines on the inside can fluctuate from moment to moment, feeling to feeling and person to person. What we won’t accept from one person will often be something that we will tolerate and excuse from someone else or even from ourselves. Let’s start with the terms lost and found as well as what we believe to be a part of being one or the other. Each of us has a perception of what being off-course means, not together, and it is often easier to see someone as being in that place when it pertains to not having concrete things such as jobs, education, a home or items. What’s not there though is the different truth that one can have all or some of those pieces while still being adrift in feelings, possibilities, communication, connections, understanding and love. In other words, the perception of being lost appears to be defined by the lack of easily seen things but there are far more hidden details in actually being in that place than what we can possibly determine from just the view in front of us. Even the value of being found, having it together, is represented as having or achieving things and yet the absence of those objects is not an accurate reflection of anyone’s knowledge, possibilities, experiences, understanding, connections or strength because those particular entities live on the inside where they can’t be seen. What, then, does it means to be lost as well as to be found for you? Why is that? Are you aware that in order to be located you have to have been misplaced to begin with because those two words can only exist in the presence of each other just as fear and courage do? How would you feel if what you believe made you who you are simply disappeared? Now turn around and look at the others in your life and what you view they hold as well as what you are willing to accept from each of them. Is it easier to tolerate actions in some moments, for some things or only for some people based upon what you believe they have? Why is that? This past Monday, Memorial Day, was the two year anniversary of Ryan’s death. Rather than being able to just focus on the memories of his life, those “f” moments that were fabulous as well as the failed ones, and what I believe has been learned from him, an addict amongst the group had a major life event that thrust everyone into a mess. In that chaos, gray lines, values, words and the tolerating of some things from only some people came into my view as someone who was, for the most part, on the outside of the situation. There was even two different views from two of the positions on the circle of the situation comparing the value of items versus the trauma of the scenario. What wasn’t there when that adversity came to be was the love always that was actually needed by all for all. It has always been easier to be supportive or to appear to be when everything is all right but open the door to pain and fear and see how quickly we each become adrift, not together, despite the collection of things that we believe say we are together. I have to acknowledge that I felt angry about the mess and the behaviors of those involved. Controversary is never convenient nor simple and it often comes when we don’t want it which is actually never. As I turn around and look at all of the objects that I have accumulated over the years, not a single one is useful in helping me to go through on my trail especially when my grief feels like the weight of the world in my heart as it was on Monday. So despite the appearance of having it together through the image of my things, I actually still get lost periodically and I don’t always handle life well like when the loud voice of fear or pain is expressed through my anger. It is, however, good to be home within me because while I am not always all right, I know that being adrift is the moment before stepping into being located regardless of the time it takes for me to get there. New gray lines have emerged for me from this past mess because it is about love always for myself. Only I can define what I will tolerate or not and what I can or cannot do otherwise the value of anything will be decided on the outside of myself which, just like easily seen concrete things, won’t help me go through in this so very heavell life and will actually facilitate the continuation of my walking in circles instead; also known as the feeding of hell. This is me and this is also you whether you are an addict or not. Have the best day possible for you regardless of being together or not while on your journey. Be kind and be loud while you Love Always. Heavell
Greetings. Today, Heavell is sharing the words of Vicky DiNicola, a mother who lost her dream to an overdose in August of 2020. She is a sometime warrior in a variety of ways and a wonderful writer. Lean in as you read her words so that you may not only perceive of her but also find understanding for you. This is a journey that holds similarities for all of us but our details are what defines this in a personal and individual way just like it does for each addict. We each have to find what we can or cannot do while always expressing that answer with love on the inside as well as on the outside of ourselves. What do you believe is your thin gray line? How do you feel about that? Every dream matters whether here or not. Be kind and be loud as you have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Traditional addiction therapy and recovery experts have always coached the mothers, fathers, siblings, family members and friends of those struggling with addiction to steer away from offerings of food, housing and financial support for fear of “enabling” the addict. “Let them hit bottom” they say. “If you give them resources they’ll only use it for drugs and alcohol” they say. This was a common mantra in our family dealing with our adult son who was an heroin addict but also an insulin dependent diabetic with special medical, nutritional and behavioral health needs. It’s complex and it’s stressful to know which side of that thin gray line to stay on. Were we “enabling” or “supporting” him? We wanted to support his medical and nutritional needs without enabling his addiction. It was a constant battle for us.
To combat this “enabling vs. supporting” game, we conjured up lots of tricks. We would call in a pizza or food for pick up rather than send him cash. We would send him gift cards that could only be spent at the grocery store so that he couldn’t trade it on his last fatal dose of heroin, meth or other cocktails of life sucking drugs. On rare occasions we even made home cooked meals and delivered them to his latest crash pad, complete with clothing, blankets and hygiene supplies. Anything but give him cash. Of course we always gave him the option to come home and often times he did. He stayed for months at a time working on his recovery until eventually he decided to go out on his own again, despite all our concerns and objections. In the end we learned the only thing we were managing was our own fear. What we learned is that heroin addicts will say anything, even to their mothers that they love so much, in order to get their next fix. They will lie. They will manipulate. They will play on the emotions of those who love them the most. They will do this even when they hit their absolute bottom.
So looking back at that thin gray line, here is what I now believe. First, there is no play book that helps you to distinguish between the real needs of your loved one and their addiction. Assuming the first premise is true, then the only play is to sincerely, honestly and non-judgmentally connect with your loving addict. Keeping the lines of communication wide open and safe from harsh criticism and judgement is everything. As long as you have a safe communication channel you might be able to distinguish between the honest bodily needs and the addiction but be smart about the bull shit. Call them on that when you need to but draw them back quickly and with love. I’ll be honest, there were lots of times when it was just easier to send the cash rather than engage in deep conversations. There were even a few times during our 18 year journey when we just “busted his balls” for the poor choices he made. But in the end I believe that navigating through the frustration and irritation of your addict’s latest “failure” with calm, cool, nonjudgmental and even a loving attitude is everything.
I won’t promise you that this is a recipe for success. The last night that we spoke with our son Michael, we had a great talk and we made plans to see each other in the following days. Our conversation was filled with humor, love and understanding. It was also filled with some dialogue about personal accountability and a few words of guidance about his health. But in the end there was love. A few days later Michael caught a bad batch of heroin combined with fentanyl and accidentally overdosed. He died on August 28, 2020.
After years of rehab programs and family counseling with our son, my husband and I can honestly look in the mirror and say we did everything that we could to create a different outcome. In the end, it was Michael’s choice to continue his journey into self-destruction. But we can look back and say the last conversation we had with Michael was loving and positive. That’s all we can do. That’s perhaps all that Michael could do as well. In the end, positive and loving communication was everything. We don’t look back and feel we enabled our son. Instead, we supported him to the best of our ability. While at times that line between support and enablement was hazy and unclear, we were always conscious of that line and tried to honor the boundaries. It’s no easy path but we encourage others on this journey to look for their own guideposts and to define their own thin gray line.
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