Our hopes hold our overall wants yet often fail to contain the particulars of what those things clearly mean or even what it will take for us to have them. In part, not being specific can allow for adjustments to be made as needed along the way but in a different direction, the lack of those details could prevent those items from becoming what we desire leaving us wondering why. If one of our intentions is the wish for fondness then our capacity to have it or not for ourselves is an important feature, a definer, in what we seek on the outside of ourselves. If trust is the intent then our belief in showing up for ourselves or not will also be expressed in the what or the who we look to find security in. But what if an important detail of ours that effects those desires is one that we hide or deny even though it literally can be found in everyone in any kind of life? Have you thought about the term fear and how it guides your beliefs as well as your series of movements? Do you feel that emotion or is it expressed in a “not in your best interest” form like anger or perhaps addiction? At times our distress is so strong that it makes sense for us to avoid what’s there but isn’t one of the aspects of trust and love based in remembering to believe in the moments where we are scared because why would we need to do that when things are easy? Fear is an emotion that has held my hand for far too long over the years and while it has seemed as if courage was no where near me, it was actually there quietly holding my other hand. Ryan was scared too before he began his substance use, while in that particular place and at times afterwards in the last couple of years of his life. Being afraid is such an uncomfortable and vulnerable position that it’s far easier to close doors or to flip out and as Ryan got louder with his so did I. In fact it got to where we could trust that that’s exactly how we would show up and yet I think we both had the hope that the other would stop but once we were living that ride neither of us seemed able to get off of it. It is also simpler to justify not changing because others aren’t but at some point someone has to choose to do this differently and take the first step to lead the way. Someone has to be unguarded enough to admit to falls in words and behaviors as well as being scared, right? Then there is the green truth that courage is loud and powerful so anger must be our being brave, showing up, but the real truth is it’s just the loud voice of fear speaking too. If I could turn around and undo what has been done in the yesterdays, one of the things that I would change is how I was comfortable with all the ways in which fear lived in and around me. In other words, I trusted the familiarity of it despite being aware of feeling unsafe in the mess of it. Ryan had belief in the substances he used and while we could say with certainty that it was the tricks of the drugs that led him to believe as he did, it wasn’t in his best interest to deny the role that fear, also known as pain and anger, played as well. Nor was it helpful how we both felt distressed in letting go of the safety of how we were being even though we hated it living in us. So, in a different truth, trust is not always a word that is in our best interest specifically if the feature of love for ourselves isn’t a part of our process in discovering it. There’s grief and regret in the knowledge of the time it takes for us to look both ways but then it’s never easy to view all that we should when we are in the midst of chaos and love seems to be lost. If we do look both ways, though, it is possible to perceive that even when we are behaving in ways that are not in our best interest, like addiction or anger, we are attempting to hold courage closer than we do fear. Those are the moments, no matter the time it takes, before we step towards the possibilities of trusting and loving ourselves especially when in the weeds. This is me and while you may not see it in me, I am still afraid at times but I am all right. When that voice speaks too loudly, I look both ways and remind myself that I am on a trail that holds the beauty of flowers, dreaded “f” moments and boxes of tissues as well as a sometime warrior who falls down but eventually gets up. Look both ways at how fear and courage work together and not together to help you as well as how “I am sorry” can also be a “thank you” when we lean in to hear the views of others. Look both ways at how lost and found are the particulars of falls and getting up that facilitate our hope for change as well as how trust lives in the things that we hate but the feature of fondness can bring being safe home to the place that needs us most where it belongs. Look both ways at the terms of your offer and the details that define them in your so very heavell life. Are they in your best interest and do they help you to show up for you or is it time to turn around? Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
One of our wants is to feel safe or free from pain and it is not unreasonable to wish for that experience especially when it has the appearance of being the best way to never have to pick weeds again or to feel the things that hurt or climb difficult trails. However, as with the terms of any offer, there is a guarantee that there will always be both moments that we love and ones that we don’t in any kind of life. It’s what we breathe in from those things that determines how long we stay on the rollercoaster that leads to the repeating of the yesterdays or if we step off of our journeys’ in order to just smell our flowers. An important detail of our being secure is found in what the term trust holds for us but what happens when our inability to find safety in people, places and things leads to doubt in our beliefs especially about ourselves? Is that because we are impossible or is it possible that we have been looking in all the wrong places? Or how about whether or not we have fondness for ourselves and the role that it plays in our feeling free from pain? If we don’t carry love for ourselves in all of our moments, then can we ever really trust our safety? And if just those few designations are not clearly defined on the inside where they live in us, then how can we know we are safe with others when their terms of an offer and the value of them might differ from what we actually desire? So if our wish is really to be secure, and not just the hope of an easy life, how can we define being well for ourselves so that showing up in all the ways that we will encounter a so very heavell life will be far more important to us than the quantity of flowers or weeds that we hold or the fact and the opinion that someone else’s definition of beauty doesn’t look like us? During Ryan’s substance use, he felt more secure in the chaos of being lost in that particular hell than he had ever been in the disarray that lived within him and around him. Was that feeling and thought the results of the power of substances, the hiding of his pain, being a mess within a mess of his choosing, a failure to define clearly what being secure felt like, a lack of belief, too many weeds in his life or a combination of all of those things and more? The simplest thing to do would be to pick one, especially the first one, to blame but the real truth is that each and every one of those items is strong enough, separately, to cause falls again and again and together they make a life feel impossible to go through. Why is that? Every small and big thing that we experience in our lives, our behaviors and those of others, accumulates within us. Those particulars, whose values have been determined in the place that needs each of us most, bring fondness, confusion, strength, weakness, laughter that makes our stomachs hurt, tears and pain as it fills in our definitions of not only our words but also our perception of how life is. In other words we are powered by every note that are the results of what we have come up against and yet we often doubt our belief of that personal knowledge because others tell us their view is the only one to see. I am guilty of being that individual and by doing so I, in part, helped Ryan onto that rollercoaster ride with a sense of security, a green truth, that he would only experience it as I said. In the last year and a half of his life he expressed on a daily basis that he was sorry that he had lost his way on the trail, had not heard me sooner and thank you for not having given up on my belief in him. Every time he did that I felt grief because I, again in part, was the one who hadn’t heard him before that loud voice of his pain screamed through his substance use and I had not perceived that an important piece of feeling safe with others and ultimately within ourselves is found in the ability to stand together despite our differing views and feelings as a facilitator of well being i each of us. It’s difficult, though, to recognize that when we ourselves are also searching in the wrong places for the very things that live on the inside. As you go through life powered by every note, be loud in defining what safe, trust, fondness, beauty or whatever means to you and believe in your knowledge of those things. They are what make you the only you and while they will cause you to fall at times, they are also the series of movements that will get you through on any journey. It is all right not to be all right with every note that powers you but if you lean in to hear what you have to say, make sure you keep fondness for yourself as close as you do what hurts because your feeling safe or not is powered by what you believe about you so get comfortable with seeing all of you. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
It’s good to be home in the place that needs us most, our hearts, but within that site are our collection of things that can make it so we do not want to be in the position to assist the very person who is in need of and deserves our fondness. Perhaps it is our ability to turn away from the people, places, things or behaviors that we do not want that makes it so easy to exit when we are uncomfortable with what’s there or maybe it is our desire to have only what is fun and fabulous or it’s the belief that we are impossible that feeds the thought that it is better to close the door or even to be on the outside of ourselves. The real truth is that everything from the small things to the big ones, no matter what it is, has terms that are a part of doing, being, thinking and feeling even when their existence isn’t within our field of view. Those particulars, despite what we hope, never ever just include the items that we want because along the way in any kind of life there are always weeds mixed in with the flowers. In a different truth though, there are treasures that can be found in the messes and those dreaded “f” moments add to the beauty of us when we hold them with fondness in order to feel safe particularly when we are on a part of the journey that is hell. So what are the terms of your offer to yourself in a so very heavell life? Can you only assist yourself when things are acceptable? Or are you someone to you that is going to show up in all the ways that you can be found? In other words is your fondness only for when you are all right or are you able to remember to hold it when you fall and are lost too? Or how about that need for “I am sorry” and forgiveness for what didn’t go as you had intended? Or having the power to comfort yourself through understanding but you haven’t because the value of it is not in the terms of an offer for yourself? So let’s start with my moments where I “flipped” out, another “f” word, with my incredibly loud voice that has never ever needed a microphone to be heard by anyone. When our fear and pain speaks so loudly within ourselves we will behave in ways that are not in anyone’s best interest but particularly our own. It can feel so justified to do so but it’s no wonder why no one can hear on the inside or the outside when that noise is being illuminated preventing our ability to go through what’s there. When I was in that place of feelings, my focus was solely on what I didn’t want that Ryan was bringing rather than thinking about whether I was actually participating in the feeding of the hell, also known as being a part of the problem, by not dealing with my own pain. This was how Ryan and I acted in similar and yet different ways in that impossible cycle with only the details of ourselves separating us. It is also impossible to get someone else to face the mirror when you yourself keep avoiding it or justifying why you don’t have to which for me was just another one of my dreaded “f” moments facilitating that roller coaster ride in hell. While I still have an occasional series of movements that complicates the situations in my life, each time I have to remind myself to step forward with love always as I open yet another door to my collection of things in order to find the beauty that lives in my chaos. Knowing this about me, can you imagine why I consider Ryan’s substance use to actually have been the facilitator of a superpower or a treasure in the mess? Because of his fall, the field of view of words like fondness and forgiveness have been expanded to include their worth in the terms of an offer that breathes in my place that needs me most. What can you locate in your messes that can be transformed into your superpower or treasure? This is me, this was Ryan and somewhere in here are your “f” moments as well as the terms of your offer. The strongest you will ever be is not found in perfect moments or items but rather in how you show up for yourself in your weakest of times or eventually while holding understanding to get through. After all, this is life so the fact and the opinion is that there will be lots of unwanted opportunities to pull your own weeds and to fall down along the trail but there will also be love and flowers even when they are in the shadows because things or we are not always what we had hoped for or consented to. Be loud, be kind and be a part of the some who will for the person for whom the details of the terms of an offer was always meant to assist. Oh hell, grab those tissues because today just might be the day that fondness shows up to help you believe you can do this. Love Always, Heavell
There is an “f” word whose meaning is easily used to describe what we think and how we feel about people, places or even things and yet when it comes to using it to define ourselves it makes us uncomfortable and voiceless. It is also a term that has the strength and the power to help us live the ride we are on but in a different truth it can appear to be weak and disappear into the shadows at the first sign of chaos. While it’s not a part of the definitions of other phrases such as brave, fear, pain or beauty, feeling it or not as an expression of ourselves is a detail in how we experience those other terms as well as many more. In our collection of things, this designation comes from the list of items that we definitely want. In the last year and a half of Ryan’s life he held on to that word and all that it meant for him. Since his death, it is a term that I am having to get comfortable with especially when I don’t want to be on this journey or the what if’s repeat in my thoughts. I am not even sure I am familiar with it as a part of my story in the yesterdays but I am learning that it is a superpower in the art of living a so very heavell life today. Being aware of that reminds me of how in the beginning of Ryan’s substance use I kept trying to hand him this word to help remind him of his self worth but as we know when we are in the midst of hell or under the weight it’s quiet vocalization gets drowned out by the loudness of what hurts. Now here I am waiting on myself to breathe in the very same thing rather than focusing on the “f” moments that didn’t go as I had hoped or that he’s gone or that persistent desire to just have what’s easy. In that expanded view that he helped me to see, I can also understand how difficult it was for Ryan to find what had been lost and then forgotten as well as why it couldn’t be handed to him from the outside; not even by me as his mother. Because the value of anything decided by someone else or that hoped for forgiveness from the outside will only carry us so far before our pain will cause us to once again fall in all sorts of ways, this “f” word that is an illusive belief of ourselves is what we need to lean in to especially when we are not all right. This term makes eventually showing up for ourselves a possibility no matter how long we have been walking in circles and laughing until our stomachs hurt in the fabulous moments the perfect celebration of our kind of lives. It can’t be real, also known as supportive, though if we only remember it and say it when it’s easy to do so or only as a designation for others. I have a phrase that I frequently share where I say “If they can’t take you when you are not beautiful, then they don’t get to have you when you are” Funny thing is I never realized that my expression wasn’t just meant for the outside as a gray line until I began thinking about what love for myself really entails. In other words, we may need to turn away from the some who can’t or won’t but we should always be a part of the some who will because exiting ourselves has never been in our best interest nor does it ever lead to the things that we hope for like what that particular word holds. Oh hell, I am sorry that the weeds became a belief for far too long and thank you for reminding me to open the doors to my messes with fondness. Have the best day possible for you with the help of a small thing like kindness especially when under the weight. Love or Fondness Always, Heavell
This week, for whatever reason, I am walking in circles in my thoughts and feelings. I keep imagining that if I could just talk to Ryan some how all that I am carrying will simply transform from what feels so uncomfortable and hurts into what would be all right or tolerable. Perhaps what’s there is because there are things that I want to be able to say again to him like “I love you” or “I am sorry for my part” or “thank you for what you have taught me” or maybe it’s just because I don’t want to do my kind of life without his presence in it or it could be the fabulous rains from the monsoons that we use to always enjoy together or it’s all of those items along with the fact that I am tired and I don’t want to have to continue to go through this pain. It has even occurred to me that if I could figure out exactly what is causing me to fall in my emotions, I could then avoid those triggers and only step into the moments that are fun and filled with flowers or are relatively easy to encounter. Wouldn’t that be so heavenly to only be a part of the things that allow me to just simply go along on my trail? Or to not have to find understanding for the items and moments that feel so impossible? The appearance of those thoughts seem perfect but unfortunately I am familiar with behaving in that way and doing so again would mean turning around and going back to the yesterdays where that particular coping of mine is a detail in the reasons why I am here in this place today. There is also the real truth in that desire that by removing what I don’t want I would also have to eliminate parts of Ryan and while I hated being in the midst of those moments where he brought hell, they are now important memories of him and the change that came because of him. I can reach out for support from the others who have also lost a child but sometimes that connection we share actually feeds the hell in me rather than bringing the relief that I am seeking. So what is possible when I don’t want to think and feel as I do and yet no matter where I go, it is going to follow me because I am the one carrying it on the inside where it can’t be seen even though it is so loud in there that it feels like the world should be able to hear it as well? This is me and I don’t have to be in the middle of hell to feel as if I am still trying to step forward from it. After all, this is a so very heavell life and there are moments of regret and grief that we need boxes of tissues for right along with the things that make us laugh. All of it is meant to encourage us to find understanding and change but sometimes the series of movements that are a part of this journey make breathing in brave seem out of reach; at least for today or even this week. So change out my term, Ryan, and replace it with whatever person, place or thing that is tripping you up. Imagine that even though we are different, you are able to understand me and I you because whatever is before you is as important as what is within me despite the differences and the particulars that separate us. Now, in this moment, what can you do for you? Is it that you simply need to be kind to you because today isn’t your day? Or do you only want to experience what’s easy for a while like smelling the flowers instead of picking your own weeds? Whatever you choose to do, just don’t stay in that place for far too long because there’s a balance of chaos and beauty as well as “I am sorry” and “thank you” that’s just perfect for you in your kind of life. You need all of you, even the parts that you hate or don’t want from your list, in order to go through. I am going to wait right here for me until I am ready to try again and you can show up for you too by having the best day, week or whatever by knowing that what feels like weakness is really the moment before strength begins. Oh hell you can’t be found if you don’t get lost at least once in a while. In other words there is no need to be strong when you only have flowers and possible can’t be understood without the painful details of impossible. Love Always, Heavell.
In your collection of things, what items do you believe define you best? What can be found there as well that enumerates your moments of defeat? Which of those inventories then feels like the bigger deal for you? Part of what breathes within us is not just the moments that happen but the value that is placed on how we encountered those experiences and then hold the resulting feelings. When we communicate what we are going through it is because we need to be heard but it isn’t easy for that to occur because of the place that we are at or the one where others are. Let’s start with just some of the emotions that come from the list of reactions that occur as a response to substance use. If you are on the outside as the loved one of an addict fear as well as it’s loud voice of anger mixed with that deeply held connection that lives in your heart are probably the strongest of your feelings. If you are even further out on the circle as perhaps someone who deals with and or is affected by substance use in a different way, you might feel frustration as well as a distance from addicts and their loved ones. If those two individuals have separate emotional responses based on what substance use means for each, how can they converse, to say and to hear, in a manner that helps the situation rather than feeds the hell? Or how about the interaction between an addict and his or her loved ones? Or any situation in any kind of life in which what we feel is in contrast with the emotional definitions of others? What’s there are our very own personal details of every term that has been defined by our encounters. Because of those individual series of movements, we act and react based on those hidden particulars whether others are able to perceive of the causes or not. Communication and change that stays, then, needs the kindness of understanding that allows us to recognize that being separate does not mean it is impossible for us to also be together. Take a moment and think about a situation in which there is conflict between you and an individual. What do you want from that person? Do you give the very thing that you are asking for? When I think back to the yesterdays, Ryan’s and my connections were really one sided stories fed by pain and fear that sometimes were expressed with anger. Our ability to hear had been limited by our listening to only what we wanted to and then placing values that had to do with ourselves rather than what was within the other. It was a whole lot of walking in circles that continued to feed the very hell we wanted out of for far longer than it ever should have but then isn’t that what happens when we are in the midst of it? So now think about how you have felt when someone has implied that what is a big deal for you is really just a small thing. Who do you believe should decide the value of what you are holding? Why is that? In other words, if we know that people, places and things, especially substances, can’t fix what is breathing on the inside, then the significance of it can’t be decided on the outside of us either if we hope to change it where it lives. Just acknowledging that pain hurts and makes messes no matter where or how it can be found is a step towards showing up for ourselves but also eventually for others. After all, what is hidden will be illuminated in all sorts of ways until it is actually heard and then transformed. This is me and it starts with forgiving myself for the fact and the opinion that my communication with others was really a one sided story; also known as a limited view. The regret and grief, another particular hell, that comes from understanding that has been a part of facilitating change which included moments of “I am sorry” but more importantly stepping towards doing this differently even when not perfect. Is it possible for you to imagine then how Ryan’s addiction helped me to find myself even though I never realized I was lost to begin with until he fell? Or how those painful weeds were far more important in our being located and the creation of our sometime warriors than flowers could ever be? In a different and yet very real truth, strength can be located in what appears to only be weakness and beauty loves the chaos as both are really the moments before we begin to understand ourselves. From the list within you, be honest or talk straight to yourself and grab those tissues for the weight of the world and the things that make your stomach hurt from laughing. Breathe as only you can while knowing it is perfectly all right to not always handle well the things that are a big deal until you are ready to lean in to hear them. Oh hell I still get lost and fall down because that’s what happens when we are in the midst of a so very heavell life. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Recent Comments